This pretentious bitch said..."I only drink grey goose!" As she pours a whole can of red bull in it...yes, there's a delicate palate.

I wonder if Aqua Man smokes seaweed

Durst announces that Limp Bizkit is calling it quits. 1994 Pontiac Sun Fire owners lowering their sun visor cd holders at half mast.

Well I can't wait for my egg followers to hatch into an epic set of tits.

If I find one more toe nail in this quiche I'm fucking throwing it away.

I really hope apple pie gives middle eastern ppl the shits

Looking for advice on how to get confetti out of ball sack wrinkles.

My cat just barfed a dead mouse on the floor in front of me...and to think we weren't going to bother exchanging gifts this year.

Found a cucumber under the spare bed, sticky, covered in dog hair and smells like prom night. Fuck it..I'm making tzatziki

I'm letting her on top tonight. I'll be damned if I'm falling out of the bunk two night in a row.

do they make white crocs? Asking for my sisters wedding.

Does fist pumping count as cardio?

Just got a squirt of grapefruit to the eye, now I know what it feels like to star in a bukkakke with an all vegan cast.

Another hazy night..felt stubble when I kissed her on the lips. Felt total relief when I realized my feet were hitting the headboard.

Holy shit! I think I just saw someone on twitter that didn't hate themselves!

To me, sex with a condom is like trying to eat a big juicy steak with a plastic knife and fork

What color is a smurfs pubic hair?

Guys should have to jerk off before logging onto Twitter. Once we get the evil out....it would drastically cut down on the DM's girls endure

once had a girlfriend who sucked my cock so hard she gave me inverted nipples.

how am I supposed to believe you have virgin ears with a fucked face like that?