"Beware of the woman who can feel her breaking point and is confident in her own worth." - @jessicafancy #Truth #WiseWords #ItsComing

@jessicafancy I'm buying a boat.

@jessicafancy If she loves me, she won't lock the door when she goes in.

Remember that time I cut big black nipples out of construction paper and took this picture #bigblacknipples pic.twitter.com/1wL5gD8pBU

Listen snooty saleswoman, I AM NOT LEAVING UNTIL I BUY THAT WINDOW! "Sir that's not how window shopping works.." *calls 911 on stupid bitch*

Blood is thicker than water. And way more delicious.

Coughing is just your body’s way of thanking you for smoking.

I'm penetrating you right now with my gaze.

Seriously though, I was looking at myself in the rearview mirror singing Joan Osborne's "One Of Us" and ran over something, your cat is dead

I bet that deadite girl in the Evil Dead cellar has nightmares about men who go shirtless to festivals.

I talk way more in my head than I do out loud.

Seems to be better conversation mostly Xx

Weird how the band "The Used" is all my ex girlfriends.

All the Facebook updates about nothing have taught celebrities it’s ok to make a big announcement if they’re about to drink a fucking Pepsi.

I'd forget my own date of birth before the recommended preheat temperature for frozen pizza

Imagine pokémon battle music playing when you hit on a girl. It won't help but when she rejects you it'll still feel rad as heck.

Please don't retweet hot people with dumb tweets. They do not need any more encouragement.

Damn girl, are you honey mustard? Because I fucking HATE honey mustard.

So I haven't done this in awhile but I thought I'd kick off today's twoodles with a tweet from @lazerdoov! #FF pic.twitter.com/qRWC4sUofg

I was about to do something productive but then I remembered I have a couch and a tv.

If there's an opportunity for old people erection pill commercials to get weirder they will. We did this to ourselves.