Those 6 anger managment classes really worked. I only have 1 hole in my wall now.

God, I wish I was black. I would be so much cooler!

Danny Trejo & Seal played a game of Jumanji. The dice read, "There were woodpeckers on the way." Their faces explain the rest of the story.

Has anyone actually thrown a hot dog down a hallway?

Always a mom never a bride.

They used to be called "Jumpolines" till your mom jumped on one back in 1974.

When people say, "We're going balls out!" I take that literally. Now I'm totally underdressed :(

My son informs me red means stop. Green means race.

Ladies: Don't bitch at your man, give him incentives. Blowjobs are great incentives...

If Tracy Chapman and Macy Grey had a baby, I'm positive it would look like Ben Wallace.

Only boring people get bored.

Just saw a bum holding a need money sign get a $10. I might have just found my summer job, but my sign HAS to have glitter. Sign swaggin'.

My lovely baby bumps... Check it out! http://t.co/Jcjzj2Is

I wish this diarreah came from a night of awesome anal instead of it comming from a box of tacos layered with stress.

I'm pretty sure Ambien could be doubled as a date rape drug.

The last month of pregnancy can suck my ass! That is all.

Does anyone else have a kid with ADHD? Really need a support group right now

http://t.co/gda3LJOY

This is how you lay down the law http://t.co/F5OsQ6wE

Grab your hash pipes... http://t.co/o3uPSFEn