Just spent five minutes in the dark trying to cram my iPhone charger in the right spot on my phone and suddenly I understand men a lot more.

Sometimes I think these BMI calculators fail to account for the 30-50 lbs of AWESOME I carry on my person at all times.

@realdonaldtrump Because white bigots don't have total control anymore? OH I FEEL SO BAD FOR YOU.

Hubs went to the store to grab a few things, is reading me how much he saved on each item. I've never been more aroused by him.

Sudafed: helping sick people see unicorns since 1956.

There's nothing worse than not knowing which end to hold over the toilet.

Living amongst hipsters really encourages creativity. For example, tonight I wrote a song called "Nice asymmetrical haircut, you asshole".

Discussing Twilight, 1 friend said she didn't like it bc it taught girls to be weak. I said I didn't like it because it's fucking stupid.

Wow, you're a 20 something white guy with an ironic porn stache who rides a fixed gear bike and is a vegan? Way to break new ground there.

Watching HGTV, these people have a "panic room" in their house. I have one of those too. It's called the bathroom. Where the scale is.

@astrogirl426 Also? My clitoris is not Bin Laden. It can be found.

I'mma blow this popsicle stand. My bed is calling to me. And when bed calls? This bitch answers.

This fork I stole from my old office makes everything taste like Lean Cuisines. shattered dreams and tears.

1st thing I shouldn't have done: bought cookies. 2nd thing I shouldn'tve done: started eating them. 3rd thing I should do but wont? Stop.

So jazz hands and singing "Ohhhh yeah!" after a nice big burp is considered less than feminine? Guess I'll log that away.

No Heathen front-hug for you, 5 AM.

"And now, angry ticks fire out of my nipples!"

Ha. Just put the dog in his crate and the cats looked at him like "Dude, why do you let them do that to you all the time?"

@sarajbenincasa They keep asking "why does it take them so long to count the votes?" All the volunteers are OLD PEOPLE.

One does not simply truffle shuffle into Mordor.