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I wonder what would happen if I deleted my Twitter accou[before I can finish the words I'm already having sex with a human woman]
If Gucci was one of Hilary's e-mails he would have never been released.
The Chewbacca mask lady is pretty funny, but nothing will ever be funnier than the masks we all wear to hide our true selves from society.
*sees a commercial about the new advanced quilting technology being used in toilet paper* oh fuck yeah
This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with a bat flip
Her: What are you wearing?
Me: 256 t-shirts
Her: Go slip into something more comfortable
Me: But I haven't broken the record yet
The new Instagram logo looks like a Scrabble tile that took too much ecstasy.
For whom dat boi tolls
Words can't begin to describe the way that I feel about stuff.
Me: Please someone help, my daughter is trapped in a well
Mustachioed Man Riding A Fixed-Gear Bike: Radiohead's new album is unbelievable
I'm a gender studies student at Wiz Khalifa University who thinks fracking is when Muppets have sex and I wanna argue about chemtrails
Wendy's cheeseburgers are square so that if you drop one in the street it won't fall down an open manhole cover
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL THE HOT MILFS OUT THERE *goes to high five a Bob Marley poster but trips and falls into a barrel full of dildos*
I hate it when I'm having sex with my girlfriend and I accidentally scream out the names of those responsible for the cover-up in Benghazi.
She said 'I'm not your enemy', I said 'That sounds like something that my enemy would say'
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