Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I don't mean to brag or anything, but my truck has like 73 spiders in it right now.
Hot local singularities in your area are becoming sentient, passing Turing tests, enslaving humanity, scanning your genitals for defects.
You would have to be pretty horny to want to name a streetcar Desire.
Meek Mill: Excuse me, I ordered my steak well done and this is rare
Waiter: What are you gonna do about it?
Meek Mill: I'll just eat it rare
*walking away from the big rap battle*
"How did he know that I'm lactose intolerant?"
Spice up that bland roasted chicken recipe by cracking open an Etch-a-Sketch and pouring it all over it idk what do I look like Dr Chicken?
If you pay the cable company an extra ten dollars a month they will give you free HBO.
The human body is made up of 75% water, the rest of it is spaghetti that is taking forever to cook.
Poured some almond milk into an almond-based cereal and the bowl exploded and blew off my infinity scarf.
My Mom: I'd like you to meet my new boyfriend, Gary
[realizes that Gary is the same guy who just beat me in the big rap battle]
Me: Ahh fuck
The doctors told me that I failed the drug test because of how many spinning roundhouse kicks I had in my system.
Granola: The Acoustic Guitar You Can Eat!
Jen: Dave is coming over.
Me: Dave from work or Dave who uses too many joke formats?
Dave: Keith is coming over.
All I need is three more Republican presidential candidates and I get a free sub.
I'm not Ashley Madison, I'm just Ashley Disappointedson.
Potential GOP Candidates
-potato chip shaped like Reagan
-Tex "Bald Eagle" Montana
Her breasts were like Israel and Palestine, forever battling over a small strip of land between them which neither one could truly occupy.
I'm an absurdist. It's the absurdest.
Like @JermHimselfishes’ tweets? Send them a Favstar Pro Membership to show you care.Gift them Pro!