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@JerryThomas' most faved Tweets...
JerryThomas
I'm cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
@JerryThomas
JerryThomas
I wish I had three hands so that I could flip people off inside of air quotes.
@JerryThomas
JerryThomas
Mock me now, but when I'm famous you'll all be eating Pez out of my head.
@JerryThomas
JerryThomas
Yes, I read Quantum Physics. But only for the particles.
@JerryThomas
JerryThomas
I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. Which means I have nineteen hours to do six months of flossing.
@JerryThomas
JerryThomas
I just bought an answering machine and it doesn't work. Or maybe I'm just asking it the wrong questions.
@JerryThomas
JerryThomas
Just give me the damn fish. Don't try to educate me.
@JerryThomas
JerryThomas
Sleep is for people without Internet access.
@JerryThomas
JerryThomas
Before there was an Internet, people probably spent a lot of time wondering what to do with all their pictures of cats.
@JerryThomas
JerryThomas
If you haven't got anything nice to say -- for crying out loud, log off of Facebook and post it over here on Twitter.
@JerryThomas
JerryThomas
If you give a man a fish, and he makes lemonade, you have found a weirdo.
@JerryThomas
JerryThomas
These food stamps taste terrible.
@JerryThomas
JerryThomas
I would date Alanis Morissette, but I don't think I'm strong enough to survive the break-up song.
@JerryThomas
JerryThomas
You'd think that Hip-Hop music would have more bunnies in it, but no.
@JerryThomas
JerryThomas
Women who chase after younger men are called "Cougars," whereas men who chase after younger women are called "Men."
@JerryThomas
JerryThomas
I'd go to more funerals, but I'm just not a mourning person.
@JerryThomas
JerryThomas
Next election, I'm voting for Sir Mix-a-Lot. Because he cannot lie.
@JerryThomas
JerryThomas
Tonight is bad for me. Could everyone arrange to Wang Chung maybe some time early tomorrow afternoon?
@JerryThomas
JerryThomas
I will not be applying for a job training killer whales, mainly because I'm too delicious.
@JerryThomas
JerryThomas
Now that Tiger has spoken, stay tuned for Ron Jeremy's apology for getting caught playing golf.
@JerryThomas
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