Over on FB people are posting up prayers..you know, because Jesus is gonna check facebook today.

By party, i mean just chill....like a boss

I shouldn't've wasted my daughter's college fund on last night's "Take me home, Jesus" theme party.

Faux-kidnapping kids at Chuck E Cheese to see if there is anyone looking after them. We still have 3 kids in our "custody".

Arnold Schwarzenegger Admits to Fathering Child With Staffer. I bet he used the line, "cum with me if you want to live"

Pretty Woman but with a broke John C Reiley instead of Richard Gere

Amywho foo, i just woke up from my Friday evening nap. who wants to party?

Smashing my frozen baby toe in the middle of the night is God's way of saying i'm on the wrong path.

You can lead the whores to water and you can make them drink and follow orders

@mvasq85 @emmalourdes @_vaginasaurus http://yfrog.com/kealyacj

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there.
You really deserve more than one day out of the year devoted to you.

I dont mind kids. it's just the mental adjustment you make before dealing with them except for MY kid because she's my mothafuckin princess

I figure Tebow used his Sunday wish to have Kim Jong Il kick the bucket. The force is strong with this one.

@canadian_jane Jurassic Bark is this generation's tear-jerker

I'm test-driving a fleshlight, your Sunday is invalid

Does HATERADE come in different flavors of does it only taste bitter?

"I put the 'gin' in virgins"
- high school creep

Words With Friends has to get with the.times. How is "Jizz" not a word? #134points

"I have read the Terms of Agreement" = "i'll give a hobo a rim-job for the program I'm about to open"

"Hook" always gets me