I'm not saying you suck.
I'm tweeting it.

If u star but don't RT me, does that make me like the girl u fuck but don't introduce to friends?

To me a queef is like the complimentary burp at the end of a good meal...

Bf gave me my own credit card!
Wait til he sees the engagement ring he got me!

I don't really look at FB anymore because

Twitter.

Same goes for my kids.

My safeword is "I have three kids."

Can't we all just get a bong?

Interesting how calling him "Daddy" in bed is so sexy but "Dad" is just weird.

It seems to make the other moms uncomfortable when I say there's nothing to do in the suburbs but take pills and masturbate.

Sometimes I feel unclean after a shower and then I remember, there's no soap for self-loathing.

Sometimes I star my own tweets
since God helps those who help themselves...

Marriage in a nutshell:

Wives don't get out enough.

Husbands don't get in enough.

And kids get into everything.

On being asked if I swallow:

Me: Idk, can I keep the money either way?

Me: So lemme get this straight, at 5am your dick wakes you, and then you both wake me, right?
Bf: Yes.

And another thing about jizz...

I LOVE that nifty container it comes in!

Great packaging!

I've been blessed with a handful of people who will let me respond to anything they say with,
"Well, yeah, that's 'cause you're a freak,"

Sometimes when I tweet something that I think is so clever or funny and it gets no stars I think "Really? You people musta missed this one."

If you're unhappy with your marriage, it's good to make sure your spouse is too.

Often, the only answer to a question is:

"You're an idiot."

Knocking on anyone's door before entering is simply a notice for them to stop masturbating.