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  • JoanOfSnark13
      Nicole @JoanOfSnark13

    I think when you lie badly to someone, it's like saying "I don't even like you enough to make up an awesome entertaining story".

    • 76
    • FAVS
    xunglamSpotswojIdStandOnThatAngryBieberRelicOboogiegeneperkinsMaruBeanAlexRomeroINFO
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    SteelFontanafavstar50CaptainJaseashliilhsaCapricaVnukethemaly
  • JoanOfSnark13
      Nicole @JoanOfSnark13

    Finding out that Canadians rioted yesterday is like learning that your grandma is turning tricks in her nursing home.

    • 42
    • FAVS
    xunglamSpotswojIdStandOnThatRelicOboogiegeneperkinsMaruBeane_Rodriguez_JessterPrynne
    • 19
    • RETWEETS
    ProbablyJKngodboutLettOVETerreChartrandkhrystenaofficeslave6HoneyBaaBaaAlisonMScott
  • JoanOfSnark13
      Nicole @JoanOfSnark13

    I cannot imagine why there is a new ice cream bar out called a Magnum. Is that solace for those who'll never see the other kind of Magnum?

    • 43
    • FAVS
    MoxiePink21SpotswojIdStandOnThate_Rodriguez_JessterPrynneJason_maybeJGoldburnWyLdAnIcA
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    snarkanoid
  • JoanOfSnark13
      Nicole @JoanOfSnark13

    nothing like a sweet no fear sticker on your camaro to let me know you were the coolest kid in the class of 94.

    • 38
    • FAVS
    MoxiePink21SpotswojIdStandOnThatMaruBeanAlexRomeroINFOe_Rodriguez_JessterPrynneClassicMegan
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    str8jacket6BRealest
  • JoanOfSnark13
      Nicole @JoanOfSnark13

    Dear red wine: Get in me. Now. Don't worry about why it's a bad idea & I'll regret it tomorrow. And for God's sake, please don't be gentle.

    • 29
    • FAVS
    SpotswojIdStandOnThate_Rodriguez_JessterPrynneWyLdAnIcAHannahAnticsmikeym00nMr_Mordecai__
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    warrenpelsersamlouthomasinsertcutename1YourAbreactionSharonVonGinger
    SharonVonGinger
  • JoanOfSnark13
      Nicole @JoanOfSnark13

    The dogs make me understand how annoying it must be to be a celebrity. I can't even go to the bathroom w/out someone wanting to be with me.

    • 31
    • FAVS
    MoxiePink21SpotswojIdStandOnThatMaruBeane_Rodriguez_JessterPrynneClassicMeganWyLdAnIcA
  • JoanOfSnark13
      Nicole @JoanOfSnark13

    In 8 hours my 26 year old friend will undergo brain surgery. He needs the positive thoughts. Please RT. #supportphil #fuckcancer

    • 1
    • FAV
    That_Boot
    • 29
    • RETWEETS
    TellesWayLO_raineJohnJH09aclevergirlBiPolarKoalaBacardiWrestlersteveculttamsynoconnor
  • JoanOfSnark13
      Nicole @JoanOfSnark13

    If I hit 700 followers today, I will NOT show you pics of my boobs. Trust me--you're better off. I have nine kids and I'm 57.

    • 25
    • FAVS
    SpotswojIdStandOnThate_Rodriguez_JessterPrynneWyLdAnIcATequilaTearssilent_musingsBorscht_Belt
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    lurkeySteelFontana
  • JoanOfSnark13
      Nicole @JoanOfSnark13

    Twitter needs more funny chicks without boob avatars.

    • 22
    • FAVS
    SpotswojIdStandOnThatMaruBeanAlexRomeroINFOe_Rodriguez_JessterPrynneHannahAnticsMr_Mordecai__
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_popanonemanonBaked_CupcakeMissXohADIOS_goodbye
  • JoanOfSnark13
      Nicole @JoanOfSnark13

    I'm a tigger sweatshirt away from being a fucking cautionary tale.

    • 26
    • FAVS
    SpotswojIdStandOnThatMaruBeanAlexRomeroINFOe_Rodriguez_JessterPrynneWyLdAnIcAHannahAntics
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    SteelFontana
  • JoanOfSnark13
      Nicole @JoanOfSnark13

    Ladies, enough with the tattoos on your tits. We get it. You're so classy that you drink your white zin from name brand plastic cups.

    • 21
    • FAVS
    IdStandOnThatMaruBeane_Rodriguez_WyLdAnIcAHannahAnticsMr_Mordecai__Borscht_BeltSteelFontana
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_popjimcollinsanonemanonSekaGreyfailing_at_life
  • JoanOfSnark13
      Nicole @JoanOfSnark13

    am I single because I'm licking nutella off my fingers, or am I licking nutella off my fingers because I'm single?

    • 24
    • FAVS
    SpotswojIdStandOnThatRixClarkJrMaruBeanAlexRomeroINFOe_Rodriguez_JessterPrynneWyLdAnIcA
  • JoanOfSnark13
      Nicole @JoanOfSnark13

    Oh look, it's apparently "clitoris awareness day". Or as those of us who aren't getting any call it, Tuesday.

    • 21
    • FAVS
    IdStandOnThatMaruBeane_Rodriguez_JessterPrynneWyLdAnIcAHannahAnticsMr_Mordecai__Borscht_Belt
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    anonemanonsheera3333elleyeah8
  • JoanOfSnark13
      Nicole @JoanOfSnark13

    "someone stole my tweets, you didn't star me enough, you don't pay attention to me!" Boo fucking hoo. Now shut the fuck up.

    • 20
    • FAVS
    IdStandOnThatJason_maybeJustinBoydWritebrendiszarateevenmyegoispinkChefBoredRTsMichelleAguilSixFortySeven
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    Deuces2youMaui_Speaks
  • JoanOfSnark13
      Nicole @JoanOfSnark13

    It's weird how people with such attractive avis are all home on a Frriday night. Oh, the mysteries of Twitter.

    • 20
    • FAVS
    IdStandOnThatAlexRomeroINFOe_Rodriguez_JessterPrynneHannahAnticsjimmykinkadeMr_Mordecai__Borscht_Belt
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    ihatemytv
  • JoanOfSnark13
      Nicole @JoanOfSnark13

    Being a girl is confusing. About to shower, and found popcorn in my bra. When did I eat popcorn? When did I shower last? So many questions!

    • 18
    • FAVS
    IdStandOnThate_Rodriguez_JessterPrynneMr_Mordecai__WyLdAnIcAjohnkoralewskiTequilaTearsstefispice
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    casswhatie
  • JoanOfSnark13
      Nicole @JoanOfSnark13

    Some of you are starring me as if you think there'll be blowjobs handed out later. Which means someone didn't keep their mouth shut.

    • 18
    • FAVS
    IdStandOnThatAlexRomeroINFOe_Rodriguez_StoneflipMcCynicalderbyjamesDumbassadorMr_Mordecai__
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Dumbassador
  • JoanOfSnark13
      Nicole @JoanOfSnark13

    Holy shit, I just got my first 50 star tweet!! I'll be out in my front lawn shaking a MGD 64 all over myself in glorious celebration.

    • 18
    • FAVS
    IdStandOnThate_Rodriguez_JessterPrynneWyLdAnIcAHannahAnticsMr_Mordecai__Borscht_Beltsexgodsuperhero
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    MsKittyKatBlk
  • JoanOfSnark13
      Nicole @JoanOfSnark13

    My dog just licked her vag so thoroughly and slowly that I felt compelled to leave the room to give her some privacy.

    • 19
    • FAVS
    IdStandOnThatMaruBeane_Rodriguez_WyLdAnIcAHannahAnticsBorscht_BeltmatthewdillSteelFontana
  • JoanOfSnark13
      Nicole @JoanOfSnark13

    Never attribute to malice what can be explained by someone just being a goddamned self-absorbed idiot.

    • 13
    • FAVS
    HannahAnticsMr_Mordecai__Borscht_BeltSixFortySevenBRealestTequilaTearsfairlydizzyMaui_sBitch
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    TheRealWeagleBlondeandlostqueenelisabethmommadonacalonyctionTheChickAbides
@JoanOfSnark13

@JoanOfSnark13