Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
When I die, I want My body to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
My G.F. has a pair of 'meatloaf' panties.
On the front, it says 'I would do anything for love'
On the back it says 'but I wont do that.'
I fucking hate double standards...
If a girl sleeps with a load of different men, she's a slut. But when a guy does it he's a homosexual?
You can tell a lot about a person by their car....
For example, if it's in a ditch, it's a woman.
It's all about perspective.
The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
Hooters should do a home delivery service....
Call it Knockers.
If you look back at Bin Ladens life backwards it's about a sea zombie who builds skyscrapers out of airplanes
I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met any of Andy's Moms toys...
Especially since they probably had the same names.
I like to go into the wal-mart fitting room, wait 5 minutes and then yell...
"Who stole the fucking toilet paper"?
I'm gonna open a gym called Resolutions.
It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of the yr, then it's a bar for the remaining 50.
I failed my audition as Romeo over a misunderstanding on stage direction.
My copy of the script clearly said 'Enter Juliet from the rear.'
Why do women fake orgasms? I wish they'd just be honest.
I've only faked an orgasm once, when I was being mugged.
That scared him off.
Girl: What color are my eyes?
I have to exaggerate or I'll die
I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Men think about sex every seven seconds.
Which is why I eat hot dogs in under six seconds...
so it doesn't get weird.
Parallel lines have got so much in common.
It's a shame they'll never meet.
CNN News: Angered by steroid accusations, Lance Armstrong throws car at reporters.
You'll never catch me making fun of Mexicans.......
No way, José.
The biggest difference between men and women?
What they mean, when they say: "I went through a whole box of tissues watching that film."
I'm a VERY romantic person, so i type all my tweets with my penis,...I mostly tweet on the bus...http://t.co/jSTgXjvP