Evolution is just a theory, kind of like gravity.

Relaxin before work & saw a guy trip & fall coming out of a McDonalds. Lost his coffee, his food, & dignity. Walk it off homie, it's Friday

Never go to bed angry. It's better to stay awake and plot your revenge.

If you were a dinosaur you'd be a douchebagasaurus.

If you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Bitch-A-Whoreous

Just what message are you trying to send guys? http://t.co/8f6L1ZpS

A day without sunshine is kind of like...you know, night.

I can't wait to see the commercials when marijuana's legalized.

Just shoved a stick up a mimes ass to see if they can actually make noises. They're Loud as fuck, don't let'em fool you.

This is your butthole • This is your butthole in prison O

Don't go to prison

When the zombie apocalypse happens, I'm sticking with my son. He's hella good at killing those fuckers. At least on the #Xbox

Like it or not, I'm seriously under followed.

"Never to late for a kind gesture, hey Charles." - @alecbaldwin in "The Edge" #TrueClassic

You lost me at "I'm a dodgers fan."

Hey people who don't like us Americans. FUCK YOU!! Our soldier/citizens paid for your freedoms with their lives. SHOW SOME FUCKIN RESPECT!!

I lol'd pic.twitter.com/Ik5agGgy

The way I was raised http://t.co/UfX4AZzR

You ARE the ruler of DoucheBagastan. Carry on.

If you were gas in my butt, I would never fart for fear if losing you. Because you're the shit.👍

This cock isn't going to suck itself!!




What I say in my head to my wife, everyday.