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I like you, but I also like burritos so I think you should just settle the fuck down.
Youtube is the only place where you'll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
"I'm going to fucking cut myself" are words that came out of my mouth after dropping a McNugget between the seats while driving.
I'm in the 10 items or less lane with 14 items because I didn't choose the thug life, the thug life chose me.
I can always tell how long I've been single by how weird my porn is getting.
Hipster Hitler only listens to Death Camp for Cutie
"Nice Jesus fish, you fuck" are words that just came out of my mouth while driving.
I'm calling in sick of people.
True Life: anytime I hold a loaf of french bread, in my head I'm pretending I stole it and I'm Aladdin.
I dream of a world where people can go to the gym without posting a Facebook status about it.
I'm not calling you fat... I'm just saying you probably swim with a t-shirt on.
Let's grab a bite and look at our phones for a few hours.
My life has been one long stubbed toe.
My favorite drinking game is called "don't make eye contact with anybody at the bar"
I think it's so cute when a girl is convinced that her best guy friend doesn't want to fuck her.
Fact: people with vinyl collections love to tell people all about how they have a vinyl collection.
Maybe I unfollow people that post song lyrics because they remind me of somebody that I used to know.
Nothing says "I'm a fucking train wreck" like a girl in a relationship with her best friend on Facebook.
"Let's get you out of those clothes" - Me unfoiling Chipotle
i'm just a dude that lives with cats and gets why that's funny.
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