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I can't believe that the summer's almost over. The only day that's more depressing than Labor Day is Green Day.
If you're stuck in the wilderness and need to start a fire just find 2 sticks and use them to inspire Alicia Keys to write a song about you.
3 DAY WEEKEND BABY! *runs out of work, races home, cracks a beer, punches a mirror, denies the Holocaust, teaches cat to use human toilet*
*gets down on one knee*
"there's something I wanna ask you..."
"Do you remember Tebowing?"
Approximately 67% of my day is spent estimating the amount of time I spend doing things.
I like my coffee like I like my fish in the sea, to have led a horse to water than to have never loved at all.
Don't even try to talk to me if your troubled soul isn't soothed by the therapeutic aroma of spearmint and lemongrass.
Calendars were a very important thing to have when I was a kid, but now that everyone has a cellphone it seems like their days are numbered
If you lead a horse to water you can get him a fish, but if you teach a horse to fish then you can recreate this dream I've been having.
I really want to go hiking through the mountains that border Syria but I'm too afraid that I'll get stuck between Iraq and Assad's place.
Law & Order: SMDH
I wish I could delete other people's tweets, like the ones that my dad used to scream at me whenever he drank too much.
That Weird Kid Who Used To Shoot Cats With His BB Gun invited you to play A Cute Little Game About Candy
The first step to becoming a pharmacist is like a whole foot higher than the rest of the drugstore.
2 of the moms at Starbucks just ordered the same latte and now they're having a Live-Laugh-Love-Off to determine the dominant party planner
As soon as I was born one of the nurses started sucking my dick. Cops had to pull her off me. I drove my mom home on a motorcycle that night
A doctor just checked my reflexes and told me I should rip two sleeves off my denim jacket and call him from the dance floor.