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My dream job is to be the guy in mission control who throws the papers in the air when it turns out the astronaut is safe.
Matt Damon's are from Mars, Ben Affleck's are from Venus
FYI, the Hoobastank Pandora station plays way too much fucking Incubus
"West Philadelphia born and raised. Hailing Xenu is how I spend most of my days"- Will Smith
If the warriors lose I'm blaming this https://twitter.com/paparoach/status/595770196108914689 …
When eating alone, make sure to sit near the trash can like the garbage person you are.
"Calista!! Come help me with my earring!!!"- Harrison Ford, every morning probably
Pretty excited to hear from all the people who hate Kanye but also worship Morrissey this week
Steph Curry is my Bernie
The best part of Captain America: Civil War is that three parents get murdered instead of the standard one or two.
Sorry Bay Area, even Charles Manson had to move to LA when it was time to get actual work done.
Help! Accidentally just drank a Gatorade 3 before drinking 1 or 2. Please call poison control.
Did you know that fucking kid from American Beauty was the reason stores started charging 10¢ for bags?
Before I leave the house I have a routine where I'm like, "Wallet? Check. Keys? Check. Phone? Check. Privilege? Check."
People are tweeting about boxing and horse racing, which answers the question "what twitter would've been like during the Great Depression"
How come nobody told me all of The Smiths songs were about being Friendzoned?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Clean and rad and powerful, writer, comedian
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