BREAKING: Number of Women Who Support Republicans Dropping Rapidly; Number of Republicans Who Support Women Still Zero

Rush Limbaugh is 61; his wife is 35. He's been married 4 times. He uses Viagra and takes "sex tourist" trips. Who's the slut?

Rev. Franklin Graham needs proof that Obama was born in the US, but he doesn't need proof that Jesus was born. To a virgin.

BREAKING NEWS FROM HEAVEN: In Response to George Zimmerman Arrest, God Puts on a Hoodie, Shares Skittles with Trayvon Martin

David Koch says he donates more to cancer research than to political causes. Which is only fair, since his industries contribute to cancer.

BREAKING NEWS FROM HEAVEN: Kevorkian Offers to Euthanize God, Put Him out of Humans' Misery.

*sigh* My hubby says if one more person finds his image on toast, he's changing his name to Jesus Crust.

Q: Are the terms Rapture, Apocalypse, Armageddon, and Second Coming interchangeable? A: Yes--with Bullshit.

You know the romance is fading from your marriage when your husband starts using you as a human shield.

BREAKING: Millionaire Republican Senators Vote Against a Tax Increase on Millionaires, Hope Non-Millionaires Don't Notice

"Newt" used to be a noun and "Trump" was a verb. Now they're both synonyms for "rich white womanizing racist homophobe."

BREAKING NEWS FROM HELL: Osama bin Laden "Greeted" by 72 Horny, Angry Suicide Bombers.

Finally, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have names: Rick, Mitt, Newt, and Ron.

BREAKING: Cats Demand Equal Rights with Dogs and Ghosts, Want TV Series Called "Pussy Whisperer."

BREAKING: Tom Petty asks Michele Bachmann not to play "American Girl"; Green Day OK with her playing "American Idiot."

If God didn't want us to have oral sex, he wouldn't have made the words "vulva" and "uvula" so similar.

I'm so mad at Jesus. I can never get him to vacuum at home, but on Saturday he's going to suck 144,000 people into the sky.

No, Mitt, it wasn't a "dumb thing"; it was assault and battery. A hate crime. Which makes you a felon.

END NEEDLESS SUFFERING. SPAY OR NEUTER YOUR GOP PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE.

A record 46 million Americans are living in poverty. Cue the GOP applause.