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I just flexed my muscles for a sexy lady and my shirt ripped. That’s because her boyfriend tore it off while beating the shit out of me.
I just saw a poster that said, “Stop Racism!” That’ll do it.
I did a couple of laps around the gym today. Maybe next time I'll actually park my car and go in.
When I go to the doctors, I slip him a $20 to mention “penis reduction surgery” loud enough so the people in the waiting room can hear.
My Twitter timeline looks like a transcript from a mental institution.
It’s always a good sign when I see alumni plates for the school I’m going to on an 85’ Honda Prelude.
My safe word is, "Does this cost extra?"
I’m on a yacht with 2 Brazilian supermodels. Hang on; let me put my glasses on. Oh, its two crystal meth addicted whores on a pontoon boat.
I wonder if fortune tellers know how disappointed their parents are in them.
I didn’t choose abstinence; my face chose it for me.
What’s black and white and red all over? This isn’t a riddle, I think it’s infected.
My favorite drinking game to play is called, “Depression.”
I've never seen a better example of irony than a stripper named, "Dignity."
I didn’t last long as a phone sex operator. 10 seconds into my 1st call, I traced the number and peeled out in the parking lot to find her.
I remember how embarrassed I was the first time I stood in front of class because I had a boner. That's when I knew teaching wasn't for me.
I’m so worried about being labeled a racist that I don’t even separate my laundry.
At my job I just sit around and goof off on Twitter all day. I’m not a very good air traffic controller.
I heard women are attracted to bad boys. Maybe you ladies didn’t know, but I’m actually banned from my local Staples for writing bad checks.
I’ve still got the same, “NO GIRLS ALLOWED!” sign on my bedroom door that I had as a kid. It’s just that now, its court ordered.
It's so annoying when my girlfriend interrupts me on the phone to ask if I'm, "Over18 and have a major credit card available?"