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  • JezebelTheGreat
      Jess @JezebelTheGreat

    When life hands me lemons, I SQUEEZE THEM INTO MY EX-HUSBAND'S LYING, CHEATING EYEBALLS.

    But I save one cause, you know, guacamole.

    • 432
    • FAVS
    FredPollackJihadPizzaCseashellsstrandellthenamesmikeGBigBBanterFeliciovsimapotato
    • 38
    • RETWEETS
    bbylunarurGayisShowingmandumpLOLGASMS__________anwar02prempiyushirtthings____________valthonis
  • JezebelTheGreat
      Jess @JezebelTheGreat

    I wonder how many times today The Situation looked down at the book he was reading and realized it was a potato.

    • 293
    • FAVS
    206skydiverbenewton75pitbullsareokTheSnideOneDannyF147PussyWhiskerbaconNmeggsjas508
    • 76
    • RETWEETS
    JoantheRizlizmaebrooksmwotus31TomBanks1________nicfit75trhbrts19LoveAllTheMynlyShock_Monster__
    matthewdolkartsenderblock23sbellelaurenHeyHosey
  • JezebelTheGreat
      Jess @JezebelTheGreat

    No sex, day 20:
    My mind is starting to wander into dark places, like "If I were a dude, I could have already fucked this doughnut."

    • 338
    • FAVS
    FredPollackJihadPizzaMajorDickDanger__thenamesmikeGBigBBanterimapotatoxXxCraigIeroxXxjeff_ratfamily____
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    conspiracyloverRneeErneNreeFSUSteve__TheLaughBankMrResaleFavstar500Favsfavstar1000favssylverrat
  • JezebelTheGreat
      Jess @JezebelTheGreat

    Just got home and took my bra and my pride out of my purse.

    • 295
    • FAVS
    DubVGJ____________FredPollackCseashellsBigBBanterimapotatoMauriceBlitzdeKenstructionThatGuyJasonn
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    WadetoBlackRockgypsy23Favstar500Favsfavstar1000favs
  • JezebelTheGreat
      Jess @JezebelTheGreat

    Tonight I'm making his safeword "Marry me!" because he can't say it. Hey, we'll never get married but at least I can keep choking him.

    • 274
    • FAVS
    FredPollackthenamesmikeGBigBBanterMauriceBlitzrobkroesedeKenstructionThatGuyJasonnmattiebatslayer
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    ThePithySmithyThe_MarkEChrisWParkerAndyCook_ArtistFavstar500FavsDavidofTorontomeladictionCookieClowry
  • JezebelTheGreat
      Jess @JezebelTheGreat

    Today's shaping up to be yesterday's slightly more attractive but still not quite fuckable sister.

    • 253
    • FAVS
    MacKoolioFredPollackSteelFontanaBigBBanterMauriceBlitzvagstarmattiebatslayerdannydogmouth
    • 15
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar250EnigmaticEvilsalsero69Xabyata__________CraigimusMaxDrinkComrademarcelweissFavstar500Favs
  • JezebelTheGreat
      Jess @JezebelTheGreat

    Today's to-don't list:
    -stop believing
    -worry, be happy
    -rain on my parade
    -ask, don't tell
    -cry for me, Argentina
    -tase me, bro

    • 219
    • FAVS
    GreeblehaustoddmarroneMauriceBlitzdoodwhatdesertnurse_mattiebatslayerdannydogmouthCeciHorse
    • 30
    • RETWEETS
    ryokimballhollywoodronPavlovsStepsonsoniktruthdemachkaTheJeffFilesFavstar500Favseigojinmusume
    DadNeedsADrink
  • JezebelTheGreat
      Jess @JezebelTheGreat

    I just said "Holy Spicoli!" and this kid was all "What the fuck's a spicoli?" and so I threw my beer at him because I DON'T HAVE MY WALKER.

    • 216
    • FAVS
    llvvzzlife_suckerMauriceBlitzrobkroeseawescardesertnurse_dannydogmouthCeciHorse
    • 27
    • RETWEETS
    gt733____________milenramitamisskimmmmmmFavstar500Favsteridrinksexbiscuitpoopkisscalifmom
  • JezebelTheGreat
      Jess @JezebelTheGreat

    It's Fat Tuesday AND Women's Day, so I'm showing my tits to anybody who looks and then punching them in the face because I'M UP HERE, DICK.

    • 111
    • FAVS
    hellcatinheelsBigBBanterdesertnurse_the_anastasiaartinshanatyFellbeeAliascatsac_money
    • 129
    • RETWEETS
    Kouklamichellefavstar1000favsMarilynLynchsugarmommy4applegurl77tba18hotttwriter9mominreallife
    marcmack
  • JezebelTheGreat
      Jess @JezebelTheGreat

    Personally, I find underwear pointless. Like blow-up dolls, trigonometry and leaving a note when I dent a car that's parked too close to me.

    • 235
    • FAVS
    GreeblehausMauriceBlitzdeKenstructionThatGuyJasonnmattiebatslayerdannydogmouthCeciHorseLinzLemon
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    acasanova26Favstar500Favsfavstar1000favsJajaSoyBrujita3fi3dl3r
  • JezebelTheGreat
      Jess @JezebelTheGreat

    Wearing pigtails at Kroger and checking cucumbers for firmness and I'm pretty sure the guy next to me just had sex in his khakis.

    • 231
    • FAVS
    faithpee__Lorrax710MauriceBlitzawescarmattiebatslayerdannydogmouthCeciHorseTheChrisAngel____
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    carpeJosephFavstar500FavsXabyata__________favstar1000favsDavieLegend
  • JezebelTheGreat
      Jess @JezebelTheGreat

    Me: Let me try your General Tso's.
    Dude: Okay, but it's not that great.
    Me: So it's only Tso-Tso?
    Dude: STOP DOING THAT.

    • 221
    • FAVS
    llvvzzMauriceBlitzdeKenstructiondesertnurse_mattiebatslayerCeciHorseDJMerraliciousHellbound_Kitty__
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    jrahomeenarginssmilum77Favstar500FavsIanFTLfavstar1000favsilljillischillMeMo07
  • JezebelTheGreat
      Jess @JezebelTheGreat

    I ordered the CliffsNotes version of Snooki's book and they sent me a bar menu, a printout of the urban dictionary and an STD pamphlet.

    • 140
    • FAVS
    Corey_RuddBitchface34toddmarronedesertnurse_bedheadblonde____TexInGaBrittAtLargeManginaMcCool
    • 88
    • RETWEETS
    J_OHHHHHMariusStefi247M_DesoSheeshotmeDamiNY24ManchakAttack____jonjscottlb1justin
    danagel
  • JezebelTheGreat
      Jess @JezebelTheGreat

    I'm about two energy drinks shy of throwing my lamps in the dishwasher and trying on a cake as a hat.

    • 202
    • FAVS
    llvvzzMacKoolioJihadPizzatoddmarroneMauriceBlitzdesertnurse_dannydogmouthCeciHorse
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    julygirl719JeffHouckBurgerMongerTPAchocolakaiatlantajaxmtrh______________amk195CoreyTamas
  • JezebelTheGreat
      Jess @JezebelTheGreat

    The first rule of Domestic Fight Club is GET YOUR FEET OFF THE TABLE AND GO FETCH YOUR OWN FUCKING BEER YOU FAT LAZY SON OF A BITCH

    • 205
    • FAVS
    BeccamoueMauriceBlitzdesertnurse_ThatGuyJasonnCeciHorsematthewdolkartGSouderCJRoberts_DMM____
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    KJCollard________LittleHarmonicasullivan1971breannamaurerThat_Boot________nycweboyDaswolven____WrathOfCam
  • JezebelTheGreat
      Jess @JezebelTheGreat

    "I love my husband."
    "But you're not married."
    "Oh, right. I meant yours."
    Bitches never laugh when I say that.

    • 207
    • FAVS
    toddmarroneMauriceBlitzdesertnurse_ThatGuyJasonndannydogmouthCeciHorseLinzLemonsammie1272
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    kaitechnolustFavstar500Favsfrak_youwullxzfavstar1000favsJajaSoyBrujitapavkahno1knowshername__
  • JezebelTheGreat
      Jess @JezebelTheGreat

    Oh, my poor, sunburned boobies.
    This must be what it feels like to get titty-fucked by Lucifer.

    • 206
    • FAVS
    llvvzzMauriceBlitzCeciHorseGSouderCJRoberts_DMM____Buck4it__________verticalspeed87CheVolay
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    cravenheart______crk365__________asmoisburntFavstar500FavsAlexKasebergQueenHopsfyfavstar1000favsTurboGrandma
  • JezebelTheGreat
      Jess @JezebelTheGreat

    Chicks who take "duckface" photos are the same chicks who name their kids "Piper" and then later get pushed off a boat by their husbands.

    • 191
    • FAVS
    MauriceBlitzdesertnurse_ThatGuyJasonndannydogmouthCeciHorseLinzLemonGSouderverticalspeed87
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    JustAmy13mrbillfuzballz__________Favstar500FavsjmerrimanCandii_HeartSuiz______________favstar1000favs
  • JezebelTheGreat
      Jess @JezebelTheGreat

    I always buy the oversized hot dogs, otherwise my mouth mistakes them for my ex-boyfriend and instinctively spits them out.

    • 195
    • FAVS
    MauriceBlitzdesertnurse_ThatGuyJasonndannydogmouthCeciHorseGSouderbedheadblonde____CJRoberts_DMM____
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    Absinthe_Fairie__LolitaPainFavstar500Favsallconsoffunfavstar1000favsroterpunktkleinkaeferchris2theBeat
    AngelaHelga
  • JezebelTheGreat
      Jess @JezebelTheGreat

    Hey guys, the bf & I are getting renter's insurance together today!
    That's just a hop, skip and a fake pregnancy away from getting married!

    • 199
    • FAVS
    JihadPizzaMauriceBlitzdesertnurse_ThatGuyJasonndannydogmouthCeciHorseLinzLemonGSouder
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500Favsfavstar1000favs
@JezebelTheGreat

@JezebelTheGreat

I married @GorillaSushi. I peddle toys and kick ass. Nachos.