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I just flexed my muscles for a sexy lady and my shirt ripped. That’s because her boyfriend tore it off while beating the shit out of me.
I just saw a poster that said, “Stop Racism!” That’ll do it.
I did a couple of laps around the gym today. Maybe next time I'll actually park my car and go in.
When I go to the doctors, I slip him a $20 to mention “penis reduction surgery” loud enough so the people in the waiting room can hear.
My Twitter timeline looks like a transcript from a mental institution.
It’s always a good sign when I see alumni plates for the school I’m going to on an 85’ Honda Prelude.
My safe word is, "Does this cost extra?"
I wonder if fortune tellers know how disappointed their parents are in them.
I’m on a yacht with 2 Brazilian supermodels. Hang on; let me put my glasses on. Oh, its two crystal meth addicted whores on a pontoon boat.
I didn’t choose abstinence; my face chose it for me.
My favorite drinking game to play is called, “Depression.”
I've never seen a better example of irony than a stripper named, "Dignity."
What’s black and white and red all over? This isn’t a riddle, I think it’s infected.
I didn’t last long as a phone sex operator. 10 seconds into my 1st call, I traced the number and peeled out in the parking lot to find her.
I remember how embarrassed I was the first time I stood in front of class because I had a boner. That's when I knew teaching wasn't for me.
I’m so worried about being labeled a racist that I don’t even separate my laundry.
At my job I just sit around and goof off on Twitter all day. I’m not a very good air traffic controller.
I heard women are attracted to bad boys. Maybe you ladies didn’t know, but I’m actually banned from my local Staples for writing bad checks.
I believe in love at first binocular sight.
It's so annoying when my girlfriend interrupts me on the phone to ask if I'm, "Over18 and have a major credit card available?"