Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Since there's no football on Sunday's anymore I started going to church to start the wave. Not as fulfilling.
Resting my head on boobs is my xanax.
City court just dismissed my speeding ticket today. It almost feels like I could get away with murder.
I wonder if Al Pacino planned on yelling in every movie after "The Godfather"?
I've become an expert at avoiding stepping in dog poop at the park. Now I totally get what Nam was all about
Hard nipples are like eensy weensy little popsicles that never melt!
If you can open up a package of Oreos and eat just a few, you're a much stronger man than I.
One more losing season and the Browns will have to change their mascot to a shit stain.
Maybe Jackson Pollock was just making paintings of the clusterfuck of computer wires behind his desk? In that case, GENIUS!
Does anyone know how not to laugh when grandma farts at the dinner table?
First time I can watch Fox News and be completely and utterly satisfied!
You haven't partied 'til you've taken a shit at a nightclub.
Dear diary, today I saw a 350 pound man on a scooter. Today can be drawn up as a success.
My mom says I'm better looking than Brad Pitt so it must be true.
It's good to set goals when you're drunk, like "I need to pee before I go to bed."
Playing playstation while my dog farts next to me. #mydayoff #abouttodie #suffocation
I refuse to acknowledge Tebow as baby Jesus until my iPhone learns how to spell his name.