I figure that “Honey Boo-Boo” show puts us about six months away from just laughing at homeless people on television.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

“I can’t wait to see that Smurf movie” - Nobody

I don’t care how bad Justin Bieber is on SNL. He’s still way more successful than any of us were when we were her age.

Got up at 6am. Did yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

I bet you vegetarians don't even feel guilty eating baby carrots. Barbarians.

I hope Ryan Gosling recognizes that without guys like me as a comparison he wouldn’t even be considered good looking. You’re welcome.

I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.

Anyone heard that "Call Me Maybe" song? When are they going start playing that on the radio?

Dear China,
You may have won way more medals than us and we may owe you tons of money but we still have way better cookies.

You know what’s easier than applying sunscreen? Not going outside.

When someone doesn’t like the flavor of peanut butter I question their loyalty to the United States.

Oh no! I’m missing the movie awards show on the music television channel that only has reality shows.

I think it would be great if Benedict pulled a Favre and came back for one Advent season. Or became the leader of the Episcopalians.

First Lance gets stripped then Neil dies. I hope nothing happens to stretch.

You guys make twitter worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.

"I want to drink a lot of vodka but I also want to look pretentious." - Inventor of the Martini.

If your movie is called Final Destination 5, it’s probably not the final destination.

Almond Butter: For people that like peanut butter but don't want to be happy.

Dear Destiny's Child,

I think we are finally ready for "this jelly."