@JephKelley's (Jeff Kelley) most faved Tweets...
My little sister graduates from college in three days. Only took her 3.5 years. Whatever. She may be smart, but at least I wasn't a mistake.
I hate it when I hear someone joke about the Holocaust. It's just wrong. Anne Frankly, I won't stand for it.
Making my famous eggnog! I have eggs, milk and whiskey, but I still need to buy a plate glass door to fall through and ruin Christmas again.
Everyone at this wedding is all mad at me because the kids are sick, as if it's my fault these children can't hold their liquor.
Cashier: "Total is $14.92."
Me: "Ha, like Columbus."
C: "Nice one, Seinfeld."
M: "Ha, like the comedian."
C: "..."
M: "Ha, like a mime."
Me: "Ha, like Columbus."
C: "Nice one, Seinfeld."
M: "Ha, like the comedian."
C: "..."
M: "Ha, like a mime."
I want a cereal like Alpha-Bits called Integer-Bits. I'd eat it and when asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Oh, just crunching some numbers."
Made a salad for lunch. I topped it with steak and some cheese. Then I put it all on a warm bun and threw away the lettuce and vegetables.
Taking my little sis and her friends out to bars and showing them HOW IT'S DONE but I hope they don't want to do shots or stay out too late.
My jerk neighbor put a password on my open Wi-Fi network. Fine, "their" open Wi-Fi network, whatever.
Working at a car wash would be the worst job ever. Except on the days Batman comes, in which case it would be an honor.
...And on the 8th day, God created Drama. And Eve was being like this total bitch, and Adam was like, "Seriously, just chill goddammit."
Tonight I asked myself, "If you were filthy rich, would you still do this?" The answer was "Yes." Then I opened the box of Hamburger Helper.
I found a Canadian penny today. It's so adorable to see a geographical region make its own money and pretend to be a real country.
I have combined a donut and a muffin and created a new breakfast treat: the donuffin. Oddly enough, that's also my plan for today.
Way back when they came up with that weird saying, cats must have worn pajamas and those pajamas must have been so totally super duper.
Had a key to my apartment made for my girlfriend. Was so surprised: it only costs $1.60 at a hardware store to throw your entire life away.
At a breakfast drive-thru.
Voice box thing: "Would you like to try a fried balogna and egg biscuit?"
Me: "Holy shit, no! Would you?"
Voice box thing: "Would you like to try a fried balogna and egg biscuit?"
Me: "Holy shit, no! Would you?"
We can put a man on the moon, yet we can't develop another analogy for describing when something obvious needs to be done but hasn't been.
25 years ago, I made an amazing sandwich. Since then, I've made many more, but none were good as that one. Bon Jovi would understand.
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