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I wish people were as upset about people dying in this country as they are with the Spice Girls reunion.
You know that feeling when you're watching a video clip and you keep waiting and waiting for the good part but it never comes? My life.
If it weren't for this energy drink, I probably wouldn't have even gotten out of bed today
- sent from the couch
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Hey boy, are you a bottle rocket because I'm pretty sure I'd regret it if you got in my pants.
I'm white, but not gets locally sourced veggies from the farmers market with Bae for our gluten-free couples 4th of July barbecue white
I had a sandwich delivered from a place I could've walked to in 5 minutes, so no, I won't be getting up early for a bike ride with you.
"How YOU doin'?
- Bill Clinton to Attorney-General Janet Lynch, as he entered her plane parked on the tarmac
Why do we all pretend that The Man With The Yellow Hat from Curious George wasn't weird af for bringing his monkey friend to everyday events
What if we talked through our genitals instead of our mouths and you lost an argument because your zipper got stuck.
You'd need an elevator to get up to my level of crazy.
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