If Ouija boards are real my grama just called me a fag.

My relationship status is can I sleep on your couch?

For the brazilianth time, shave that muff.

If Lil Wayne and Lil Jon got together they could probably form one regular sized rapper.

LAL = laughing a little

A dirty blow job from a coworker in the staff bathroom is the new 2.5 kids and a white picket fence.

My fear of escalators has stopped me from reaching the next level.

Ryan Gosling needs to forget about me and move on.

Fuck, just accidentally sexted my mom.

I built a gingerbread house this holidays so I'm adding architect to my resume.

That awkward moment when you are forced to acknowledge another humans existence.

A joint account is not really as cool as it sounds.

Just recently turned 36 in December or 65 in girl years.

The "escape" button is a disappointment.

No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a sword.

Siri, do you like me more than a friend?

Raise your hand if you believe in monogamy, now slap yourself in the face.

Starting a new dating website called fat fucks down to fuck.

Be mein. -Hitler

Blew my tranny driving to work today. My car is fine.