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Here, have a watermelon. It's like if a tuba was a fruit.
We can put a man on the moon but not even Tone Loc can tell me what a funky cold medina is.
We're almost out of Doritos. Quick, someone teach the Tostitos how to ride a skateboard.
18 Signs That You Might Be Working For Buzzfeed (Wait Until You See #8. How Did They Get Inside Your House?)
WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY!?
*mumbles something overtly racist about Obama*
Dating Tip: Do not go gentle into that good night
I'm the reason that you're not allowed to wear your shorts more than 6 inches above your knee in a nationally televised ping pong tournament
The smell of the grass, the crack of the bat, the chants of the fans, the crippling anxiety, the fear of death, the void is dark and endless
911: What's your emergency?
Me: Everything costs money.
Me: Where do you want to go eat tomorrow night?
Girlfriend: I'm fine. Everything's fine.
Please take 5 minutes out of your busy day to sign my online petition to have birds outlawed.
One time at dinner I asked my father to pass the salt and he threw a toaster oven at a ceiling fan. I became a man that day.
The doctors keep insisting that the mole on my back is "not a doctor's office" and that I should "please put a shirt on and leave Best Buy"
Doctor: I think you may have a rare form of brain cancer
Me: [leaning in really close] I can't believe there's not a vending machine here
Shoot for the moon. Even if you hit it, you probably won't be indicted if you're a police officer.
"I love you" he threatened.
A snake is just a guitar solo that can lay eggs.
I'm not crying, I just have a picture of myself doing karate stuck in my eye.
I'm an absurdist. It's the absurdest.
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