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Wish I could be a productive, helpful and friendly member of the team. Unfortunately, there is no I in team.
But isn't the glass half full AND half empty?
Having trouble receiving oral pleasures? Why not garnish your penis with fresh herbs to make it more appealing to potential suitors.
I often pretend that I'm telepathic and have heated arguments with people on the street using the power of my mind.
A Curly Wurly is very curly, but how wurly is it? More importantly where did my life all go wrong?
How does my body work? Yesterday looked skinny as an otter. Today, barely eaten a thing and I look like the Michelin man.
I've just unfollowed your Mum.
If God is a man he would never have invented women. At the very least he would've provide an owners manual to go with them.
Tweet me once, shame on you. Tweet me twice, shame on me!
Because so many people say literally in any and all circumstances it has lost all strength in emphasising the reality of a statement.
Is literally, literally the most overused word in the English dictionary? Let's literally discuss it.
Ah Monday, my mortal enemy, we meet again. I thought I had vanquished you forever last week.
Your mum is so fat she's probably got a high cholesterol and may suffer long term health problems in later life.
Parenting is tough. So badly sleep and sex deprived, I could literally drop asleep or ejaculate at the drop of a hat!
"I would run like a super mutant if you needed rescuing"
"Really, which one?"
I can't Adam and Eve it's Adam and Eve!
The cockney bible
Game show idea:
Adopted kids in line up. Parents who gave them away guess who is their offspring.
Called "that's the kid I didn't want"
The guy next to me has a massive head and a real BO problem. Sorry, wait its a hippo, I forgot I'm at the zoo.
Married, one young daughter. Love football (SWFC), cricket, video games and films. I follow back and I love to retweet funny stuff for my followers.
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