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Her hair was long, like a Maroon 5 song. Her eyes shined like 2 songs by Maroon 5. I tried to speak but all that came out was Maroon 5 songs
The year is 2147. Every car comes with a Coexist sticker on it. World peace reigns. Dogs and cats kissing. Samsung chargers work on iPhones.
You scratch off your passport photo to reveal a photo of an older you and a new address. You go there. It's a graveyard. A clown graveyard.
Dolphin Tale 3: Who Keeps Cutting The Tails Off Of These Dolphins?
Good Cop: I arrested a bunch of people today.
Bad Cop: I didn't.
She broke down the walls around my heart. She painted my ribs mauve. She redid the floor in my lungs. My torso sold for 9k over asking price
Kush had me smoking a couch cushion while I was looking for a couch to smoke more kush on.
Apparently I fulfilled some prophecy by pulling a rake out of a stone at Home Depot. They say I'm CEO now. Some guy with a mustache is cryin
Girl, if I could rearrange the alphabet I wouldn't touch that LMNOP part because of how much I like to say it really fast.
If you are mad at me for making a joke about Joan Rivers then you obviously are not very familiar with who Joan Rivers was.
There are 3 types of people in this world: people who are good at math and people who make bad jokes about math on the internet.
Shout out to people who are still in your house even though you've repeatedly asked them to leave.
I love when my old friends call out of nowhere just to ask me what I think the definition of Earth is. It really means the world to me.
Accidentally set off five car alarms this morning and now Iggy Azalea is suing me for plagiarism.
I can't believe that the summer's almost over. The only day that's more depressing than Labor Day is Green Day.
If you're stuck in the wilderness and need to start a fire just find 2 sticks and use them to inspire Alicia Keys to write a song about you.