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I'm sorry that I used a kickflip like a sledgehammer to break down the walls that were built up around your girlfriend's heart.
If you see a NASCAR hat hanging from my doorknob that means I'm in my room having sex with my cousin.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Jeb Bush asked me to prove that I'm a Christian so I asked him to prove that God exists and we laughed and laughed until he had me deported.
I don't wear a wedding ring because I'm an electrician and metal is dangerous. Also, I'm not married so...Anyways, sorry I dropped your baby
[looking over new cellphones]
"Which one is the best for fighting with strangers?"
I heard that Hollywood is gonna do a remake of the movie Memento. I also heard that they're planning to do a remake of the movie Memento.
My doctor found out that I'm stashing honey-baked ham in my underwear and now I have to see a different kind of doctor.
"Is this a date? It feels like a date"
I've never worn a bowtie, I'm always too scared that if I tell a joke it will start spinning around and I'll fly away.
*wastes 4 years of his life*
Yes I'm definitely using this website for what it was intended for
Clerk at Starbucks just said "Happy Truckdays" to me. I don't care if it's Chevy Truck Month buddy, we need to keep the Toyota in Toyotathon
I don't care about what is written on the Starbucks cups as long as they're still stained with the blood of my enemies
math is the devil's poetry.
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