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I think we put considerably too much emphasis on children knowing what sounds farm animals make. It's not all that important.
So is Father Nature completely out of the picture?
There were two stabbings and a rape in Manhattan yesterday. Folks get more and more into Columbus Day every year.
One time both of my parents walked in on me while I was masturbating. It's the closest I've ever come to having a threesome.
Derek Jeter fractures his ankle on tbs. Very funny.
I asked for the number 4 at McDonald's. The woman said 'the meal?'..no, no I would like to purchase the number 4. It's my lucky number.
What do you guys think is more overrated? 'Girls' the show or 'Girls' the gender?
I think a lot of these truck commercials would love to say 'faggot' if they could get away with it.
Sometimes I find an apple that is so perfect in shape that I'd rather whip it at somebody than eat it.
This looks like the end of a Family Feud episode.
I typically think that girls who are in to me are crazy and girls who aren't in to me are dumb.
Its time we admit that girls don't JUST want to have fun. They want some stability too.
My grandfather died of old AIDS.
They have twitter in Canada!
I have googled how to spell 'diarrhea' more times than I have hugged my parents.
I like to start my order at Chipotle by saying 'I'll have a salad...' Then I immediately say 'just kidding, can you fucking imagine!'
I'm worried about the Fiscal Cliff. I hope we can get back to the Fiscal Norm, so we don't all Dianne. Alright I'll leave you Malone. Cheers
I just overheard a crying woman yell 'Fine! I'll just see you at karaoke!' It was glorious.
I'm a comedian and I have a weekly podcast called 'Tuesdays with Stories' and I love you. Bye.