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  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Gift @JohnLyonTweets Favstar Pro to unlock their best tweet!Gift them Pro!

    • 4,552
    • LIKES
    sumbodysbabygrlEquinoxBadBitchluvytertrickortreat_btstrum_jockevsevincgilHighstick_Drumsamhigginscray
    • 4,069
    • RETWEETS
    sumbodysbabygrlstrum_jockbabygandolfiniAndrewTheMildnewjerseychillsJennMoreland87FabFour65FreshKnowsFresh
    squirrel74wkgnTups13thejodiestdaemonic3
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

    • 2,549
    • LIKES
    MrFieldzScottProfessor_fadhumoKay_E_VeeMusicAnitaSeindaviekeymoneyMolecularMojovolks__
    • 2,519
    • RETWEETS
    kevin_nyakundimokayahdayvd75epimmanuelmufuruki2KenyanrejectGustouanWa_Kym
    damakattackwickedimproperOfficeofSteveDeadLionessLazerPunchblitheringidiom__MzSweetcheeks_jeanievilleTheDailySchmuck
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

    • 2,677
    • LIKES
    RdrJay47LoveNLunchmeatActualWolvesDarlainkyheyevergreenandrewmacdowallChocovaniaNapmaster_32
    • 1,822
    • RETWEETS
    RdrJay47DarlainkyRichardMagrathandrewmacdowallcvizcainodudaysahadevanNapmaster_32ashmensch
    abrosenthalDrDweezil__MascaraBanditjazmastaPaperWashSwishergirl24ShaunRightNowTrigg3rHippiemaebemarblesTuxedoTigers
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

    • 1,440
    • LIKES
    MolecularMojovolks__RdrJay47LoveNLunchmeatDarlainkyCelebrityChezbombsydollWinghamTracy
    • 888
    • RETWEETS
    volks__RdrJay47LoveNLunchmeatDarlainkygntlyfallngsnoworneryalwayscraneenergyjeffswarens
    MrsJekyllsHydeElaineBBfanHeatherLuvsYou
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Don't think of it as a cubicle. Think of it as a starter coffin.

    • 1,369
    • LIKES
    MolecularMojovolks__TGellaniclindsayswayskeptic67ActualWolvesanglesnachezdawhlia
    • 880
    • RETWEETS
    MolecularMojovolks__clindsayswayskeptic67allaboutkellianglesnachezKristen31650966sunnygirl_y2k
    damakattackSarcasmo718TheTweetParrotGreeblehausCleverDudiMikosnycBlack__Elvislynyrdsbackyard
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

    • 1,132
    • LIKES
    Albyphyfezherman_gervasaye_chrisesbsearcey2917volks__BollingBinxRdrJay47BlueHaiku2
    • 767
    • RETWEETS
    kevin_nyakundiaye_chrisesNaiRobleyImrKilCount_Melvin_Barrack__Nuwaha17big_muva
    DrDweezil__xSpaceShotxAndyAsAdjective
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

    • 1,089
    • LIKES
    herman_gervasThe_CEE_wendyoluochKalungispikesyaHuge_Barrack__volks__anglesnachez
    • 677
    • RETWEETS
    kevin_nyakundibygbiscuitpantslesedii_28Mr_BamwesigaawesomesiqnessImrKilVictorTwavicVickyMadola
    madamepotsteinDrDweezil__elroyejenkinsYour_Boy_Dylan
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

    *Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

    Well that sucked.

    • 1,046
    • LIKES
    volks__clindsayswayLoveNLunchmeatMr_KapowskiiwearaonesieheyevergreenLnL245LionJenkins
    • 611
    • RETWEETS
    volks__clindsayswayLoveNLunchmeatMr_KapowskiiwearaonesieLnL245LionJenkinsd_duhwit
    KatieBurnettKLIM0VSKIjrza84rickolanternstevetwarnerOtherDanOBriennicfit75
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    It must be tough to get people to read your emails if you really are a Nigerian prince.

    • 946
    • LIKES
    volks__clindsayswayDarlainkyiwearaonesieCelebrityChezheyevergreenEnFlightDesignbensonsonline
    • 470
    • RETWEETS
    volks__clindsayswayDarlainkyEliReadingbensonsonlinehunz74MasonMiller03RealShaughn
    BradBroaddusJamesCoolieDanKCharnleyBlack__Elvismiss_ogyny________
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.

    • 867
    • LIKES
    Peter75006merovingian_127AyySheetsBriD35rachh999bearfarts86antaio2EClements22
    • 494
    • RETWEETS
    Peter75006AlcxhxllicaOfficialAidraFTheLaughFactoryLaughFactory_LBMelle13MrsMwitibourbonpens
    Mardigroan
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I can’t enjoy movie car chases. That fruit stand was some guy’s livelihood, man.

    • 771
    • LIKES
    volks__LoveNLunchmeatDarlainkyAsgardianRoseskeptic67JacobSnakeholeheyevergreenDeLMarSan
    • 395
    • RETWEETS
    volks__SymfoniSanonbeneDamdiver7LoveNLunchmeatDarlainkyAmeiamskeptic67
    iwearaonesieDrDweezil__ilgrandechucksarcazm2
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

    • 745
    • LIKES
    iwearaonesieheyevergreenLionJenkinsDarkerWillowspice_dixiehunz74MasonMiller03TabInPortland
    • 373
    • RETWEETS
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    so_amused
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    If a woman looks sad, tell her "You'd be pretty if you smiled more" and you won't see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

    • 605
    • LIKES
    KimberlyKimeriaGutenbergerthic_teaimogenjayyVickyMadolaMissGakiionume_volks__
    • 463
    • RETWEETS
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  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Friend: What time is it?
    Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
    Friend: Well?
    Me: Well what?

    • 632
    • LIKES
    volks__clindsayswayGiverney666iwearaonesieJacobSnakeholeheyevergreenScottyWuffLnL245
    • 391
    • RETWEETS
    volks__clindsayswayMardigroanskeptic67LnL245LionJenkinsMasonMiller03clsumms
    DrDweezil__krishna_van
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Me: Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know.

    Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

    Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

    • 555
    • LIKES
    AlishaMRMmanojkumarshu43Just_YouASureshMKothariAarnMeGutenbergerSnigdha_Raijannable9
    • 429
    • RETWEETS
    AlishaMRMJust_YouASureshMKotharitanya_s7Gutenbergerhypnotic_harshBeingAmit4debashisbarik98
    ElgatoEsmio
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I'm never entirely sure we really made plans.

    • 582
    • LIKES
    volks__iwearaonesieCelebrityChezJacobSnakeholeheyevergreenColleenHolt20livewire3791SteveThomas67
    • 344
    • RETWEETS
    volks__livewire3791SteveThomas67Wellsy_1991bokneeyaasiananomalyVolatileNinjaYourAnMoron
    _CherriAnn_FatherWithTwinsMikeMcMikaelsonTangoEchoAlphaP__
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Don't regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

    Disregard this if you are in prison.

    • 465
    • LIKES
    volks__timothybird186minislaMr_Kapowskisamyboi911SleepyduDe420WildeThingyMotherhector
    • 426
    • RETWEETS
    volks__Mr_KapowskiSleepyduDe420ShittyRamboSihophoneFreudnslpumplsstopiwearaonesie
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Thanks for telling me this is your "pet cat" because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

    • 530
    • LIKES
    bobw1ojohn_swailskatherinekisinsoulindivisionrdesai7WhiteMughalsFanMolecularMojonfox61
    • 309
    • RETWEETS
    john_swailssoulindivisionQwertyJones3MolecularMojoLeboza33blah0506thepoetknightMichabean
    QwertyJones3WheelTod
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I said to a friend, “How are you?” & he said “Good, how are you?” & I said “Good, how are you?’ because I don’t know how conversation works.

    • 555
    • LIKES
    volks__Giverney666iwearaonesieJacobSnakeholerad_martiganTillman5Andyfreestyle56hunz74
    • 271
    • RETWEETS
    volks__SteveDutzyKevinBuffaloTillman5Andyhunz74the_niryafoxnerdrntiReynard
    cessperience
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.

    • 509
    • LIKES
    volks__ThisJoAnnGregoryRuddtombieleckileftarmismeSteveDutzyiwearaonesieTmoney68
    • 303
    • RETWEETS
    kevin_nyakundixysistvolks__rorschachadotmalgordonbrookassSteveDutzyMardigroan
    Black__Elvisonelongbender__
@JohnLyonTweets

@JohnLyonTweets

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