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When everything's meant to be broken. I just want you to knowwwww who I ammmm.
If I get 500 followers by midnight I will cover my entire body in oatmeal and upload a video of me dancing.
The best part about being single is pretending everyone wants to date me.
Speaking French sounds exactly like if you had a mouth full of marbles, and you did an impression of Rick Ross whispering.
I'm not a fan of Star Wars. But I am a fan of making someone watch their home planet explode.
If I had a time machine I'd travel to the Victorian era and teach them jeans and t-shirt.
What have humans done to deserve dogs?
You know you're getting old when my Dad is the lead singer of Weezer.
1100 followers by midnight and I'll put my hair in Stevie Wonder Beads and get a new drivers license photo.
"Alright guys let's think! How hard can it be to write a song about having a wonderful Christmas time?!" -- Paul McCartney
Step 1) Build your twitter world. Step 2) Watch your twitter world become a reality.
So if I'm understanding this correctly, women have bleeding butts where their dicks should be?
There is nothing cuter than a baby meeting a puppet and thinking it's a real friend. I've seen it.
How is anyone sad when they can think about cooler stuff anytime they want?
The Vagina is the backdoor to the inside of a women's butt.
Just when you thought the coast was clear . . . Boats.