Hey, couples who share a Facebook account. It's so adorable the way you don't trust each other.

Fuck all chicken nuggets not shaped like dinosaurs.

Hey girl I've been stalking on Facebook for 567 days, 13 hours and 31 seconds. I can be so much more than a "pending friend".

Big shout-out to juggalos for taking all the gross girls.

just filled my NKOTB fanny pack to the brim with danger

Oh, so you have a "twitter husband?" Well, I have a Back to the Future themed aromatherapy fuck dungeon. What now?

You say smart phone
I say drug tray

My body hates me. I've had nothing but Girl Scout Cookies and scotch for 11 consecutive days.

Ain't no party like a Thundercat party 'cause a Thundercat party got Snarf.

LOL at most of us being dead inside.

The only person who has never let me down is Batman.

You're my hero on twitter!

Wait...TYPO.

You're my heroin, twitter!

Better.

My gay buddy just told me gay dudes love boobs too! I knew it...Everybody loves boobs!

eHarmony profile: "I have to google how to spell most of the words in all my tweets because of drugs and alcohol."

That's all I have so far

Good job Canada. Way to be the only country in the world with shitty bacon.

If your relationship status on Facebook isn't "It's Complicated" then you are a liar.

Twitter understands that.

I just watched my cat Chloe have four adorable little kittens and now I'm never eating kittens again.

I want my relationships to be like Corey and Topanga's. But they are more like Screech and Lisa's.

*flicks cigarette, burns Smurf Village to ashes*

Today is my anniversary! Six years together with my beautiful XBox360. Jealous ladies?