My "Ewww, is this milk expired?!" face is nearly identical to my "Oooh, you have a kid?" face

If I talk when orgasming I sound like Shakira ordering Thai food.

Your outfit says preacher's daughter. But your hair extensions say touched by uncle.

The only thing worst than stage fright at the urinal is the homeless guy behind me with his hands on my shoulders whispering "just believe"

Hey if you're not doing anything later, wanna get together and hate some stuff?

So are you new at being an asshole, or have you always backed into your parking spot?

So when people say they religiously do something. Does that mean they do it really hypocritically and fairy tale like?

I should probably stop yelling "YEAH! OoooH YEAH! SQUIRT IT ALL OVER ME!" at the auto soap dispenser at work......

But, I won't.

Sex with me is like a 15yr old Asian girl learning how to drive a stick shift. A lot of violent jerking and no clue what I'm doing.

New voicemail greeting

"Hey this is Joe, why the fuck don't you just text me?"

Real quick, how come there is no "throw me the ball while I jump in the pool" in the Olympics????? That sport has to be worldwide.

I never know what to wear to weddings. I need something that says "What the fuck you guys?!" But also says "I'd slam the juggy bridesmaid"

Calm down guys with ankle socks.

You told me everything I need to know about you when I saw you jumping in the pool, plugging your nose.

A good way to get noticed by your secret crush is to have them walk in on you in their bed, naked, making a snow angel in potato salad.

Turns out "I would eat your ass" is a pretty good pick up line.

Bouncer/Bartender interview-

"Are you a dick?
Are you a dick?
Are you a dick?
Are you a dick?"

"Yes!"

Great, you're hired!

Yes, Twitter Elite Shithead please tell me more about what "bitches love"

When I take home a "crazy" I roll up a Morning After pill in a slice of bologna and toss it at her like a Doberman to make sure she takes it

Telling the IT guy at work, my p/w is "Drbuttfuck7" in the most monotone voice I could, was definitely the highlight of the day so far.