I'm insulted that you think I can be offended!

#deletemynumberif you take pics of yourself in the bathroom mirror!

I guess I'm offending people with my RT's. If they make me laugh or think I retweet. Sorry for being myself.

You know you're in America when the grocery store cashier has no idea what the names are of the fruits and vegetables you are trying to buy.

This public pool is my Nam.

In my 33yrs. experience on this earth, it doesn't matter where you are or what you do, there will be an a-hole there to ruin your night.

My dog pretending I ran him over in the driveway. http://t.co/qJTcaHi

LCD soundsystem plugged into #pandora = perfect way to start your Sunday.

Backsplash to the face from the toilet bowl brush bristles. That.

I still have no idea who Rebecca Black is.

"If you talk to God, you are praying. If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia." //Thomas S. Szasz

The lady next to me at the YMCA pool has perfectly manicured toes and black teeth. #priorities

"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that." -Mitch Hedberg

I discovered stand-up comedy on #pandora. I may never be heard from again.

3 Men and a Shaq #shaqmovies

United States Air Force ribbons replica by Jessica Kestler #military http://t.co/0vplrNw

Normal People Scare Me Necklace by CorsoStudio http://t.co/1N92CBK via @etsy

Post-rapture billboard http://t.co/hli4lPE

I Have Issues Necklace by CorsoStudio http://t.co/liyKlYW via @etsy

"Trust me, i know what im doing". http://t.co/eRJNRSE