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If you plant a block of Ramen noodles in the ground and water it with Bud Lite it will grow into a college student named Todd who loves MMA.
I am constantly putting things where they don't belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.
If my girlfriend doesn't start being nicer to me, I'm totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can't remember the lyrics.
Sometimes I just like to sit on the couch and do nothing for 3 years.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
I met Jay-Z in '09 and he said "Meet my fiance, Beyonce" and I was like "That rhymes, you should rap!" and we laughed and he sold me crack.
Every time my girl asks me what I'm doing on my phone, I smile and say "Looking at rings, silly" then go right back to typing dick jokes.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
*pulls away from kissing*
*pulls away from dating*
*pulls away from physical contact*
*pulls away from society*
*pulls out phone*
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Could you please hand me my fanny pack? It's the one that says "Bad Muthafucker" on it.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there's always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
I only star inspirational tweets from 15 year-old white girls, because they've obviously got the deepest insight into the human experience.
If somewhere in your bio it says "love me or hate me" I already kinda hate you.
My love is like a candle, because if you forget about me I will burn your fucking house to the ground.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I'm an absurdist. It's the absurdest.
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