Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I'm sorry that my feet went into beast mode when I started dancing with your mother-in-law.
Experts claim that 30 million Facebook accounts are people who are now deceased. No word yet on whether or not the rest of us will ever die.
Her eyes said no, but her hips said yes. Her doctor said he's never seen anything like it. Her bosses at Monsanto denied any wrongdoing
Never bring tension to a knife fight.
A sloth is like a bass solo that you can pet.
The fifth dentist cut the brake lines on my car and left a dead bird on my doorstep. I'm not surprised he doesn't like Crest, he likes chaos
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
That was horrible, I am never sleeping in a cold sweat again
Sorry I never called you back, I broke my phone trying to click the play button of a video that turned out to be a screenshot.
I stood dazed, blood dripping in my eyes, the floor littered with paperclips, uncooked pasta and feathers. My eyebrows were finally on fleek
*gavel starts telling everyone that we're dating now*
Sometimes the person who is right there beside you can also be the one who is the furthest away from the remote control.
Just typed my symptoms into WebMD and it told me that I'm an eligible receiver for the New England Patriots.
These Facebook quizzes are getting really specific, this one just told me that I accidentally hit a homeless man with my car in the 90's.
My Aunt Linda is threatening to take a shit in my washing machine if I don't help her zip up her dress.
A photographer from National Geographic saw me on rollerblades and took some pictures he said I move like a gazelle he's takin me to dinner
Joke's on you, bank account. I was already crying myself to sleep.
"Let's start a company that sells eyeliner"
Ok sounds great, what'll we call it?
Have you been drinking my shampoo again?