I don't like pretending to be happy, so I'm never getting married.

It's super weird being in a relationship with someone who doesn't treat me like shit.

My sugar daddy NEVER has any candy. :(

I hate life.

Him: I love you
Me: I love Ryan Gosling

Next year everything is going to be so different! - Idiots

Glitter is like a Bat Signal but for whores.

A woman's heart is just as dumb as a guy's dick.

Wrote him a note asking him why he thought I was crazy. On his arm. With a knife.

I want to be buried in a burrito.

If you're sad, remember: It can always get worse. And worse. And worse. And worse. And apocalyptically bad... Then, you die. Hooray death.

Don't flirt with me unless you want me to spend the next nine to thirteen months stalking you.

Women should start being coaches on sports teams to show men how to win every game by really cool mind games and crying and boobs.

Him: I love you.
Me: Awww, words and stuff.

There is no legal way to win an argument with a woman.

If you're not in the business of humiliating men then we're not in the same.. oh this isn't a dominatrix club sorry about the nipple clamps?

Water is really just lazy ice cubes.

Women should just start using the Miranda warning instead of vows at weddings.

Not all whores have diseases. Some are dead already.

Smoking a cigarette before I work out because I can't see my lungs in a mirror.