a Jeff Dunham comedy special is on. I'd rather stick needles in my eyes for an hour

I know nothing about what @kanyewest did on SNL tonight. However. I would love to punch that fuckin idiot right in the jaw

#ff people I want to get drunk with @robfee @jordyhamrick @hadzilla @nachosarah @turbograndma @ty_schutz @elibraden @andrewr31

If Tinder has taught me anything, it's that any girl named Chandler is automatically hot

Still no matches on  http://blackpeoplemeet.com  :(

Newicks is not where you pick up girls

I wasn't quite sure if this girl at the pool was too young for me. Then she put on a Minnie Mouse backpack.

3 straight days of rain? The fuck is this???

A black guy just asked me if I had "seen his lil nigga" in case anyone thought they had the most uncomfortable situation of all time today

Man if I wasn't so tough I'd probably tweet about how much I miss my parents right now

Even after hearing my friends are safe it's hard to fight the tears in my eyes. I love you Boston friends. You're all in my thoughts

I'd rather watch middle school girls soccer than professional MMA

'Jeff Coburn: King of Doing Sex' written by Katy Perry, illustrated by Jeff Coburn

I just saw an Asian dude in an all out sprint with his hands down at his sides. I'm not sure today can improve from there

Hmmm just got caught inspecting a pair of passing breasts

@natalie_mariah #humblebrag

How do womens Xgames scoring work? Whoever came closest to landing their trick?

Gotta wonder if anyone saw a picture of Te'o's girlfriend and went "whoa. That girl is unreal"

Keep your gun control opinions to a blog that no one will ever read

list of things Nicki Minaj probably can't do: 1.) drive 2.) cook 3.) tell jokes 4.) read 5.) feel emotion