After staying late one night to work on a couple things with his drama teacher, a young Ryan Gosling was bitten by a radioactive sex symbol.

My dream first date would be to have Jimi Hendrix be my waitress at the Olive Garden.

Why are there jelly donuts but no peanut butter donuts? And why no peanut butter and jelly donuts? And why is my mother an alcoholic?

The first thing that I'd do if I became a fireman is throw away every shirt I own.

Some kid on the bus just dropped a can of Axe body spray and it exploded all over everyone and now half the passengers are drowning in pussy

Every time that a teenager falls off of a skateboard a Red Bull gets it's wings.

Every time I blow my nose I take a Rorschach test.

A mime is just a goth clown.

A paternity test recently revealed that my biological father is either an episode of The Muppet Show or a Bruce Springsteen concert t-shirt.

My washer and dryer have been dating for longer than any of the other large household appliances that I own.

Whenever I see a woman in distress I gently place her hand upon my abs to let her know that everything is going to be alright.

I can't even look at a power drill without my chest hair ripping a hole through my flannel shirt.

I thought that I just saw a huge spider in my bathtub but it was actually just another tiny octopus.

I read somewhere recently that scientists have invented a Vespa scooter that runs on old Ricky Martin CD's.

I've been searching all morning for a radio station that doesn't play any songs by U2 but I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

My friend Mike Gibbs was the best at skipping rocks across the lake when we were kids, which always angered my other friend Rock Skippington

My testicles are better than the resticles.

No matter how deep they tuck their t-shirts into their jeans, I will never understand the phenomenon known as "Guys Named Dave"

Women have to wear training bras when they're young so that their boobs will learn how to ruin men's lives.

Love is blind. Happiness is in a wheelchair. Hate has to wear a helmet when he goes to the zoo.