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Does clearing history on your computer free up space? If not can we at least start that rumor
Just got engaged!
First 50 people to retweet get an invite to the wedding!!!
I love my life and am grateful for everything I have but when I turn my phone back on after a flight and have no texts I think about suicide
Just watched a guy puke and then say "that just means it's a great night".
Sorry but that is not the bodily fluid that represents success.
The Mets fans aren't leaving early, they're just seeing if they can return their recently purchased merchandise.
I'm going to be on the Late Show with David Letterman tonight. I love you. Bye.
I don't get nervous anymore. I just remain nervous.
Sentence you never hear: 'we almost broke up, but then I went through her emails and texts and it's been smooth sailing ever since'
I just over heard a guy say "I need a hidden camera in my forehead or something" I guess the two exposed cameras in his head aren't working.
My uncle keeps asking me all these questions about sobriety. Like:
"What are you a fag now?"
I'm a comedian and I have a weekly podcast called 'Tuesdays with Stories' and I love you. Bye.
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