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Hey Twitter? When you rate limit my favs, I grin at your ever-diluted stock being down 62% year on year and your $0.5bn net loss <3 love you
Twitter's like the kid at the party who's a little too loud, tells jokes everyone's heard but you know..brings the hot chicks.
I mean, sometimes I wear a low cut tank top and high cut shorts when I'm visiting the senior center. Isn't that charitable enough?
If you're asking me for advice I have to assume you're desperately out of options.
I wish I loved anything as much as 40 something year old women named Jennifer love posting their adult coloring book photos on facebook
You can unjustly steal my account & can unforgivably steal my momentum but u can NEVER steal my words or the voice behind them
I did my hair and makeup just to throw on yoga pants and watch tv. I can see why guys think we're confusing.
Was going to start dating again but then I realised what I really enjoy is gradually feeling worse about myself over dinner.
I like to surprise my boyfriend by showing up unexpectedly where he is… The store, his home, the bathroom stall next to his at his work
Him: Ummmm excuse me but those are MY Xanax!
Me: Ummmm excuse me but we're married so in the eyes of the Lord they're OUR Xanax.
Everyone always want to know "where's waldo?" but nobody ever takes the time to ask "who is Waldo?"
- Waldo breaking down in therapy
Want to feel old?
People born in 1990 have Twitter accounts.
AND ACTUALLY PUT THAT SHIT IN THEIR BIOS!
I got called to HR again for wearing a Fruit by the Foot as a headband and introducing myself as Rambo at a meeting
You need to realise that it's a choice, as opposed to an obligation, before you can choose wisely.
You have to nurture those seeds of happy. Protect them from harsher elements until they take root. Then just regularly feed and water. Or :(
Interviewer: why should we hire you?
Me: because the sign out front said you all are hiring
bf: u need to update your relationship status.
*sigh* ok babe
bf: thank y...
*clicks "it's complicated"
aww, our first fight lol
Having your contact lenses dry up during an intense mobile game is our generation's version of a WW2 pilot losing an engine.
I swear my French got exponentially better after I had to argue very forcefully in it last week. Like long term memory needs anger to spark.
You'd need an elevator to get up to my level of crazy.
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