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A Redd's apple ale a day keeps the women away.
Gonzaga is my favorite college that might also be a cheese.
🎶And I would walk 500 dogs and I would walk 500 more just to be the man who walked a thousand dogs who's a good boy yes you are🎶
I think horse drawn carriages should be outlawed completely. There's just no good reason to force an animal with hooves to hold a pencil.
Clerk: Do you want paper or plastic?
Jaden Smith: If Fish Had Wings Then Water Would Float Around In The Air
Kids these days have it so easy. When I was young, I had to walk 20 miles to the hospital after my father beat me for leaving a window open.
When Melissa Etheridge closes her door, I come to her window.
"Someone's got a case of the Mondays!" I exclaimed, as Phil from accounting ran shrieking down the hallway with blood pouring from his eyes.
*tries a little tenderness*
*gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Call me old fashioned, but I'm dying of an infection that could be cured with simple antibiotics.
The manager at Whole Foods heard me singing along to a Tori Amos song and asked me if I wanna go out back and swim around in the soy milk.
*angrily storms out of plastic surgeon's office*
[girlfriend chasing after me]
"What did you think rhinoplasty was?"
I'm gonna throw a grenade at the factory where they make those sports foam finger things. I do not like them, nothing can stop me.
If you ever get stranded in the wilderness just rub two Styx albums together to start a Trans Am.
Currently on trial for strangling a man to death with my bare midriff
I'm sorry that my goth nephew tried to use telepathy to take your order at The Cheesecake Factory.
[me narrating a documentary about love]
"Look at these two idiots"
I'm not crying, I just have the balance of my checking account stuck in my eye.
I'm an absurdist. It's the absurdest.
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