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Life Hack: If you can't find the Hot Topic in your local mall just release a blind raven from your cloak and he'll lead you to the entrance.
The Ford Explorers first discovered the Pontiac Azteks on their first expedition to Hyundai Santa Fe in the early F-150's.
I like Twitter because it gives me something to do with my big ass brain when I'm not hating myself.
"Do you want fries with that?"
*leans in really close to the drive thru speaker*
"Do you want to shut up so I can finish ordering?"
Just accidentally bit off the tip of my tongue trying to pronounce the word Worcestershire.
In the wild of Alaska, large packs of Discovery Channel cameramen can be spotted drinking from the lakes that thaw out in the summer months.
In France, Fruit-by-the-Foot is known as a "Royale with Feet"
Very few people realize that Charles Manson's full name is Stop Writing Horrible Charles Manson Jokes Jr.
Nobody else wants to bring a long, pointed stick into surgery with them so it looks like I'll be the one spearheading the whole operation.
The statue in the town square started crying blood again which means that there's gonna be 6 more weeks of me walking around shirtless.
Bae: Come over.
Good Cop: What seems to be the problem?
Bae: My parents aren't home.
Bad Cop: You killed them didn't you, you sick fuck
My bologna has a last name ever, first name greatest.
All fishing is fly fishing if you wear a gold chain while you're doing it and doing it and doing it well.
Don't ever let anyone tell you that you aren't special, spend most of your adult life slowly discovering that on your own.
Where there's blueberry aromatherapy smoke, there's Arcade Fire.
"My daughter is just in love with her new guinea pig"
*you look and see a little girl feeding carrots to a policeman named Antonio*
You love Kim Kardashian? Oh yeah, name 3 of her butts.
Few people realize that Snow White had a little sister named Rain Wet.
Shirt buttoned all the way up: Business
1 button undone: Casual
2 buttons undone: Italian Casual
3 buttons undone: Greek DJ