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Me at the zoo: I bet polar bears taste like vanilla ice cream
Zoologist: [in front of a large tub of root beer] Only one way to find out
There are 46 states where recreational marijuana use is illegal and I just saw a blonde girl at Chipolte stirring guacamole with a handgun.
No, the guitar will only shoot lightning bolts out of it if I'm the one playing it, I specifically stated that in the craigslist ad.
11k people are injured every year by fireworks. Republicans argue that # would be lower if everyone was allowed to carry concealed fireworks
[casually sipping the water from an aquarium]
Birds are bullshit man. I'm into fish now.
The best way to console a crying woman is to hold her hand, tell her it'll be alright, and gently wipe the tears from her eyes with a cat.
Add some excitement to an otherwise boring meal by sleeping with the chef's wife for 2 years.
The judge ordered me to wear an ankle bracelet at all times. I didn't commit a crime, the jury just decided that I had really nice ankles.
I never know where to put my hands when I'm slicing my wrists.
My parole officer is in some hot water over the book of poems he self-published about the complex beauty that inhabits my eyebrows.
The song "More Than A Feeling" is loosely based on a hug that I gave to your Aunt Linda.
Oh. My. God. Becky, look at his paycheck. It's almost 23% larger than yours is.
[watching The Wonder Years]
This dude is a savage
Tried to impress a group of teenagers at the mall and got my man bun stuck in the frozen yogurt machine again.
What is spaghetti anyways? Just a bunch of noodles on a plate if you ask me
Day 479. Still hustlin'. My shoes no longer have soles. My children refuse to speak to me. My wife is sleeping with a mattress salesman.
Oh cool now there's twice as many people that don't wanna marry me
"Sometimes it feels like he's the one who rescued me" I say to my date, gesturing towards the large Asian man standing guard outside my apt.
I'm an absurdist. It's the absurdest.
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