People who don't know anything about what's happening in Egypt right now, could probably tell you a lot about American Idol.

When my friends ask me how I'm doing, I usually lie to them because interventions make me uncomfortable.

I'm not saying I'm out of touch, but all the cool bars are too loud, new music is horrible, and I only want to make references to the 90's.

If Bon Iver named his next album "Ambien," I would buy a copy simply out of respect for his honesty.

Making fun of gingers is popular because you can make someone feel bad about themselves and not feel like a racist.

Next time you find yourself bragging how you never waste any time, remember this moment.

Women just want a nice normal guy... with a super cool beard, amazing taste and access to magical wishes.

Not too many things make me more uncomfortable than a 21 year old who has their shit together.

You might be sick of Fun's "We Are Young" now... wait until it's in commercials for boner pills in 10 years.

Doing something interesting/innovative/original on Twitter means you're probably going to lose a lot of followers. Do it anyway!

Some rappers talk about themselves so much that it feels like it's just them and their friends reading off their wikipedia page.

It's a great feeling when you're looking at your phone as you get a text. It makes all the other 983,382 times worth it.

It's unnecessary for Starbucks to have a "Coffee" flavored Frappuccino. That's like Red Bull printing "Optimus Prime's Dick" on their cans.

Even if you were able to get a cat to understand how famous they are on the internet, they'd still be disinterested.

When I see a Microsoft commercial that tries to be like Apple, it makes me think of the Go-Bots.

Marriage equality has now pitted Fozzie Bear against a chicken sandwich. I have to say... I did not see that coming.

Sometimes life feels like the 20 minutes of awkward struggling after an attractive women asks a dude to open a jar and he can't do it.

Me: "The J. Edgar Hoover movie looks promising." Girl: "Yeah, I don't know much about our former Presidents." Me: "Apparently so."

You're at the next level of drunk when you take your cocktail into the restroom with you.

When somebody is charming and funny all the time, I usually know the reason: robot.