A woman's heart is just as dumb as a guy's dick.

I wish instead of Grammar Nazis there were Grammar Angels. They'd quietly whisper, "Baby, you made a mistake. Let me fix it for you. -hug-"

Sometimes, the funniest people have the saddest hearts.

You know you're getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.

Women who give horrible blowjobs are the real terrorists.

Never bring a penis to a period fight.

I used to be an advice columnist. I quit because I was tired of all my advice being, "Give him a blowjob," "Lose weight," and "More vodka."

If you can't be funny, at least be nice. No one likes an unfunny asshole.

I wish a dingo would eat your ugly baby, so you'd stop posting pictures of it on Facebook.

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

I read that drinking was bad for you, so I'm never reading again.

The room is spinning. Further proof that the world revolves around me.

I don't like people who don't respond to my texts. I also don't like setting their car on fire, but I have to.

If a woman is mad at you, tell her you love her. The reason she's mad is because you said or did something that made her think you don't.

You'd need an elevator to get up to my level of crazy.

The STD I'm most afraid of is pregnancy.

Never try to convince someone to want you. Convince yourself you are worth so much more.

I'm not drunk, I'm just mean.

Actually, I'll do whatever the fuck I want, thanks.