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I hate it when I'm out at a fancy restaurant and I can't pronounce what I want so I have to point to a picture of Justin Bieber's penis.
I didn't even realize that it was almost Halloween, I honestly just thought the sex was spooktacular.
Announcer: The Texans just don't seem able to stop the Colts
Ben Carson: If I was playing I'd tell everyone to tackle the guy with the ball
@tastefactory meet me at the pet store Pat https://twitter.com/JermHimselfish/status/519210325368135680?s=09 …
The grocery store ran out of sea salt so I've been dunking all my caramels in the unforgiving ocean.
I guess Marley Cyprus was right, there's always gonna be another mountain lion.
Just saw a Pottery Barn beating the shit out of a Dress Barn.
For Halloween I'm going as a sexy McDonald's breakfast all day.
Wearing a denim vest is like playing a guitar solo with your chest.
Wasn't able to make it to my vegan karate class last night because I sprained my ponytail trying to swim with seals at the aquarium.
The Starbucks people wrote "Lonely Eyes" on my coffee cup again.
A Serious Debate About The Gun Laws In Our Country and chill
The Ravens aren't wearing the pink stuff because they like to beat up women and pour bleach on them.
God bless America
My home sweet home
From the mountains
To the prairies
To the oceans
To the windows
To the walls
To the sweat, sweat, sweat
That's not funny, my father was killed by a Draftkings millionaire.
I thought I found water on Mars too but it was just more Matt Damon piss
If Andy Reid loses tonight he will become the only head coach in NFL history whose parents were sea lions.
I can't wait until Whole Foods starts selling "Mars Water" for 50 bucks a bottle.
I'm an absurdist. It's the absurdest.
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