I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

You'd better czechoslovakia before you wreckyoslovakia.

I replaced my family pictures with pics of Kanye West and my Dad still hasn’t noticed: pic.twitter.com/c0aLcXeV

I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri Sun on the first try.

I almost got raped in jail...My family takes Monopoly way to serious.

It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

I'm not suggesting Cher is a nazi, but at no point during "If I Could Turn Back Time" does she mention killing Hitler.

When someone with a lisp says "bithneth", you know they mean business.

I just heard a woodpecker call me a "paranoid weirdo" in morse code.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

My therapist thinks I have a God complex. How dare he say that unto me.

I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti, and a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

A haiku about getting out of bed:
No no no no no,
No no no no no no no,
No no no no no.

If Obama was really Kenyan he would have already won the race by now.

Can we talk about the word "queue"...How many of those letters are really necessary? I count one.

"One man’s trash is another man’s treasure" - great motivator, horrible way to tell your kid they’re adopted

Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.

Grandfather confused the term "butt dial" with "booty call". I almost fainted when he said "I booty called your sister last night."...

I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it 'cuz it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.

Got a girls number off of Justin Bieber's Instagram and sent her a text. I can't stop laughing. pic.twitter.com/5yyVsypgNy