When I say I'm as sober as a judge I mean Paula Abdul.

Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

If everything happens for a reason explain scrapbooking.

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I'm jealous.

I'll decide when it's time to go fuck myself!

I would organize my thoughts but I'm afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

It's not about who follows and who's followed. It's about fellowship. And, sexual innuendo.

Why can't we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?

I know you've been starring other people.

Today's workout. 1 hour treadmill. 2 hours wrestling my demons.

Just because you have boobs doesn't mean you're better than I am. Unless you're a woman.

It's important to believe in something so I've chosen UFOs.

My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.

Twitter has turned my big screen TV into a radio.

My good tweets are in my other pants.

If you love something set it a trap.

I just write them I don't explain them.

Don't make me say something I won't regret.

If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son's dating a scientologist

Yes I followed you but it was a drunk follow.