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When I die, I want My body to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
My G.F. has a pair of 'meatloaf' panties.
On the front, it says 'I would do anything for love'
On the back it says 'but I wont do that.'
I fucking hate double standards...
If a girl sleeps with a load of different men, she's a slut. But when a guy does it he's a homosexual?
You can tell a lot about a person by their car....
For example, if it's in a ditch, it's a woman.
It's all about perspective.
The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
If you look back at Bin Ladens life backwards it's about a sea zombie who builds skyscrapers out of airplanes
I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met any of Andy's Moms toys...
Especially since they probably had the same names.
I like to go into the wal-mart fitting room, wait 5 minutes and then yell...
"Who stole the fucking toilet paper"?
I'm gonna open a gym called Resolutions.
It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of the yr, then it's a bar for the remaining 50.
I failed my audition as Romeo over a misunderstanding on stage direction.
My copy of the script clearly said 'Enter Juliet from the rear.'
Why do women fake orgasms? I wish they'd just be honest.
I've only faked an orgasm once, when I was being mugged.
That scared him off.
I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Men think about sex every seven seconds.
Which is why I eat hot dogs in under six seconds...
so it doesn't get weird.
Parallel lines have got so much in common.
It's a shame they'll never meet.
CNN News: Angered by steroid accusations, Lance Armstrong throws car at reporters.
The biggest difference between men and women?
What they mean, when they say: "I went through a whole box of tissues watching that film."
I'm a VERY romantic person, so i type all my tweets with my penis,...I mostly tweet on the bus...http://t.co/jSTgXjvP
