In case no one my age was feeling withered and old this morning, just thought I'd let you know Jonathan Taylor Thomas turned 30 today.

When talking about food, never say 'I like ___ , but ___ doesn't like me'. It just makes people picture you violently shitting.

My favorite part of visiting grandparents is the liberal and casual use of words like queers, negros and chinks.

Going out with a friend's new GF tonight. It's only right that I get drunk & vomit all over her to assert my dominance as alpha female.

God help me, but I just really love alcohol a whole lot.

If you refer to coffee as 'java' you're probably just awful.

If I've learned anything from #FindingBigfoot it's that absolutely everything you see & hear in the bush is, in fact, a bigfoot.

Those mini bar bottles of Scope are great for when you need that little 3 pm pick me up but also require customer-ready breath.

I don't care how annoying your grandparents are, be nice to them. Some of us would kill to be annoyed by ours.

I'm tired. And my hair hurts.

Had three babies this morning, like a boss.

2000th Tweet!!!!! Wow, I really wasted that, didn't I?

That's enough, Christmas.

If you invest in real cranberry juice you can mix it with an ungodly amount of vodka. #TheMoreYouKnow

Does anyone know who makes that eau de dentist office cologne that middle aged gentlemen seem to fancy?

"You smell like the inside of mama's purse." #CreepyCompliments

How do you get a job as the model on the abortion helpline billboards? Does experience count? #MyPolishTweet

Pick your Ugg cloven hooves up when you walk, you fat lazy sow. #Walmart

Enough with the 'first world problems' bullshit every time someone complains about something. That's. Where. We. Live.

The only people who call me 'Jessica' are ones who don't know me, don't like me, or my in laws. Oh.