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Just got engaged!
First 50 people to retweet get an invite to the wedding!!!
The Mets fans aren't leaving early, they're just seeing if they can return their recently purchased merchandise.
I'm going to be on the Late Show with David Letterman tonight. I love you. Bye.
I don't get nervous anymore. I just remain nervous.
Sentence you never hear: 'we almost broke up, but then I went through her emails and texts and it's been smooth sailing ever since'
My uncle keeps asking me all these questions about sobriety. Like:
"What are you a fag now?"
So is Father Nature completely out of the picture?
There's something wonderfully poetic about using a 'baby wipe' to clean up after masturbating.
Ronda Rousey is a great fighter. I would like to see her box.
I have been told that I will be on NBC's Last Comic Standing tonight. Give it a viewing if you get the chance. Thanks. I love you. Bye.
I love when I come home at the end of the day with a dead phone. It makes me feel like I left it all out on the field.
The term 'fiancé' is too pretentious so I just call mine my 'former girlfriend'. Not to her face, just to other girls.
I'm a comedian and I have a weekly podcast called 'Tuesdays with Stories' and I love you. Bye.
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