Please oh please let shirtless Obama dramatically hold up Osama's head and then throw it down some steps like in Conan.

Just like how I was eating Doritos when the inventor of Doritos died, I read about Steve Jobs' death while eating my old Macbook Pro.

I can only gauge the quality of a friendship based on how difficult it is for me to shoot the person when they've turned into a zombie.

AMAZING NEWS FOR INVADER ZIM FANS: Just had my first ice cream Drumstick in years and it was AMAZING! Also, ZIM is still cancelled forever.

RT this if pumpkins.

Why spend top dollar for cheap looking, fake blood this year when you're practically a water balloon of perfectly convincing real blood?

So odd, to die and be the man who created so much of the hardware that people are reporting your death on. Fantastic stuff.

There's a difference between women not being funny and women just not laughing at anything you say and wishing you'd just shut up.

People who retweet this tweet should die alone, screaming and unloved in a cold, dark place. Please get the word out and retweet this!

Hug an annoyingly negative person today. They'll burst into flames and you'll never have to hear their tedious bullshit again!

Wished my niece a happy birthday and told her 12 was the age a girl makes her first human kill in order to become a man. "Okay," she said.

YO MAMA SO FAT she at a high risk for diabetes. No, seriously, I'm worried about her.

Had no interest in voting for Romney, but I gotta admit, his face's recent increase in brownness appeals to the tiny sombreros in my blood.

And I was all "But Jesus, there's only one set of footprints" and he was all "I have rockets for legs, asshole. Me-christ." The end.

I did that thing today where you mean to say one thing, but instead you drive your car through an Arby's.

HA-DOOK-INS: Diapers for hardcore gamers. SLOGAN- WHEN THE CALL OF DOODY JUST CAN'T WAIT. -waits for investors to call-

"Mario, I'm pregnant with your baby." "I'm a plumber, Princess. I've taken care of worse clogs than that." - Gritty New Mario Game

I'm sorry Zelda, but I don't ever want to rescue you ever again. I'm tired of your shit. Gonna just go fishing.

The announcement of a baby just sounds like "A NEW PLAYER HAS ENTERED THE ARENA".

I want to see a movie like The Omen, but instead it's a little girl and she's getting into anime and the parents have to kill her.