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a Jeff Dunham comedy special is on. I'd rather stick needles in my eyes for an hour
I mean anytime you put Excision and Datsik together on a track, I'm a lock to cum in my pants
"Taking shits and slamming clits" is a tattoo not many people have
If Tinder has taught me anything, it's that any girl named Chandler is automatically hot
Newicks is not where you pick up girls
Paul Walker jokes are not funny. Stop.
Parks and Rec, Modern Family and The Office are all on. Normally this would be an impossible choice, but it's Jim and Pam's wedding.
Sons of Anarchy would be way better if it was about cooking meth and the repercussions of doing so
Anna Kendrick and Aubrey Plaza walk into a bar, I self destruct.
Sometimes I get really depressed. It's usually because I realize I'm probably not going to marry Anna Kendrick
Nice "live, laugh, love" bio, every girl ever. Super inspirational.
It kills me to think there are people out there that enjoy Futurama
I wasn't quite sure if this girl at the pool was too young for me. Then she put on a Minnie Mouse backpack.
3 straight days of rain? The fuck is this???
A black guy just asked me if I had "seen his lil nigga" in case anyone thought they had the most uncomfortable situation of all time today
Man if I wasn't so tough I'd probably tweet about how much I miss my parents right now
Even after hearing my friends are safe it's hard to fight the tears in my eyes. I love you Boston friends. You're all in my thoughts