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I think when you lie badly to someone, it's like saying "I don't even like you enough to make up an awesome entertaining story".
Finding out that Canadians rioted yesterday is like learning that your grandma is turning tricks in her nursing home.
I cannot imagine why there is a new ice cream bar out called a Magnum. Is that solace for those who'll never see the other kind of Magnum?
nothing like a sweet no fear sticker on your camaro to let me know you were the coolest kid in the class of 94.
Dear red wine: Get in me. Now. Don't worry about why it's a bad idea & I'll regret it tomorrow. And for God's sake, please don't be gentle.
The dogs make me understand how annoying it must be to be a celebrity. I can't even go to the bathroom w/out someone wanting to be with me.
In 8 hours my 26 year old friend will undergo brain surgery. He needs the positive thoughts. Please RT. #supportphil #fuckcancer
If I hit 700 followers today, I will NOT show you pics of my boobs. Trust me--you're better off. I have nine kids and I'm 57.
Twitter needs more funny chicks without boob avatars.
I'm a tigger sweatshirt away from being a fucking cautionary tale.
Ladies, enough with the tattoos on your tits. We get it. You're so classy that you drink your white zin from name brand plastic cups.
am I single because I'm licking nutella off my fingers, or am I licking nutella off my fingers because I'm single?
Oh look, it's apparently "clitoris awareness day". Or as those of us who aren't getting any call it, Tuesday.
"someone stole my tweets, you didn't star me enough, you don't pay attention to me!" Boo fucking hoo. Now shut the fuck up.
It's weird how people with such attractive avis are all home on a Frriday night. Oh, the mysteries of Twitter.
Being a girl is confusing. About to shower, and found popcorn in my bra. When did I eat popcorn? When did I shower last? So many questions!
Some of you are starring me as if you think there'll be blowjobs handed out later. Which means someone didn't keep their mouth shut.
Holy shit, I just got my first 50 star tweet!! I'll be out in my front lawn shaking a MGD 64 all over myself in glorious celebration.
My dog just licked her vag so thoroughly and slowly that I felt compelled to leave the room to give her some privacy.
Never attribute to malice what can be explained by someone just being a goddamned self-absorbed idiot.