New STD called "Feelings." Don't catch that shit.

My boyfriend said we can't hang out this weekend because he doesn't exist.

The awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced that other people actually think you are stupid.

I used to be a people person, until people ruined it.

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice- dead.

No one has skeletons in their closets anymore, everyone keeps them in their phones instead.

Laptop Speakers: too quiet for music, too loud for porn.

China has blocked Facebook. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I had for lunch.

Jesus Christ put your tits away. This is twitter, not your cousin's wedding.

What do I want to do to your body? I don't know. Identify it, I guess.

A guy made me breakfast in bed and I ate the entire thing before I asked him who the fuck he was.

If there was an award for laziness, someone would have to pick mine up for me.

You text him, he doesn't text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.

My ex's new girlfriend looks like she punched her way out of a grave after doing blow all night.

If fucking a guy 8 years younger than me in my kid's bounce house is wrong...

That's... That's pretty bad, actually. Shame on me.

It's Saturday, so I'm as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

The best 5 seconds of my life are when I wake up and have no idea that I'm human or have responsibilities.

Going to the gynecologist's and announcing "My Pussy Wagon broke down" did not illicit the roar of laughter I had expected.

No, Hallmark Store Employee, you can't help me. I'm just here to steal tweets out of your greeting cards.

When I see someone with <100 followers and 18k tweets, it makes me sad. And scared. And turned-on. And booze.