Justin Bieber is dead! (Don't check any of your sources. Just roll with it and be chipper for the rest of the day.)

There was a time in my life when I used to look back on times of my life.

They're only called house flies 'cause you fucking let them in.

When you're stoning someone, you throw rocks at them. When you're kidding someone, do you throw kids at them? Let's just make it that way.

My tweets only hit 50 or 100 stars when they get stolen.

Sorry if I got you excited by RTing you. Maybe one day it'll mean something.

Fat Kids On Crutches: Funnier than both fat kids, and kids on crutches.

I probably listen to a lot different music than you. But maybe not you. Or you. But you and you and you.

I'w upside domn dyslexic.

200 people in this world have decided to follow me. That is so fucking pathetic. For me I mean. Good job on your part though, guys. :)

Too bad eating ice cream on the couch doesn't help with your sitting on the couch and eating ice cream problem.

This dyslexic girl I know just texted me that her FB went down on her. Did she mean her BF or her Twitter? :S

Is that the smell of summer? Or someone masturbating with Aloe?

My ex said she used to like me, but then I changed. Yeah! It's called dissociative identity disorder, you bitch. I miss you. Fucking slut.

That load right there could've been my son. The one who cures cancer and plays in all those professional leagues.

Sorry if I turn any lesbians straight tonight. I'm lookin' super fine.

Penis penis penis penis penis penis penis Adele penis penis penis penis penis.

There's a tiny blue bird flying around my house eating all the time pieces and batteries I own.

I watched my ex's sister eat an icecreamcone, then that night while my ex gave me head, all I could think of was this tweet and breaking up.

Did not know the guy. Sorry that my cheeks are dry, everyone.