Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I'm not saying you suck.
I'm tweeting it.
If u star but don't RT me, does that make me like the girl u fuck but don't introduce to friends?
To me a queef is like the complimentary burp at the end of a good meal...
Bf gave me my own credit card!
Wait til he sees the engagement ring he got me!
I don't really look at FB anymore because
Same goes for my kids.
My safeword is "I have three kids."
Can't we all just get a bong?
Interesting how calling him "Daddy" in bed is so sexy but "Dad" is just weird.
It seems to make the other moms uncomfortable when I say there's nothing to do in the suburbs but take pills and masturbate.
Sometimes I feel unclean after a shower and then I remember, there's no soap for self-loathing.
Sometimes I star my own tweets
since God helps those who help themselves...
Marriage in a nutshell:
Wives don't get out enough.
Husbands don't get in enough.
And kids get into everything.
On being asked if I swallow:
Me: Idk, can I keep the money either way?
Me: So lemme get this straight, at 5am your dick wakes you, and then you both wake me, right?
And another thing about jizz...
I LOVE that nifty container it comes in!
I've been blessed with a handful of people who will let me respond to anything they say with,
"Well, yeah, that's 'cause you're a freak,"
Sometimes when I tweet something that I think is so clever or funny and it gets no stars I think "Really? You people musta missed this one."
If you're unhappy with your marriage, it's good to make sure your spouse is too.
Often, the only answer to a question is:
"You're an idiot."
Knocking on anyone's door before entering is simply a notice for them to stop masturbating.
Just tryin' to have some fun... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=676fNj3RFJk