Caved and put up a boob avatar, deleted facebook, opened a favstar, and got a RX for Vicodin. We are family now right? Oh, and vagina fart.

Just used my vibrator and a blow dryer as a curling iron, your move MacGyver.

Totally kidding about deleting facebook. That's where I still pretend to be in college so my dad thinks his $ goes to something other weed.

If I can stand up right after we have sex..

You didn't do it right.

So apparently, when the porn store guy said 'let me know how it works for you,' he didn't mean call him at home mid-orgasm. Awkward.

Would rather gang blow the whole cast of Deadliest Catch right off the boat after living with fish and no TP for 4mths than be at work today

If you think you aren't addicted to Twitter, delete it and then try to take a shit.

Watching this guy at work lick the inside of a donut hole.

If that's not man code for sit on my face, one of u fuckers better tell me now.

FYI: strange creepy bar guy, "ride my dick like a ghetto kid rides the school bus" is not a pick up line that will work on me



twice.

Dad: Do you have a twitter acct?
Me: no, twitter is a scam and will cause viruses.
Dad: oh, I'll delete it.



Thank you Jesus.

Thanks for the DM about a typo 2 tweets ago. This is Twitter, not Facebook. I will cut u and these people will make jokes while u bleed, k?

This guy beside me at the pool is smoking hot, but he's listening to Nickleback so I know he has a ridiculously small cock and bad credit.

Wondering if zombie strippers with crotch rot have laid in the exact same tanning bed you are in, is not a healthy way to tan, probably.

Facebook status: Happy Cinco De Mayo!

Twitter status: Your cock pics better be wearing sombreros today motherfuckers.

You guys have renewed my faith in the idea that there is indeed a market for pussy flavored chapstick.

Those FB fucks had me gut checking.

If your balls are so saggy they slap the back of my knees during anal...





I don't really care.

My dad stumbled across my twitter. I'm not sure what he means by retroactive abortion, or why he is screaming it at his crotch. Weird.

Third knuckle deep or don't bother.




Yeah, the guy packing my groceries thought it was pretty random too.

So when a guy asks you if your gonna "whore up" for a concert, does he mean wear a short skirt or bring a girlfriend? Both?

The rapture was just like my last orgasm..





Fake.