"Luke, I am your father. I am also your uncle." - Kentucky Star Wars

Wanna see white people get excited? Play the intro to "Brass Monkey".

I look great naked as long as the lights are off and no one is looking at me and I have my clothes on.

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

Hey, restaurants who use the word "Grille": Fucke you.

No, YOUR bad with grammar.

I could never be a vegan because I don't like it when things taste like shit.

My nephew tells his teacher to suck a bag of dicks ONE TIME and all of a sudden I'm "not allowed to babysit".

The worst things on Earth are racism, genocide, and when couples sit on the same side of the booth.

Okay, women, so it's: Be nice, but not too nice; be sweet, but not a wuss; & take control, but don't control you? Got it!

(I don't got it)

A woman in this waiting room just said "LMAO" out loud, in case you were wondering who the worst person on Earth is.

Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That's cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.

Let me save you from all that Cosmo reading, girls: The biggest turn off is when you're ugly.

Rockstar Energy Drinks taste like date rape and tanning lotion.

"This shit, is bananas! A-p-r-i-c-o-t!" - Kim Kardashian

New rule: From now on, you must be at least 30 to ride this ride.

(...Get it?)

(I'm the ride.)

(It's a sex joke.)

(I like older women.)

5/4ths of my life has been spent trying to understand fractions.

ANOTHER fucking speeding ticket because of Michael Buble's Christmas album.

I've never said "I'm gonna go to McDonalds", and then later said "I'm happy I went to McDonalds".

Just killed a man and left his body where no one will ever find it. (A Radioshack)