Twitter is nothing like science, it's more like religion. You can still gain followers no matter how stupid & shitty the message is.

I'm looking forward to growing old with you all. I'm already planning my sarcastic tweets about hip replacements and peeing the bed.

I'm sure gals and gays could make it work if a strap-on was involved. And, you let him suck the occasional dick.

Christmas is cancelled at my aunt's house because I used her decorative bathroom towels.

The blood plumps her labia like half a canned peach. She cackles, Perry screams endlessly, and zombie Ronnie moans behind them, resurrected.

I think I spend as much time tweeting as I do drinking!

If you blow my mind, I blow you. Fair enough?

I don't think I've ever taken a shower that I didn't pee in. I enjoy feeling the contrasting levels of heat streaming between my thighs.

Nothing makes me sadder than birth control pill commercials having to tell us that they don't protect against STDs.

Is there any sense in shaving my balls for the winter, or anymore for that matter. It's not like I'm ever gonna use them again.

I am the L. Ron Hubbard of making shit up and getting followers.

There should be a Breakfast Club sequel where the actors whine over Cheerios about their careers and how everybody forget about them.

People with terminal illnesses are grateful for each day they wake up.

Your complaints about school, work, relationships, etc. are pitiful

I just ordered 4 bigmacs and a 20 piece of nuggets. Do you think I have the ability to say no to fries? - me to the McDonald's "employee"

Props go to Piers Morgan for not visibly flinching when Jermaine Jackson said "irrevelant"--twice--and let him finish speaking his piece.

Watching a senior citizen handle an iPhone is like watching a cat with a dangling string.

I asked the clerk at the DVD store where I could find a copy of Oliver Stone's "JFK". He said, "Back and to the left".

To break the ice at family gatherings with the in-laws, I stir the mashed potatoes with my dildo while laughing.

Doesn't go over well.

We should all switch genitalia for the day...

Boys can finally figure out how ours works & girls can dress up their dongs in tiny outfits.

Based on how much my kid likes spinning to get dizzy I can pretty much tell you he's gonna be a drunk...