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I wish I could see the look of surprise and wonder on my son's face when he opens his lunchbox full of tampons today. Payback for talkback.
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
Cop: You were driving erratically Me: You mean EROTICALLY! *Throws vibrator out of driver side window javelin style.*
My kids have the most fucking awful fucking potty mouth. I don't even know where they pick half that fucking shit up. The fucking bus I bet.
"YOU SUCK MOM!" yes. yes I do son, but not enough according to your dad.
My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.
wow. i think twitter has given me ADHD. or fucking tourettes. or alcholism. or or fucking bad grammer. or punctuation. or shit.
Today's hallmark moment: Son: I'm out of hair gel and yours sucks. My hair's all weird and slippery. Me: Put the KY back in the cabinet.
Yep. You sure are skinny. Doesn't make you pretty. Or smart. Or nice. I suggest you eat a burger and grow a personality. And an ass.
I just tried to star a text message. Thats the first sign isn't it.
If anyone needs me, I'm in the kitchen making my vibrator a sandwich.
I'm cock blocking husband while he masturbates in the office by slamming all the doors making him think the kids are running around.
8 teens in the the garage. I hear the miter saw and drill going. I'm just going to sit back and let Darwin take care of things in there.
Word to the wise: turn on light when lube searching. Related: Vic's Vapo Rub - NOT lube.
If I had a stripper name it would be: takemykids.
Having to show ID and sign out Sudafed at the pharmacy makes me want to snort it.
My first glass of "hey did I already finish that wine?" is gone.
The only good thing about the wet spot, is how it gets there.
My kids were gagging on the smell of a rotten onion (true). I told them that's what an STD smells like. Scare parenting for the new age.
My kid used a Martini Shaker to mix up his Ovaltine. (true) Clearly, my parenting skills have not gone unnoticed.
Suburban tyrant, stevedore potty-mouth champion. http://favstar.fm/users/JessiCanadian