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  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    Gift @JermHimselfish Favstar Pro to unlock their best tweet!Gift them Pro!

    • 11k
    • LIKES
    moogybooblesWalkingCivilWarjwatsoncreativeNrouteHQtjcirimelepopulamaniajoeyandreonewindowshopng
    • 9,312
    • RETWEETS
    WalkingCivilWart_win27NrouteHQCynchMoorelaurenmccoidtjcirimelepopulamaniabarryd2112
    constantlyjoshChumpstringshanetheveinJosesLovesYoukDuncanGNinja_Soup___1BigMick__EvanAndHellShowDanielRCarrilloPaperWashGobshite_Donnie_FairburncanadasandrashutupheavTheOreoPiratenostaljarIGotsSmartshipchkkmichowlTheIronSherktastefactoryEndhooSevofckSwishergirl24CatsForDinnerzeliserose5__
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    If you plant a block of Ramen noodles in the ground and water it with Bud Lite it will grow into a college student named Todd who loves MMA.

    • 4,400
    • LIKES
    batkarenconstantlyjoshpra_reddyKJAlbertsmallmolllsd_huntleySweet_Annaliesehanlitko
    • 3,089
    • RETWEETS
    ElephannyyyHeelHookedconstantlyjoshzackbaca92itsjonmillersmallmolllspgoma86ajkoletti
    djr_102SuiteLifeVegasSharpeBytesBrowneyed_mamaBillFienbergsmilely_galJosesLovesYouWookieOnUnicornHome_HalfwayArrowsOfTheSun10InchesPlusNorthside_Mikekyle_thatisallbombscribeGavinProbablymewritesgoodSweetTweetsBRO__eusabiStarkCityBrookeBabbling______Moshy__dsmitty_62MeatSquatchLisa_Laughs_roadkill3xOBiiieeeeJust_Lee_1__loribuckmajorabhorrent_wifesecondsetcoach
  • JermHimselfish
    • 3,887
    • LIKES
    JohnnyNopolisMindBytesconstantlyjoshhad2b_memacchiatonumbxfearlessisloveBumpinGemzHamAndVomit
    • 2,665
    • RETWEETS
    haleighrcablewillstottsGentLoksDaveCashman13LexievigneSuicide_King____chloegohTJMair
    Contwixt
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    I am constantly putting things where they don't belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.

    • 2,844
    • LIKES
    batkarenconstantlyjoshdreamthievinDiscoFruitFrakkingAwesomei_am_angel10mgcatMetalligretch
    • 2,132
    • RETWEETS
    batkarenconstantlyjoshDTommyMcMahonmgcatHollyMemphisMardigroanWagBi_ququalwest117
    PiecezillaSharpeBytesgeorgercamacho__thedayofthedotJennifergr8badplansReverend_ScottpartiallyproThe_MentalystTorriableRitleySammich209whatsupnaazihahTheDairylandDonFragileFriend____SuperShourds______mochanyathetobbie_wangwekevnastoerased_250968215CapriciousScott__UpturnedBathtubNotJPo__ProfessorWeed_____
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    If my girlfriend doesn't start being nicer to me, I'm totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.

    • 3,098
    • LIKES
    constantlyjoshToiletMikeStrongGreavedellaharveyymercmegansandiegochris_ShackerzzzDiscoFruit
    • 1,389
    • RETWEETS
    constantlyjoshToiletMikemercmeganjesusfucker666__jadeburgess1prettylikeapieNahDubsms_willow
    emilylimelovablelucasthetobbiegdflyeSunnyGirl1717FSUSteveOne_FineMessTuna_LoverFrankCurtisBPORNOPINIONShock_Monster__PORNOPINIONkamiekaymee__SergioValenCokamtweetingjrogasm__________
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can't remember the lyrics.

    • 2,536
    • LIKES
    sweetg35batkarenconstantlyjoshalwi85TheHarmonyQuestScrambledMceggs__BoozieEyedJoeDiscoFruit
    • 1,816
    • RETWEETS
    JohnnyNopolisMindBytesbatkarenconstantlyjoshalwi85BoozieEyedJoezinni426ElJeffrow
    PeaceInTruth1CornOnTheGoblinkantological__Sheila_Mac420_wangweArroiagigglegirlnoelpartiallyprodetroit_etandybaashfordtylerisajokeAmbulophobia0hJulietteDurtMcHurttst00pidfastIGotsSmartsnaazihahmrt1mnostaljarBenjamin4501
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    Sometimes I just like to sit on the couch and do nothing for 3 years.

    • 2,682
    • LIKES
    batkarenconstantlyjoshgui_ldtDiscoFruitMereMotherFrakkingAwesomeandi_prosserkris_hestion
    • 1,624
    • RETWEETS
    batkarenconstantlyjoshallyymosesdenisse_startiReynardhollygraphixxxemma_dennehyAmaRidzuan
    ThateverydayguyJessObsessStevie_Talk__GavinProbablyRistolablebadplansgigglegirlnoelRitleySammichshadoniumBonaFideIntentFragileFriend____milk_lumpella__fraserbrzandt_wangweMidgetsparshwebby2__________GirlwithAIDSLindzThoughtsUpturnedBathtubMountainDouche____djr_102burntmybagelPoodasBrainnostaljarCVTBabyICagbanusibmarked21dsmitty_62CelebrityCheznikcoliedipotatokingpin__garth0ff__________metafroth
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

    Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back

    • 2,659
    • LIKES
    grindmastrgrantmadelynshoenixiritsmurafukcatmorgesonapartlyfunnyGloGurLelitisticna
    • 1,201
    • RETWEETS
    ThisIsUECju_ju_zupartlyfunnyEves1eulb__elitisticnaJenHartlingItsAadhyaKay
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    I met Jay-Z in '09 and he said "Meet my fiance, Beyonce" and I was like "That rhymes, you should rap!" and we laughed and he sold me crack.

    • 2,229
    • LIKES
    horseysauceyF1Fenleydestin_kokocha1931mkbutters742iamceezusall0wdatafbradstone
    • 1,270
    • RETWEETS
    YbborSchiniJayRoseSBEibborifyF1Fenleyrlew1430butters742all0wdatJoselynSchooley
    DiscoFruitHollyMemphisJasonLastnameDallaniTheRealAnchovyB0MBS_____________FuckinmoronsJay__ZimJMFingSparks
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    Every time my girl asks me what I'm doing on my phone, I smile and say "Looking at rings, silly" then go right back to typing dick jokes.

    • 2,242
    • LIKES
    RunwayDandrfeasbyKeithRicks89billbraski5DoucheyBagginsDude_Josh1234MissPunitaFrakkingAwesome
    • 883
    • RETWEETS
    KeithRicks89DoucheyBagginskathybotteasTylerV_RWWWCaptainBlake4iheartguntsThe1WhosCrazyMolotovJohnny
    ibid78ajax06joedan2010Ilovelamp1979RhiannonArcherNorthside_MikeComedyCarterHrBryYourDeadbeatDadMidgetspardjr_102Lani_HaydenSarcasmo718kirbys4losers____Area51eh
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"

    • 1,754
    • LIKES
    LaniBenoBurds_1MyBackupNameItsKitOkEmelieBechtelprettygoodyearcathryn_wardJessieBrits
    • 1,112
    • RETWEETS
    keepontoastingLaniBenoprettygoodyearTheHaleyBirdWickedPoseidongardengnome22CinnamonSLittlelucidchemistry
    SharpeBytesallisulliVikeeysSecretTaylormatronicsB0MBS_____________ocourtneynoMr_0rang3FormerChildOphiesbest________SadSilentMonkey__TheOneTrueDiscojohngayseeShittyComedian
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    *pulls away from kissing*
    *pulls away from dating*
    *pulls away from physical contact*
    *pulls away from society*
    *pulls out phone*
    Nice

    • 1,837
    • LIKES
    yung_handjobCasualFri_JesusMadisonMD22alphabitchtweetsmokeymccheefoxXAfterLyfeXxAngryDonnysarielfriend
    • 822
    • RETWEETS
    CasualFri_Jesusjustdoitnowokkinky_foxxxXAfterLyfeXxchichi_apachiGachirismmattierosestrillotto
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    *sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
    *very quietly pulls out phone*
    *likes Ice-T on Facebook*

    • 1,909
    • LIKES
    cemeterymindaShariAlisaEatonBlondAmbitionTOIngeniousRetarduhmandaburnssomeweirdguy69CelluloidBlondesneezy20340967
    • 673
    • RETWEETS
    awkwardphilippePatty_ice69pantsfacedWilliam_hartunionstrength29ungschauthellocourtneyopelavia
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    *stares off into the distance*
    Distance: I have a boyfriend

    • 1,580
    • LIKES
    Burds_1Saul1245JohnnyNopoliskathybotteasUtsusemiNoKageMrLicNips__partiallyproCompocolypse
    • 731
    • RETWEETS
    Saul1245UtsusemiNoKagelaisHamAndVomitExposedMantisEllelouisegirl__TheNotoriousADMLeaahLove_
    michaeljdawsonshayf_AlexvanBeek
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    Could you please hand me my fanny pack? It's the one that says "Bad Muthafucker" on it.

    • 1,549
    • LIKES
    Wybackwastakenhannahdrew__5729dchunsterramisch99candidartichokeMissMadiGraceimdaintyaf
    • 689
    • RETWEETS
    shanebrendanWybackwastakenchangeinplansimdaintyafPSBStarsMarkWallBangsxconnertoomanytoes
    RitleySammichKali_MuraFudgeRobotlaurascazitmurrayshwebby2__________weinerdog4lifeSusanandTrixie
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there's always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

    • 1,348
    • LIKES
    Burds_1JacksonEavey1RhetElesepizzajoshuaGozzipgirlzalliclellandzombie_beanchunsterr
    • 820
    • RETWEETS
    keepontoastingJacksonEavey1gaybaby_ebooksDrProfPinguRadiantHowl_pizzajoshuamckenzie_lonschangeinplans
    Home_HalfwaycholesteroIshaztaberryLani_Haydenmellimelle
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    I only star inspirational tweets from 15 year-old white girls, because they've obviously got the deepest insight into the human experience.

    • 1,456
    • LIKES
    MrLicNips__HamAndVomitSleazySliMindBytesnotabastardsaxonjohn666TrailofSlimeSaltyKansas
    • 702
    • RETWEETS
    Ellelouisegirl__triton_moonA15YearOldGirlAazeenHcelicuhAnon1637383839moonbunniiluhlexie
    Lani_HaydenVampiliciousXo__SweetTweetsBRO__KriddyE__________
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    If somewhere in your bio it says "love me or hate me" I already kinda hate you.

    • 1,397
    • LIKES
    PiecezillathatguysinghMrLicNips__HamAndVomitGreGooglyMooglyDMAMA232323KimchiBreathEllelouisegirl__
    • 739
    • RETWEETS
    GreGooglyMooglyKimchiBreath_PBody__Corey_DawnAJslackieSSourblondieMashoodayyRick_IZ
    BlACk__ThRoaTmichaeljdawsonMomfiaCynner777
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    My love is like a candle, because if you forget about me I will burn your fucking house to the ground.

    • 1,345
    • LIKES
    echostweetsnraymzsuicidalblondmeladizeriKarinaMorales_sarah_nelson_Burds_1NaomiGlitter
    • 757
    • RETWEETS
    _sarah_nelson_JagerMouthawescarMarksWhellRafafafagafafilip_treneritsclaudybitchJuliaLucia2009
    Home_Halfway2loony1LectorCaveo______PORNOPINIONFrankCurtisBgarth0ff__________
  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

    • 1,271
    • LIKES
    ToiletMikethatguysinghMrLicNips__SleazySliHamAndVomitwittyishbryansmith111JIMBOSWELT
    • 742
    • RETWEETS
    ToiletMikeHamAndVomitwittyishBINGBINGFORTUNEanyclinicRichBeingRichTexasPatrickanglesnachez
    fullydelirious__seejaylincoLindaInDisguiseHome_Halfwayeusabikrazy313hunter__Loli_Sugbrandynwiththey
@JermHimselfish

@JermHimselfish

I'm an absurdist. It's the absurdest.

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