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The people who told me that I'd never be able to pet a wolf were the same people who called 911 as I emerged from the woods covered in blood
I don't approve of people who bend at the waist to pick up their kids, that's just not the right way to raise your children.
I thought Kid Rock was singing Silent Night outside my house but it was just some guy lighting fireworks off in the back of a pickup truck.
God is a DJ and the world is a dancefloor and the bible is his mixtape and Jesus is hanging out in the bathroom trying to get you to buy one
I'd let Wu Tang watch my kids but there's 9 of them, I can't afford 9 babysitters, maybe if they took turns but I don't think they'd do that
Funny how when I was a kid I couldn't wait to be an adult but now that I'm finally an adult all that I want to do is be a samurai.
Keith caught me blasting my glutes in the supply closet again and sent out a mass email detailing the beauty of my thin yet powerful frame.
A bagel is like a donut that went to college.
Speak fast, I've got places to go and people to see and food to eat and a futon on layaway and bees chasing me and a cat in a briefcase and
Me: I'm going to bed early.
Internet: I possess every single thing that you've ever wanted to read or watch
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
A butterfly can start a hurricane halfway across the globe by flapping it's wings and I can't start a lawnmower without calling a fireman.
Last Christmas, I gave you The Hobbit, the very next year, another one's here
I was downright flabbergasted when I found out that the ceremonial sacrifice of a newborn calf is what makes a Subaru a Subaru.
Donuts have holes in them to make sure that they'll float if you drop one in the bathtub.
Hi I'd like to rent a tandem bike and one of your finest mannequins please.