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It's like my doctor always says.... "You owe me $500 bucks."
A couple that works out together breaks up immediately because I can't handle you losing more weight than me.
So does anyone know a movie where they hate each other at first but then they fall crazy in love? I know it's pretty specific but think.
My wrists are really skinny, must be seeing the results of all the cardio I've been doing finally.
The meaner I am with you the more I care. Fuck off.
The fact that people actually put effort into making their hair look like they have bed-head is proof that society is full of idiots.
"iOS 8 could not be installed because you do not have enough storage space. Try deleting 1200 pictures of your cat."
Your statement necklace says you like cheap jewellery and have no taste.
if anyone needs me I'll be kissing babies at the Walmart from 11 to 1 pm
An 80s-style montage of me training to have the confidence to talk to a girl
Hey man, it's not my fault if you mistook me for being friendly and approachable.
Some asses were made for smacking and some were made for kicking.
your mom makes a delicious breakfast.
Ugh, don't even talk to me in the morning until I've had my first gram of heroin.
I would rather see a dead body than have someone make eye contact with me while they sing.
Eating tacos at 7 AM because we're all gonna die someday anyway.
Hating myself is the new black.
I'm the kinda guy who'll ask you your favorite color before fucking you.
"How tight should I tie my shoes, dad?"
"There should be as much tension as the set of Mr and Mrs Smith when Aniston came to visit"
You'd need an elevator to get up to my level of crazy. Instagram: JessicaFancy
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