100% recycled toilet paper? No thanks.

If I were a proctologist, I'd walk into the examining room with fake hook-hands, just to see the patients' expressions.

I wonder if Tiki Barber gets a lot of calls from islanders looking for haircuts.

Texting while driving and accidentally ran over four people in a Wal-Mart parking lot. Cops let me off with a warning.

If I were getting a divorce, I'd jump off a building.... onto a slightly shorter building filled with cocaine and hookers.

If I could save time in a bottle, I'd probably drink it by accident and suddenly get super old.

If I worked in Mexico, I would say "Not my yob, mang" even more.

If I were French, I would wake up with a bonieur.

"Fuck, Babe! Watch the foot!" - Paul Bunion

I bet Flavor Flav tastes awful.

I wonder if my wife would think any less of me if I asked her to bring my dinner to the bathroom.

I've been cramming for my rectal exam.

It's especially dangerous to run with scissors when someone nearby is running with rock.

McDonald's cashier just asked if I want to fellate a fish. She's cute, but that come-on was a little too weird, even for me.

I avoid pandemics like the Plague.

I've been home alone for 41 minutes and I'm officially shitfaced.

"I can't help you until you help yourself." - assholes who don't want to help me

Holy crap is that girl in your avi hot, dude.

I love ladyfingers. On my wang. Sorry for making it racial.

Well done, people who spell loser "looser". You'll go far.