Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
It's so great Chipotle delivers now, they'll bring you anything on the menu. They'll bring you bees, I talked to Gary, he's bringing me bees
Here's a fun prank for cookouts this summer: Find a guy named Bob and call him shish-kebab, then sleep with his wife for 3 years.
Vaseline was invented in 1905 by Edgar Vaseline who was commonly referred to as the slipperiest muthafucka in South Dakota.
Accidentally poured coconut water into my Brita and now it will only filter selfies of me doing yoga.
Sometimes I like to sit on my hand until it falls asleep and pretend like someone else is thirty thousand dollars in debt.
I thought I saw Ray Liotta at a Dick's Sporting Goods today but it turns out that someone had just spilled gin all over a catcher's mitt.
Just tried to say the word rural while sucking on a lollipop and knocked out two of my teeth.
Two in the pink, one in four Americans suffer from some form of depression and it stinks.
I thought I saw a white girl with dreads today but it was just another large group of snakes eating a honeydew melon.
Will I be able to understand Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 if I haven't seen the first sign of the apocalypse?
The coolest thing about my generation is that we'll probably get to watch the last poet die.
It's 2046. Robots can now feel emotions. Nothing's changed, they just listen to lots of country music. They wear cowboy hats. They're idiots
I forgot to pay my credit card bill at Hot Topic and now seven large crows are blocking the entrance to my house.
I Went To Coachella And All I Got Was This Lousy Sense Of Entitlement
Dry cleaner: We offer the finest in specialized garment care using the best eco-friendly cleaners
Me: Can you get cum out of a suede jacket
*spits out crayon*
This craft beer sucks bro
My girlfriend is mad at me because when we were having sex I screamed out the name of a restaurant that wasn't Applebee's.
Telling someone with depression to just cheer up is like telling someone with lung cancer to take a deep breath and relax.
I'm an absurdist. It's the absurdest.
Like @JermHimselfishes’ tweets? Send them a Favstar Pro Membership to show you care.Gift them Pro!