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I think we put considerably too much emphasis on children knowing what sounds farm animals make. It's not all that important.
Does clearing history on your computer free up space? If not can we at least start that rumor
Just got engaged!
First 50 people to retweet get an invite to the wedding!!!
Whenever I have to get out of bed by 6:15am, I always make sure to wake up at 3:55, 4:15, 4:45, 5:10, 5:25, 5:30, 5:50 and 9:15.
I love my life and am grateful for everything I have but when I turn my phone back on after a flight and have no texts I think about suicide
Just watched a guy puke and then say "that just means it's a great night".
Sorry but that is not the bodily fluid that represents success.
The Mets fans aren't leaving early, they're just seeing if they can return their recently purchased merchandise.
I'm going to be on the Late Show with David Letterman tonight. I love you. Bye.
I don't get nervous anymore. I just remain nervous.
Sentence you never hear: 'we almost broke up, but then I went through her emails and texts and it's been smooth sailing ever since'
I'm a comedian and I have a weekly podcast called 'Tuesdays with Stories' and I love you. Bye.
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