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"The secret to life is to just go out there and live it!" I screamed at the homeless man, as I forced him to water ski.
My retirement plan is just a blurry photo of a three-legged dog humping a recycling bin in the pouring rain.
Don't make me unlikable. You wouldn't like me when I'm unlikable.
Spent 3 hours trying to pet the most beautiful horse in the world today before I realized I was chasing my own ponytail around in circles.
Flashlight app for your phone or spotlight for your genitals? We'll find out next on "Jeremy Gets Arrested At The Grocery Store"
I can't wait to have children so that the world can eat them.
Just bought a new pair of fingerless gloves to go with my headless hat.
I almost drowned in a pool of Mountain Dew when I was 13. They said I'd never have children, but I do give birth to a dirtbike every 3 years
Spaghetti is my favorite food because there's always a small chance that you might end up kissing a dog while you're eating it.
*hammers and saws drowning out my voice*
Me? I'm just relaxing right now, taking a bath and listening to The Carpenters.
*suspect describing me to cops*
He was 6 feet tall, 6'4" on rollerskates. His hair flirted with the breeze like a drunk Italian at a wedding
Accidentally hit the smooth button instead of the snooze button and ended up with ten more minutes of Rob Thomas and Santana.
I've never written a subtweet before, but here we go; Jared is my fucking hero.
I've always known that Vanilla Ice was a burglar ever since he stole my heart in the early 90's.
No country for old men? No classic rock for old women? No disco for babies? You're the worst DJ ever
*DJ kills me with a captive bolt pistol
What's the big deal about letting your children listen to rap music? I listened to rap when I was growing up and I turned down for what.
If my mixtape drops in the forest and no one is around to hear it, is it still fire?
Paul McCartney's voice sounds like what Chevy Chase looks like.
Kathy, hold my calls please. Stacy, snuggle with my texts. Don't ever let go of my email Jen. I'll be fucking the fax machine if you need me
I'm an absurdist. It's the absurdest.
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