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I think we put considerably too much emphasis on children knowing what sounds farm animals make. It's not all that important.
I'm going to be on the Late Show with David Letterman tonight. I love you. Bye.
I don't get nervous anymore. I just remain nervous.
Sentence you never hear: 'we almost broke up, but then I went through her emails and texts and it's been smooth sailing ever since'
So is Father Nature completely out of the picture?
There's something wonderfully poetic about using a 'baby wipe' to clean up after masturbating.
I love when I come home at the end of the day with a dead phone. It makes me feel like I left it all out on the field.
I'm thinking about growing my penis out for the summer.
There were two stabbings and a rape in Manhattan yesterday. Folks get more and more into Columbus Day every year.
Derek Jeter fractures his ankle on tbs. Very funny.
One time both of my parents walked in on me while I was masturbating. It's the closest I've ever come to having a threesome.
What do you guys think is more overrated? 'Girls' the show or 'Girls' the gender?
I asked for the number 4 at McDonald's. The woman said 'the meal?'..no, no I would like to purchase the number 4. It's my lucky number.
The bitch next to me at the movie theater is looking at her phone during the previews. So rude!
Sent from my iPhone
If this tweet gets less than 20 retweets I'm taking my own life.
I don't really trust men who have seen Goodfellas under 30 times.
I'm a comedian and I have a weekly podcast called 'Tuesdays with Stories' and I love you. Bye.
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