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I've seen some lowdown, dirty things in my life, but robbing a bakery really takes the cake.
Even scientists aren't sure where scientists come from. "The future?" said one scientist. "Ohio?" said the same scientist in a deeper voice.
The Wikipedia page for Wikipedia is ruining my life.
Mitsubishi Galant? More like Mitsubishi Goofus.
I was up on my roof doing karate and the neighbors called the cops to complain about how I resemble a cobra who could strike at any moment.
Wow I can't believe that another guy tried to illegally immigrate to the white house today.
My anaconda wants so much more than you could ever give to me Becky. This relationship is over. Don't cry, it's not your buns, it's mine.
It's like I can't even walk down the street anymore without at least one mime trying to get me to watch his mixtape.
What base is it when you convince her uncle that jet fuel can't melt steel beams?
That? Oh, that's just a picture of me and my grandfather. He was killed by a shark last year while having sex with my grandmother.
*walks out of the bathroom you've been waiting to use*
Actually, frisbee is a brand name, they're called flying disks.
Don't Tell Mom That Punk Rock's Dead
Your password must contain all the words that you wanted to say to her but never had the courage to speak.
"Mentos was once known as the freshmaker" I tell my son. A bomb explodes. Shots fired. We duck into an alley just as a Mentos truck rolls by