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A doctor just checked my reflexes and told me I should rip two sleeves off my denim jacket and call him from the dance floor.
Say what you want about freedom of speech, but it is the ██████ in the backseat of a Ford Taurus.
*lies about being able to fix your car so that I can pretend that the cool little stick that you check the oil with is a sword*
A rollerblade is sleek and sexy but a rollerskate is strong and caring and will hold you for hours after you make love under the stars.
"I don't see race." -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's from vaccines.
Robert Plant once described my singing voice as "trespassing on private property" and "the reason he installed video surveillance"
The year is 2379. A man sits down on his hovercouch and logs onto Twitter. He begins to write "The year is 3482..."
Time waits for no man. Time is taking her vibrator out of the drawer on her nightstand. Your time is gonna come.
I heard that right after Robin Williams got to heaven he made Tupac laugh so hard that he pissed his pants (just kidding, Tupac is in hell).
This has definitely been the scariest Shark Week ever.
"Kanye West" -Kanye West
Facebook: Everyone from your high school singing their own version of We Didn't Start The Fire while throwing pictures of their kids at you.
"Danger is my middle name." -Rodney Field
But grandma, it shouldn't matter if my new calculator is black, it's what's on the inside that counts.
The opposite of Christian Bale is Muslim Bushel.
My porn name is Robert Paulson.