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I slaughtered the rabbit and put it in the basket. How long until it rises from the dead so I may feast upon its unborn chocolate children?
"This relationship is like IKEA furniture!" I scream, as I enter the bank in a ski mask.
I hate it when I accidentally spill baby oil all over my chest right when someone is taking a black and white picture of me on the beach.
There's a party in my pants and my asshole just went to go get his acoustic guitar.
If any of you guys have any questions that you want to ask me in the next hour just @ them to me so I can fav them and not reply.
Let's turn this hearse into a home.
The police said they have no clue who broke into my house and left a telescope by the window but that they'd look into it for me.
There's nothing better than finding an unexpected 20 dollar bill crumpled up in the pocket of a kangaroo that you haven't ridden in a while.
The first teenagers to ever shop this mall used every part of the buffalo wing and believed that taking a selfie would steal your soul.
He died doing it, and doing it, and doing it well.
"There is a light and it never goes out? It's probably a broken switch that needs to be replaced." -Morrissey, Licensed Electrician
Jeff Goldblum always looks like he's about to break down and confess that he's not really Jeff Goldblum.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, but in space no one can hear you scream for astronaut ice cream.
I stare at my phone like a worn down sailor stares at the harsh, unforgiving sea that stole the best years of his life and 2 of his fingers.
A large group of dumb tweets that all sound exactly the same is called a "format".
My senior photo had to be removed from the yearbook after three kids got lost in my eyes.
I came here to kick ass and chew bubblegum and I'm almost out of money. Can I borrow some to buy bubblegum? I'm almost out of that too.
Wanna feel old? People beat this format into the ground 200 years ago.
The penguin is mightier than the swordfish