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I was under the impression that everybody washed their jeans down by the riverbed at sunset to preserve the integrity of the fabric.
Just pulled my pants up too high and now a crowd of teenagers has gathered around me to learn about the wonders of science.
I just tried to order a bunch of combination plates from a Chinese food restaurant and accidentally won a 5th grade spelling bee.
"Girl..." is a Diamond's best song.
I wonder if Johnny Depp's bracelets ever get jealous now that Steven Tyler's scarves are dating Bruno Mars' hats.
I would think that Michael Jackson's left hand would've gotten cold in the winter, but on the other hand he did wear a glove.
Thinking about going back to college to get my degree in anti-perspirant.
I've read the tag on my underwear four times and nowhere on there does it say that I can't use them as a napkin when I'm not wearing them.
I just saw a woman chasing a departing train with tears in her eyes, frantically waving at a terrified young man in a Best Buy uniform.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato with an Iron Maiden patch sewn onto the back of it.
Washing machines will typically only mate with one dryer for their entire adult lives, producing 2-4 dishwashers over that span.
Just found out that Home Depot is selling a prosthetic limb that's a replica of my arm doing a karate chop in the axe section of their store
"Hi, I'm looking for a pair of pleated khaki slacks please."
*bites into an onion like it's an apple*
You'd be surprised to find out just how much you can learn about something by simply driving a golf cart into it.
I usually wear two sweater vests so that if something happens to my primary sweater vest then I'm already wearing my secondary sweater vest.
Up until I was 6 years old I thought skintight black leather pants were just called pants.
The penguin is mightier than the swordfish.