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My doctor says that I have to wear a mask whenever I sleep now because of all the macaroni and cheese in my lungs.
I've been stuck downtown since I got out of work because every time I go to hail a cab a falcon lands on my arm.
*sees Planned Parenthood video*
We need to discuss this disregard for human life
*sees video of shooting*
There's no reason to discuss this
I don't have yogurt but for 3 nights I've had this dream where I have 16 yogurts in my fridge. I've never been so scared to sleep in my life
Me: I think the stress is finally starting to get to me
Filing Cabinet Next To My Desk: You should murder Sally in accounting
Twitter recently introduced a new comprehensive statistical analysis of tweets in an effort to mathematically show me how bad my tweets are.
I hope that the people who spell the word "check" like "cheque" enjoy wearing top hats and twirling their mustaches in hot air balloons.
I'm not allowed to do karaoke anymore ever since my chest hair got caught in the dreams of every lonely housewife in this dead-end town.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that's what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
I personally think the Fat Jew is pretty funny. I also enjoy eating dry toast and prefer to have sex in the missionary position.
What's the plural of Hoobastank? I want this letter to the Make-a-Wish Foundation to be perfect
"Dad, where does Bud Light come from?"
Well, you see son, when an American flag falls in love with a bucket of urine...
Harry Potter and The Never-Ending Stream of GOP Candidates for President
If you ever find yourself stranded in the wilderness just rub two selfie sticks together to start an Instagram account.
Might fuck around and eat a sugar-free popsicle before bed
I'm an absurdist. It's the absurdest.
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