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  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    Gift @JermHimselfish Favstar Pro to unlock their best tweet!Gift them Pro!

    • 11k
    • LIKES
    LukifurMLifarograntgriesel666miss_suzie0724KellyInStarsDanGlassmeyeritsboitkhunuck
    • 8,912
    • RETWEETS
    Lukifuromwansa_cracknellsarah3ItsJesseJamesperrymealeymercy_persisIrPeriscmzalendo
    ChumpstringshanetheveinJosesLovesYoukDuncanGNinja_Soup___1BigMickEvanAndHellShowDanielRCarrilloPaperWashGobshite_Donnie_FairburncanadasandrashutupheavTheOreoPiratenostaljarIGotsSmartshipchkkmichowlTheIronSherktastefactoryEndhooSevofckSwishergirl24CatsForDinnerzeliserose5__
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    If you plant a block of Ramen noodles in the ground and water it with Bud Lite it will grow into a college student named Todd who loves MMA.

    • 4,397
    • LIKES
    KJAlbertsmallmolllsd_huntleySweet_AnnaliesehanlitkowhalesmellsRealPrincessKimhelado721
    • 3,086
    • RETWEETS
    zackbaca92itsjonmillersmallmolllspgoma86ajkolettidreamthievinfugularityseamussaid
    djr_102SuiteLifeVegasSharpeBytesBrowneyed_mamaBillFienbergsmilely_galJosesLovesYouWookieOnUnicornHome_HalfwayArrowsOfTheSun10InchesPlusNorthside_Mikekyle_thatisallbombscribeGavinProbablymewritesgoodSweetTweetsBRO__eusabiStarkCityBrookeBabbling______Moshy__dsmitty_62MeatSquatchLisa_Laughs_roadkill3xOBiiieeeeJust_Lee_1__loribuckmajorabhorrent_wifesecondsetcoach
  • JermHimselfish
    • 3,884
    • LIKES
    had2b_memacchiatonumbxfearlessisloveBumpinGemzHamAndVomitJustineIsADreamImprobableEddiesjbotes
    • 2,665
    • RETWEETS
    haleighrcablewillstottsGentLoksDaveCashman13LexievigneSuicide_King____chloegohTJMair
    Contwixt
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    I am constantly putting things where they don't belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.

    • 2,842
    • LIKES
    dreamthievinDiscoFruitFrakkingAwesomei_am_angel10mgcatMetalligretchMardigroansomethnsomethn
    • 2,130
    • RETWEETS
    DTommyMcMahonmgcatHollyMemphisMardigroanWagBi_ququalwest117ckA_marasomethnsomethn
    PiecezillaSharpeBytesgeorgercamachothedayofthedotJennifergr8badplansReverend_ScottpartiallyproThe_MentalystTorriableRitleySammich209whatsupnaazihahTheDairylandDonFragileFriend____SuperShourds______mochanyathetobbie_wangwekevnastoerased_250968215CapriciousScott__UpturnedBathtubNotJPo__ProfessorWeed_____
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    If my girlfriend doesn't start being nicer to me, I'm totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.

    • 3,094
    • LIKES
    mercmegansandiegochris_ShackerzzzDiscoFruitVelcroVSlaceannahojjohannaradzyclejasminedyer100
    • 1,387
    • RETWEETS
    mercmeganjesusfucker666jadeburgess1prettylikeapieNahDubsms_willowtake2skwRainbow__Tiger
    emilylimelovablelucasthetobbiegdflyeSunnyGirl1717FSUSteveOne_FineMessTuna_LoverFrankCurtisBPORNOPINIONShock_Monster__PORNOPINIONkamiekaymee__SergioValenCokamtweetingjrogasm__________
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can't remember the lyrics.

    • 2,532
    • LIKES
    TheHarmonyQuestScrambledMceggsBoozieEyedJoeDiscoFruitzinni426ProudEuropean98AndrewMusic11TwooEarly
    • 1,811
    • RETWEETS
    BoozieEyedJoezinni426ElJeffrowdrunkybrewster1iihgmSpockLover66Loving_Life1996DadandBuried
    PeaceInTruth1CornOnTheGoblinkantological__Sheila_Mac420_wangweArroiagigglegirlnoelpartiallyprodetroit_etandybaashfordtylerisajokeAmbulophobia0hJulietteDurtMcHurttst00pidfastIGotsSmartsnaazihahmrt1mnostaljarBenjamin4501
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    Sometimes I just like to sit on the couch and do nothing for 3 years.

    • 2,680
    • LIKES
    gui_ldtDiscoFruitMereMotherFrakkingAwesomeandi_prosserkris_hestionc8tersTheJessicaBasta
    • 1,622
    • RETWEETS
    allyymosesdenisse_startiReynardhollygraphixxxemma_dennehyAmaRidzuanSouthernJen85BastianHSandber
    ThateverydayguyJessObsessStevie_Talk__GavinProbablyRistolablebadplansgigglegirlnoelRitleySammichshadoniumBonaFideIntentFragileFriend____milk_lumpella__fraserbrzandt_wangweMidgetsparshwebby2__________GirlwithAIDSLindzThoughtsUpturnedBathtubMountainDouche____djr_102burntmybagelPoodasBrainnostaljarCVTBabyICagbanusibmarked21dsmitty_62CelebrityCheznikcoliedipotatokingpin__garth0ff__________metafroth
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    I met Jay-Z in '09 and he said "Meet my fiance, Beyonce" and I was like "That rhymes, you should rap!" and we laughed and he sold me crack.

    • 2,229
    • LIKES
    horseysauceyF1Fenleydestin_kokocha1931mkbutters742iamceezusall0wdatafbradstone
    • 1,270
    • RETWEETS
    YbborSchiniJayRoseSBEibborifyF1Fenleyrlew1430butters742all0wdatJoselynSchooley
    DiscoFruitHollyMemphisJasonLastnameDallaniTheRealAnchovyB0MBS_____________FuckinmoronsJay__ZimJMFingSparks
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

    Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back

    • 2,354
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    jgaskill1nataliaelsjeffbb53ellenlegge_rkatz94Nettie_Berginmcibtyerlend_hm
    • 1,032
    • RETWEETS
    4lph40meg4jeffreyxsanchezronty167jeffbb53Nettie_BerginsofizyLearyMsoh_we_know
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    Every time my girl asks me what I'm doing on my phone, I smile and say "Looking at rings, silly" then go right back to typing dick jokes.

    • 2,242
    • LIKES
    RunwayDandrfeasbyKeithRicks89billbraski5DoucheyBagginsDude_Josh1234MissPunitaFrakkingAwesome
    • 883
    • RETWEETS
    KeithRicks89DoucheyBagginskathybotteasTylerV_RWWWCaptainBlake4iheartguntsThe1WhosCrazyMolotovJohnny
    ibid78ajax06joedan2010Ilovelamp1979RhiannonArcherNorthside_MikeComedyCarterHrBryYourDeadbeatDadMidgetspardjr_102Lani_HaydenSarcasmo718kirbys4losers____Area51eh
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"

    • 1,751
    • LIKES
    ItsKitOkEmelieBechtelprettygoodyearcathryn_wardJessieBritswarriorjoe78LetMeStartZoloved
    • 1,110
    • RETWEETS
    prettygoodyearTheHaleyBirdWickedPoseidongardengnome22CinnamonSLittlelucidchemistryFatherWithTwinsdovergirl95
    allisulli__VikeeysSecretTaylormatronicsB0MBS_____________ocourtneynoMr_0rang3FormerChildOphiesbest________SadSilentMonkey__TheOneTrueDiscojohngayseeShittyComedian
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    *pulls away from kissing*
    *pulls away from dating*
    *pulls away from physical contact*
    *pulls away from society*
    *pulls out phone*
    Nice

    • 1,837
    • LIKES
    alpharetweetsmokeymccheefoxXAfterLyfeXxAngryDonnysarielfriendmattierosestheladypaigekfan
    • 822
    • RETWEETS
    KittyShittyyxXAfterLyfeXxchichi_apachiGachirismmattierosestrillottobummermaidhayeezus
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    *sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
    *very quietly pulls out phone*
    *likes Ice-T on Facebook*

    • 1,878
    • LIKES
    unionstrength29kalikaruddthesarahrobertsgracesadlersMollLinkmattlopezLauisDuchos_mollieanderson
    • 673
    • RETWEETS
    unionstrength29ungschauthellocourtneyopelaviatfuviktorkaaudri_emmoodtoothsweaterfuzzy
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    *stares off into the distance*
    Distance: I have a boyfriend

    • 1,579
    • LIKES
    JohnnyNopoliskathybotteasUtsusemiNoKageMrLicNips__partiallyproCompocolypseschmutzigliebeDanKCharnley
    • 731
    • RETWEETS
    UtsusemiNoKagelaisHamAndVomitExposedMantisEllelouisegirl__TheNotoriousADMLeaahLove_dumbslag__
    michaeljdawsonshayf_AlexvanBeek
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    Could you please hand me my fanny pack? It's the one that says "Bad Muthafucker" on it.

    • 1,549
    • LIKES
    Wybackwastakenhannahdrew__5729dchunsterramisch99candidartichokeMissMadiGraceimdaintyaf__
    • 689
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    shanebrendanWybackwastakenchangeinplansimdaintyaf__PSBStarsMarkWallBangsxconnertoomanytoes
    RitleySammichKali_MuraFudgeRobotlaurascazitmurrayshwebby2__________weinerdog4lifeSusanandTrixie
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there's always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

    • 1,347
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    JacksonEavey1RhetElesepizzajoshuaGozzipgirlzalliclellandzombie_beanchunsterrcallmehenners
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    JacksonEavey1gaybaby_ebooksDrProfPinguRadiantHowl_pizzajoshuamckenzie_lonschangeinplansvirgoskin__
    Home_HalfwaycholesteroIshaztaberryLani_Haydenmellimelle
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    I only star inspirational tweets from 15 year-old white girls, because they've obviously got the deepest insight into the human experience.

    • 1,456
    • LIKES
    MrLicNips__HamAndVomitSleazySliMindBytesnotabastardsaxonjohn666TrailofSlimeSaltyKansas
    • 702
    • RETWEETS
    Ellelouisegirl__triton_moonA15YearOldGirlAazeenHcelicuhAnon1637383839moonbunniiluhlexie
    Lani_HaydenVampiliciousXo__SweetTweetsBRO__KriddyE__________
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    If somewhere in your bio it says "love me or hate me" I already kinda hate you.

    • 1,396
    • LIKES
    thatguysinghMrLicNips__HamAndVomitGreGooglyMooglyDMAMA232323KimchiBreathEllelouisegirl__TheHumanBot
    • 739
    • RETWEETS
    GreGooglyMooglyKimchiBreath_PBody__Corey_DawnAJslackieSSourblondieMashoodayyRick_IZ
    BlACk__ThRoaTmichaeljdawsonMomfiaCynner777
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    My love is like a candle, because if you forget about me I will burn your fucking house to the ground.

    • 1,335
    • LIKES
    whatnowkimHanerMarkescocellRafafafagafaDanKCharnleyitsclaudybitchHamAndVomitmegkora
    • 754
    • RETWEETS
    MarksWhellRafafafagafafilip_treneritsclaudybitchJuliaLucia2009starwarsshirtjpluskaygangrene10
    Home_Halfway2loony1LectorCaveo______PORNOPINIONFrankCurtisBgarth0ff__________
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

    • 1,270
    • LIKES
    thatguysinghMrLicNips__SleazySliHamAndVomitwittyishbryansmith111JIMBOSWELTBBryJam
    • 741
    • RETWEETS
    HamAndVomitwittyishBINGBINGFORTUNEanyclinicRichBeingRichTexasPatrickanglesnachezitsalwayskelley
    fullydelirious__seejaylincoLindaInDisguiseHome_Halfwayeusabikrazy313hunter__Loli_Sugbrandynwiththey
@JermHimselfish

@JermHimselfish

sticks and stones may break my bones but love will tear us apart

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