@Jessabelle2o7's (Jess) most faved Tweets...
Guys, I just saw a vampire. Ok, it was a kid with a Twilight pin, but I followed him to his car and stabbed the shit out of him to be safe.
I hate when one nipple gets as hard as a diamond, but the other remains as cold and disinterested as Gwyneth Paltrow in every movie ever.
"Disturbing" is seeing the neighbor's cat eat it's own shit. "Horrifying" is hearing a 7-year-old boy use the phrase "cum slut" accurately.
Business Idea: A little store named Awkward Express. You come in, we measure your inseam. That's it. And then you leave.
Bad: starting one's period.
Worse: while masturbating.
Worser: for the viewing pleasure of a guy.
Nightmare: who owns a denim fanny pack.
Worse: while masturbating.
Worser: for the viewing pleasure of a guy.
Nightmare: who owns a denim fanny pack.
Ever had a date so bad, you later adopted a cat and taught it to use scissors so it can trim your chin hairs one day?
Well fuck you, then.
Well fuck you, then.
I may be an asshole sometimes, but only a tiny one. Like a baby-sized asshole. An ass pore, really. I'm a babyhole ass pore.
Dear chain-smoking lady with the "Don't like my smoke? Stop breathing" t-shirt: Don't like my fist? Stop having a face.
"Guess what."
"Chicken butt."
"I can't believe you went to law school."
"I can't believe I let you finger me at the holiday party."
"Chicken butt."
"I can't believe you went to law school."
"I can't believe I let you finger me at the holiday party."
The Douche-Off was set to go down between the courier and barista, when a dude with an ironic mustache and his Yorkie came out of nowhere.
I just ran into an old flame,...along with his pretty wife and child. Then I remembered how his little man boobs jiggled during sex.
*Phew*
*Phew*
I hit on the office hottie by telling him his hair is "super-shiny" and offering him half of my Jenny Craig brownie. I got this locked down.
Just before the Roman Empire fell, there were two dance-based reality shows airing during primetime on the same night, too.
This $2 burrito kinda took me by surprise. It's like a bulimic white girl with the singing voice of a robust black woman who's known pain.
That's it -- I need to kidnap a geek to fix my laptop. Please have your eyeglasses, inhaler, and Batman pajamas packed and ready to go.
I thought I heard a noise, so I karate kicked my bathroom door open.
Nothing. Except now I have a broken door.
But Goddamn, I feel alive.
Nothing. Except now I have a broken door.
But Goddamn, I feel alive.
Contrary to popular belief, city-dwellers aren't more susceptible to bedbugs because of crowded housing. It's because they're dirty sinners.
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