When everything's meant to be broken. I just want you to knowwwww who I ammmm.

If I get 500 followers by midnight I will cover my entire body in oatmeal and upload a video of me dancing.

With the achievement of reaching 500 followers and beyond. I finally give you, The Oatmeal Dance. http://t.co/zOm5ITq

The best part about being single is pretending everyone wants to date me.

Speaking French sounds exactly like if you had a mouth full of marbles, and you did an impression of Rick Ross whispering.

I'm not a fan of Star Wars. But I am a fan of making someone watch their home planet explode.

Here is the opening video from @duncantrussell 's Comedy is Dead show last week! http://t.co/PjPliZqN

If I had a time machine I'd travel to the Victorian era and teach them jeans and t-shirt.

What have humans done to deserve dogs?

You know you're getting old when my Dad is the lead singer of Weezer.

1100 followers by midnight and I'll put my hair in Stevie Wonder Beads and get a new drivers license photo.

"Alright guys let's think! How hard can it be to write a song about having a wonderful Christmas time?!" -- Paul McCartney

Step 1) Build your twitter world. Step 2) Watch your twitter world become a reality.

So if I'm understanding this correctly, women have bleeding butts where their dicks should be?

There is nothing cuter than a baby meeting a puppet and thinking it's a real friend. I've seen it.

I had the pleasure of directing @mylifeasliz_liz in what she called, "The Role She was Born to Play."  http://tinyurl.com/bkmnbkg 

How is anyone sad when they can think about cooler stuff anytime they want?

@mylifeasliz_liz Every time I see myself in the mirror this starts playing in my heart.  http://youtu.be/pwU_WueGQQM 

The Vagina is the backdoor to the inside of a women's butt.

Just when you thought the coast was clear . . . Boats.