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I'm going to be on the Late Show with David Letterman tonight. I love you. Bye.
I don't get nervous anymore. I just remain nervous.
Sentence you never hear: 'we almost broke up, but then I went through her emails and texts and it's been smooth sailing ever since'
So is Father Nature completely out of the picture?
There's something wonderfully poetic about using a 'baby wipe' to clean up after masturbating.
Ronda Rousey is a great fighter. I would like to see her box.
I have been told that I will be on NBC's Last Comic Standing tonight. Give it a viewing if you get the chance. Thanks. I love you. Bye.
I love when I come home at the end of the day with a dead phone. It makes me feel like I left it all out on the field.
I'm thinking about growing my penis out for the summer.
It's a long ways off but will be here before you know it. My Comedy Central Half Hour will air on October 24th. I love you. Bye.
There were two stabbings and a rape in Manhattan yesterday. Folks get more and more into Columbus Day every year.
Evidently parents tend to prefer one child over the others. I just read an article about it in my mother's diary.
Let's all take a moment to be grateful that pubic hair tends to max out at a pretty acceptable length.
The sound of high heels clicking on the floor is so sexy until you turn around and realize it's an old fat guy dressed as Ben Franklin
Derek Jeter fractures his ankle on tbs. Very funny.
I'm a comedian and I have a weekly podcast called 'Tuesdays with Stories' and I love you. Bye.
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