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Why is Giuliani "America's Mayor"? Because he was the mayor when we were attacked? Call me crazy, but I like mayors who weren't attacked
Boy, Alex Jones seems worn out from all the hecklers. If only there was some magic potion of vitality that would help him regain his energy
Sorry if I seem a little out of it. My strong, healthy son drowned in a medium Dr. Pepper from Burger King 3 years ago this night.
TRUMP: And for my vice-president, I'll be choosing Gov. Fence
[campaign staffer whispers in his ear]
TRUMP: I've made a huge mistake
"Someday we will look back on this and laugh" I say, as I toss a clown out of a moving vehicle
If you think that the Ghostbusters have ruined your life just imagine how the ghosts feel
I bet that the first guy to call a television a TV had balls the size of casaba melons
If emo bands from the 80's make you feel better about being sexually harassed then I have The Cure for what Ailes you.
I had to travel all the way to South America but I finally caught Zikachu.
After 19 years, Tim Duncan is retiring from the NBA so that he can go back to doing what he loves: eating dry wheat toast and drinking water
Accidentally called a fire hydrant a "street faucet" and now the firemen are just letting my house burn down
Welcome to America. Here's 20 packages of ketchup. If you don't have a gunshot wound a police officer will be by shortly to assign you one.
*gets hit in the head with a giant, floppy pink dildo*
I'll take a Redd's Apple Ale
Today is so hot that Louis CK just forced it to watch him jerk off in an elevator
I'm in the business of using a microphone attached to a long metal pole to record actors on movie sets and business is booming.
"What are fireworks made out of dad?
Well you see son, when a bald eagle falls in love with a rocket launcher...
"Hey kid, ever thought of learning how to play the trumpet?"
"You mean the virgin saxophone? No thanks pal, I want to be a father someday"
Baby wipes aren't just for babies, you can use them on your neighbors if you want to
I'm an absurdist (it's the absurdest)
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