Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Bought 5 Chick-fil-a sandwiches. Joke’s on them tho, I’m just gonna mash ‘em into a dick shape and put it in my butt a whole bunch.
Yeah I pee sitting down - I shit standing up to compensate.
I got it at Ross: the public-child beating coliseum. You know what else is on discount at Ross? Manners.
Slashing educational funding is always going to be a part of the republican agenda because it'll create more republicans.
Twitter might be Earth's suicide note.
Vibrators are like colleges - if you see a commercial for one on TV, it's probably pretty shitty.
Things to spice up the derby:
2. A counter on the screen that counts how many times the n-word is muttered into a mint julep
I don't know why people use those changing stations in bathrooms. Just dunk the baby a few times in the toilet and blow-dry it.
Surprisingly few people sell the garage even though they’re blatantly advertising that they are.
RULE: if gay people can't get married, straight people can't get divorced.
I leave shotgun shells in drawers and cabinets in the house so my roommates never forget who they're dealing with.
I like thunderstorms because I know somewhere close a murder mystery is happening.
A McDonald's inside a Wal-Mart is like your tumor having cancer
Penn State is pushing for the "Don't tell, Don't tell" policy.
Nothing good ever happens after you say 'fuck it'. Ever.
Well I'm sick again, and I'm going to the Apple store to touch everything.
How bout this for campaign finance reform - loser picks up the tab.
I had such bad diarrhea I had to wipe my whole ass instead of my ass hole.