If your job is to hurl yourself in front of bullets meant for the President, bang all the hookers you want.

I place house guests in one of two categories. "Hide the bong" and "Clean the bong."

Twitter needs a "Super Villain" option that changes labels like "followers" to "henchmen."

Sometimes you have to pay attention in school to get jokes later in life.

Gotta love fat guys who do nothing but talk about sports. It's like guys on the intetnet who do nothing but talk about sex.

If you interject "know what I'm sayin'?" more than once into a sentence, then no. Probably not.

Twitter is far more entaining than the shampoo bottles I used to read on the shitter.

I love ghetto hashtags that help stupid people look stupid.

You're goddamn right I want a glow-in-the-dark toilet!

"HOLY SHIT IT'S A TISSUE! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" - the overwhelming majority of my sperm.

You know who hates Fake Holiday more than single people? Restaurant employees.

It's kind of sad when you see fat girls with tiny little boobs.

I bet Satan invented doggy-style. God never said "Yeah, procreate, but flip her over and slap her ass while you're at it."

Point: Devil.

This Thanksgiving should be fucking papayas. P.A.P.A.Y.A.S.

I may be doing it wrong, but I'm having fun. Fuck it, and fuck you. Twat-pickling star mongers.

Contact your local Red Cross, learn infant CPR. Please. Nobody wants to feel what my family is feeling. PLEASE RT.

Middle aged man in a full-length fur coat at the grocery store! Middle aged man in a full-length fur coat at the grocery store!

Cat food should be called "shut the fuck up in a can."

Her: "A Valtrex prescription? But I don't have herpes..." Me: "Are you suuuuure? *grin*" #UltTotD

If zombies start showing up, it's okay to smoke in bars again, right?