Hey, 20-something girls who think they're the sexiest things out there. Every woman over 35 fucks way better than you. Every. Single. One.

If you plant a block of Ramen noodles in the ground and water it with Bud Lite it will grow into a college student named Todd who loves MMA.

Sometimes I just like to sit on the couch and do nothing for 3 years.

I am constantly putting things where they don't belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.

If my girlfriend doesn't start being nicer to me, I'm totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.

Every time my girl asks me what I'm doing on my phone, I smile and say "Looking at rings, silly" then go right back to typing dick jokes.

Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can't remember the lyrics.

Vaginas wouldn't have lips if you weren't supposed to kiss them.

If you're a woman and you're not mad at a man right now then you're not doing it right.

Do you think Lil' Wayne went to the tattoo parlor and said "Make my face look like an 8th grade girls trapper keeper"?

I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30's not living up to his full potential.

I met Jay-Z in '09 and he said "Meet my fiance, Beyonce" and I was like "That rhymes, you should rap!" and we laughed and he sold me crack.

I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"

If somewhere in your bio it says "love me or hate me" I already kinda hate you.

I only star inspirational tweets from 15 year-old white girls, because they've obviously got the deepest insight into the human experience.

I love Twitter, because now instead of coming home and hearing one woman complain endlessly I get to listen to like 700 of them.

I've never been put in the "friend" zone, but I have been put in the "please don't tell my friend's" zone.

Could you please hand me my fanny pack? It's the one that says "Bad Muthafucker" on it.

Maybe bitches wouldn't be trippin if you guys would pick your shit up off the floor.

I can't shake what my momma gave me because it is very hard to shake a lifelong struggle with depression and addiction.