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When I retweet you, that's me telling everyone they better fucking follow you.
A hard on is when you just want to fuck, a crush develops when you realise you also want to taste their mind.
Eventually, I may get bonus features. If there's ever a time when I'm not going to use that $30 toward alcohol or groceries.
Not asking for much, just someone to kiss and who will play with my hair when I get too excited and will remind me to take my drugs. And sex
Your car certainly won't fucking impress me if your brain doesn't.
Being mature doesn't mean I'm more serious than you, just that I'm able to deal with the bullshit life throws at me.
'And the thing about fucking in a Prius is that you don't have to feel guilty afterwards.'
(But still don't do it.)
Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But shout it at them in German, cos life is also terrifying and confusing.
I'm just going to roll around naked until I absolutely have to get dressed. Is that okay?
Everyone should spend at least one year in a major city, one year on drugs, and five years being clinically insane.
I joke about sex but I don't joke about rape. You probably shouldn't either because it sucks. Thanks.
I'm just going to start doodling trophies and uploading them and @'ing them to people.
My phone refuses to accept 'jeggings' as a word, so here's proof they're ridiculous.
Right, because waving my arms and yelling down the hall in German is the perfect way to reassure you that I am sane.
I put a lot of effort into going to get drunk.
Questions I don't want to ask:
'How did that get on my glasses?'
Favstar hates me.
Someone is hovering over me. Hey guy, how do you like my twitter TL?
If I have mono I will laugh and laugh.*
Neurotic foodie type with a brain faster than a Bugatti. I used to be funny but now I mostly post food.
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