sometimes i'm around someone who's a genuinely bad person (not like murdery bad, just "wtf is wrong with you" bad) and i feel like a saint.

All we can hope is the professor takes us on that rollercoaster to his office again tonight, because we want our knitted black cardigan back

Be kind to those who have unflattering pictures of you.

is sadness attractive to you and if so call me

When having an awkward first conversation with a hot chick & a little bit of spittle hits her- I spit to make it seem like it was on purpose

I don't really watch this True Blood show, but I wish Blade was here.

Wish these kids would go to sleep so I can enjoy my fathers' day drugs in peace.

To all you people that work weekends and put up with everyone’s shit…I salute you.

a shootout to my dad

Guy: "Staring at my girl's rack, bro??"

Me: "No bro, I saw a new Ed Hardy shirt behind her!"

Guy: "Where??"

*stares at girl's rack again*

An English teacher said I’d never amount to anything.

SEE ME NOW COCKSUCKER!!

Thanks slime crew.

"I'm both Mom and Dad! So suck it! I don't need no man!"

I see why you are a single parent. Truth is, you are a PARENT. Dipshit

Stop wishing single moms a Happy Father's Day you sentimental shits. They get double the sympathy and attention on Mother's Day.

Bought a roll of bubble wrap for Dad. Happy Father's Day, pop.

"Roads? Where we're going, we don't need any roads." Shaq whispers in my ear before pushing me off a cliff in a shopping cart.

I'm so badass I'll get involved in a land war in Asia AND go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.

I get a free frozen yogurt cup tomorrow!!! But only if I find a family to borrow to go in with me. :(

Ewok opera.

Is ping pong a racist term making fun of the ethnic group that tends to be best at it?

Well unless you're a doctor, I'll decide if spending Friday night crying and dancing to the Twin Peaks theme "isn't healthy."