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My dream job is to be the guy in mission control who throws the papers in the air when it turns out the astronaut is safe.
Frankenstein was my doctor's name. Please. Call me monster.
Matt Damon's are from Mars, Ben Affleck's are from Venus
FYI, the Hoobastank Pandora station plays way too much fucking Incubus
If you think these dudes are mad at all female Ghostbusters, just wait until they get their eyes on my all female Bernie biopic
"West Philadelphia born and raised. Hailing Xenu is how I spend most of my days"- Will Smith
It only took 13 years but Anderson Varejao finally brought a championship to Cleveland
If the warriors lose I'm blaming this https://twitter.com/paparoach/status/595770196108914689 …
When eating alone, make sure to sit near the trash can like the garbage person you are.
"Calista!! Come help me with my earring!!!"- Harrison Ford, every morning probably
"Hi, Sharks, I'm Joey Devine, CEO of Joey Devine's Stand Up Comedy. I'm looking for $1,000 for 80% of my business."
Mark Cuban: "I'm out."
Pretty excited to hear from all the people who hate Kanye but also worship Morrissey this week
Steph Curry is my Bernie
The best part of Captain America: Civil War is that three parents get murdered instead of the standard one or two.
Sorry Bay Area, even Charles Manson had to move to LA when it was time to get actual work done.
Help! Accidentally just drank a Gatorade 3 before drinking 1 or 2. Please call poison control.
Did you know that fucking kid from American Beauty was the reason stores started charging 10¢ for bags?
Clean and rad and powerful, writer, comedian
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