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Her: He's not like the other guys, this one is different
*cut to me using a washcloth to clean my vestigial tail*
We asked the guy who wrote the play Cats "Why are you so into cats bro?" but he couldn't answer because his mouth was full of cats.
*hands over 4k in taxes every year to finance corporate subsidies*
"Yeah, but who's gonna pay for all that free stuff?"
As a middle-aged white man in America, I feel like Beyonce's new albu*sound of a fork caught in a garbage disposal*
Just found a strange clause in my AT&T contract that says that if I beat Mario Lopez in a fistfight then I'll become the host of Extra.
One time I started to cough during a moment of silence for the troops and a bald eagle swooped in and tried to rip my tongue out.
Trying to learn the guitar parts to Kid Rock's last album but the sheet music is just pictures of pregnant women naked.
I can't believe that Prince died when he was only 57 but my disfigured twin brother that lives in a cage in my basement will live forever.
Call me when they put Harriet Tubwoman on the 20 dollar bill.
My favorite people in this world are the ones who are truly genuine and authentic in spite of the massive hornet infestation in their attic.
*dips Boston Cream donut into clam chowder, winks at Mark Wahlberg* This is our bleeping city
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want a billion dollars
Genie: Sure, I just need your banking information
Me: No way pal
My gigantic hairstyle got stuck in the ferris wheel at Coachella and now all the vegans look like tiny ants
Boy, that violinist from the Dave Matthews Band is gonna be one annoying ghost some day.
Autocorrect tries to change fleek to clerk because that's the only job you'll get if you keep using that word
If I was drowning and someone tossed me a soft pretzel instead of a life preserver I would probably be cool with it and just embrace death
Famous Bassist: Maybe you've heard of me, I'm the bassist from...
Me: Sorry never heard of you
Vladimir Putin always looks like he just got off of the phone with Liam Neeson.
The 5 Stages of Grief
3. Ice World
4. Fire World
5. Final Boss
I'm an absurdist. It's the absurdest.
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