I had to set up this new account because too many people were hacking into my old one and sending pictures of me in my boxers.

I named my dick 'Lynch', cause I'm hung like a black man.

Women aren't that hard to please. They just need a few simple things: food, water, shelter, clothing, and a detachable shower head.

I've never been in a Maserati. Closest I've come is all over the doorhandle.

Ever shove a toy soldier up your ass? It's called a Lower GI Joe.

Panicking: Freaking out about something. Panicing: A skillet covered in a thick layer of frosting.

Grease the shift lever: free. Change the oil and filter: $40. Having a car that stops when you tell it: pricele--- $1100.

I once slept with a woman who apologized during sex. 'Sorry I'm quiet', she said, 'I'm just taking it all in'.

Sometimes when I'm driving I get tired so I pull off. Afterwards, I stop and take a break.

Another reason why English is confusing as all hell: the words uncanny and canny are not opposites.

I went to a salon called 'Total Hair Care' today. The lady looked at me like I had 3 heads instead of 2 when I dropped my trousers.

Just because it's a common mistake doesn't mean you don't look like an idiot when you make it.

I want to get in line with a big-breasted woman buying a spice rack, and say, 'Hey baby, nice tits!'

Boston Pizza: Come for the food, not on the waitresses.

Football teams call me in when they want to sever ties with one of their players. That's right, I'm a contract killer.

The 25% of British men that are too fat to see their genitals really put the scrotum in tum.

The thing I like most about lepers is you can shake their hands without having to get close to them.

I never sit in front of Twitter and think up a good tweet. Doesn't stop me from sitting and staring at an empty text box though.

The great thing about the net is celebs can pretend to be non-celebs to give themselves a sense of normalcy. That, and all the camel toe.

The chef looked pretty happy when I asked for my Smurf steak blue rare.