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  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    Her: He's not like the other guys, this one is different

    *cut to me using a washcloth to clean my vestigial tail*

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  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    We asked the guy who wrote the play Cats "Why are you so into cats bro?" but he couldn't answer because his mouth was full of cats.

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  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    *hands over 4k in taxes every year to finance corporate subsidies*
    "Yeah, but who's gonna pay for all that free stuff?"

    • 57
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  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    As a middle-aged white man in America, I feel like Beyonce's new albu*sound of a fork caught in a garbage disposal*

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  • JermHimselfish
     
    jerm @JermHimselfish

    @Shanehasabeard it doesn't say, there's just a picture of a bear wearing judge's robes

    • 4
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  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    Just found a strange clause in my AT&T contract that says that if I beat Mario Lopez in a fistfight then I'll become the host of Extra.

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  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    One time I started to cough during a moment of silence for the troops and a bald eagle swooped in and tried to rip my tongue out.

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  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    Trying to learn the guitar parts to Kid Rock's last album but the sheet music is just pictures of pregnant women naked.

    • 77
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  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    I can't believe that Prince died when he was only 57 but my disfigured twin brother that lives in a cage in my basement will live forever.

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  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    Call me when they put Harriet Tubwoman on the 20 dollar bill.

    • 61
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  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    My favorite people in this world are the ones who are truly genuine and authentic in spite of the massive hornet infestation in their attic.

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  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    *dips Boston Cream donut into clam chowder, winks at Mark Wahlberg* This is our bleeping city

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  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    (rubs lamp)
    Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes
    Me: I want a billion dollars
    Genie: Sure, I just need your banking information
    Me: No way pal

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  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    My gigantic hairstyle got stuck in the ferris wheel at Coachella and now all the vegans look like tiny ants

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  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    Boy, that violinist from the Dave Matthews Band is gonna be one annoying ghost some day.

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  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    Autocorrect tries to change fleek to clerk because that's the only job you'll get if you keep using that word

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  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    If I was drowning and someone tossed me a soft pretzel instead of a life preserver I would probably be cool with it and just embrace death

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  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    Famous Bassist: Maybe you've heard of me, I'm the bassist from...

    Me: Sorry never heard of you

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  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    Vladimir Putin always looks like he just got off of the phone with Liam Neeson.

    • 63
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  • JermHimselfish
      jerm @JermHimselfish

    The 5 Stages of Grief

    1. Shock
    2. Denial
    3. Ice World
    4. Fire World
    5. Final Boss

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@JermHimselfish

@JermHimselfish

I'm an absurdist. It's the absurdest.

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