When life hands me lemons, I SQUEEZE THEM INTO MY EX-HUSBAND'S LYING, CHEATING EYEBALLS.

But I save one cause, you know, guacamole.

I wonder how many times today The Situation looked down at the book he was reading and realized it was a potato.

No sex, day 20:
My mind is starting to wander into dark places, like "If I were a dude, I could have already fucked this doughnut."

Just got home and took my bra and my pride out of my purse.

Tonight I'm making his safeword "Marry me!" because he can't say it. Hey, we'll never get married but at least I can keep choking him.

Today's shaping up to be yesterday's slightly more attractive but still not quite fuckable sister.

Today's to-don't list:
-stop believing
-worry, be happy
-rain on my parade
-ask, don't tell
-cry for me, Argentina
-tase me, bro

I just said "Holy Spicoli!" and this kid was all "What the fuck's a spicoli?" and so I threw my beer at him because I DON'T HAVE MY WALKER.

Personally, I find underwear pointless. Like blow-up dolls, trigonometry and leaving a note when I dent a car that's parked too close to me.

Wearing pigtails at Kroger and checking cucumbers for firmness and I'm pretty sure the guy next to me just had sex in his khakis.

Me: Let me try your General Tso's.
Dude: Okay, but it's not that great.
Me: So it's only Tso-Tso?
Dude: STOP DOING THAT.

It's Fat Tuesday AND Women's Day, so I'm showing my tits to anybody who looks and then punching them in the face because I'M UP HERE, DICK.

I ordered the CliffsNotes version of Snooki's book and they sent me a bar menu, a printout of the urban dictionary and an STD pamphlet.

I'm about two energy drinks shy of throwing my lamps in the dishwasher and trying on a cake as a hat.

The first rule of Domestic Fight Club is GET YOUR FEET OFF THE TABLE AND GO FETCH YOUR OWN FUCKING BEER YOU FAT LAZY SON OF A BITCH

"I love my husband."
"But you're not married."
"Oh, right. I meant yours."
Bitches never laugh when I say that.

Oh, my poor, sunburned boobies.
This must be what it feels like to get titty-fucked by Lucifer.

Chicks who take "duckface" photos are the same chicks who name their kids "Piper" and then later get pushed off a boat by their husbands.

I always buy the oversized hot dogs, otherwise my mouth mistakes them for my ex-boyfriend and instinctively spits them out.

Hey guys, the bf & I are getting renter's insurance together today!
That's just a hop, skip and a fake pregnancy away from getting married!