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Everyone thinks the world will end with a virus or a nuclear war but it's really just gonna be a bunch of white guys voting on a referendum
*reads about Brexit*
*checks to see if all of my money is on fire*
I'm not crying, I just have an assault rifle stuck in my eye
It's not the heat, it's the futility.
5 Stages At The Grief Music Fest:
1 Creedence Clearwater Denial
2 Kendrick Lamargaining
3 Wu-Tanger Clan
4 Mobb Deepression
Sorry I turned your BBQ into a place of passion when your Aunt Joan got her hopes and dreams entangled in the soft tufts of hair on my chest
This guy on an exercise bike at the gym went off the rails and rode it out the door. Disappeared into a point on the horizon. I wanna be him
For sale: Baby shoes, dope af
Imagine if one of your hobbies was going on the internet to defend inanimate objects
You can have my gun when you pry it out of my warm, shaved asshole
The year is 2054. My casket's being lowered into the landfill. My grandson Chipotle starts to play Taps on his iBugle. A 15 second ad plays.
Sending your thoughts and prayers out to the victims is like sending Bigfoot out to search for your missing child.
The strangest by-product of mass shootings in America is how everyone immediately takes to social media to discuss automobile related deaths
One time when me and Obama where having gay sex he leaned over and whispered the phrase "radical Islamic terrorism" in my ear
The Passion of the Christ 2: 2 Passionate 2 Christlike
Delete your shoes https://twitter.com/StephenCurry30/status/740700143519862784 …
I'm an absurdist (it's the absurdest)
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