I wish I could see the look of surprise and wonder on my son's face when he opens his lunchbox full of tampons today. Payback for talkback.

Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.

Cop: You were driving erratically Me: You mean EROTICALLY! *Throws vibrator out of driver side window javelin style.*

My kids have the most fucking awful fucking potty mouth. I don't even know where they pick half that fucking shit up. The fucking bus I bet.

"YOU SUCK MOM!" yes. yes I do son, but not enough according to your dad.

My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.

wow. i think twitter has given me ADHD. or fucking tourettes. or alcholism. or or fucking bad grammer. or punctuation. or shit.

Today's hallmark moment: Son: I'm out of hair gel and yours sucks. My hair's all weird and slippery. Me: Put the KY back in the cabinet.

Yep. You sure are skinny. Doesn't make you pretty. Or smart. Or nice. I suggest you eat a burger and grow a personality. And an ass.

I just tried to star a text message. Thats the first sign isn't it.

If anyone needs me, I'm in the kitchen making my vibrator a sandwich.

I'm cock blocking husband while he masturbates in the office by slamming all the doors making him think the kids are running around.

8 teens in the the garage. I hear the miter saw and drill going. I'm just going to sit back and let Darwin take care of things in there.

Word to the wise: turn on light when lube searching. Related: Vic's Vapo Rub - NOT lube.

If I had a stripper name it would be: takemykids.

Having to show ID and sign out Sudafed at the pharmacy makes me want to snort it.

My first glass of "hey did I already finish that wine?" is gone.

The only good thing about the wet spot, is how it gets there.

My kids were gagging on the smell of a rotten onion (true). I told them that's what an STD smells like. Scare parenting for the new age.

My kid used a Martini Shaker to mix up his Ovaltine. (true) Clearly, my parenting skills have not gone unnoticed.