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  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

    • 2,046
    • FAVS
    albywizzyBeccaPianoKentWGrahamDickstractedMissMalbeckasaudaSoapCrazeKvG___
    • 1,368
    • RETWEETS
    MissMalbeckasaudaHollyceHthetobbierts_KainenearchFandroidyilzCleanHouse2014
    DrDweezilMascaraBanditjazmastaPaperWashSwishergirl24ShaunRightNowTrigg3rHippiemaebemarblescyclingfiend74
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

    • 1,416
    • FAVS
    SnikoggsalbywizzyBeccaPianoKentWGrahamMissMalbecPronghornHoopsRedneck_Trekkiethesamspo
    • 1,311
    • RETWEETS
    ntuyotoAceJoodiamMunga_Henri_NSocheemaralbywizzyVICTORYBREADKentWGraham
    DeadLionessLazerPunchblitheringidiom__MzSweetcheeks_jeanievilleTheDailySchmuck
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

    • 1,237
    • FAVS
    albywizzyKentWGrahamMissMalbeckasaudammabarbie007JimFerguson23VerifiedDrunkflyasabumblebee
    • 751
    • RETWEETS
    SocheemarBigBrianKimanialbywizzyKentWGrahamNikiOGemericaMd00pMatteroffact80mrjohntofu
    MrsJekyllsHydeElaineBBfanHeatherLuvsYou
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

    • 904
    • FAVS
    albywizzyBeccaPianoKentWGrahamMissMalbecandyfwhitekasaudaTDsareawesomeInvertedEscher
    • 525
    • RETWEETS
    iamMungaalbywizzyKentWGrahamkasaudaNdeshi_Mgefiltecattgonefishinmarrusya6
    brittarnettYour_Boy_Dylan
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Don't think of it as a cubicle. Think of it as a starter coffin.

    • 806
    • FAVS
    CommanderSkippy2thestreetzphilthy0philCyrano_73RunwayDanjlock17albywizzyKentWGraham
    • 525
    • RETWEETS
    eurasianjdharper2thestreetzphilthy0philCyrano_73RunwayDanjlock17albywizzy
    Greeblehausseanx3iMikosnycBlack__Elvislynyrdsbackyard
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    It must be tough to get people to read your emails if you really are a Nigerian prince.

    • 838
    • FAVS
    albywizzyBeccaPianoKentWGrahamMissMalbeckasaudaTDsareawesomegefiltecatt3rr3nc3
    • 400
    • RETWEETS
    albywizzyKentWGrahamgefiltecatNdeshi_MOrWasItTheSkepticusGnoodleschrismerrill
    JamesCoolieDanKCharnleyBlack__Elvismiss_ogyny________
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

    *Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

    Well that sucked.

    • 731
    • FAVS
    BeccaPianoMissMalbecWaterLilyDreamskjelldobbelvkasaudaTDsareawesomealain_hardywalztutu
    • 440
    • RETWEETS
    BeccaPianoallinfuntxkasaudaalain_hardywalztutukrishna_vanibenkhalafhewite86
    jrza84rickolanternstevetwarnerOtherDanOBriennicfit75
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I can’t enjoy movie car chases. That fruit stand was some guy’s livelihood, man.

    • 706
    • FAVS
    Moi_RaRagid_ivanivoveliKemie_08SharimaKanahanpaka_papitapikkachooTheAngryMailGuy
    • 356
    • RETWEETS
    Kemie_08NickHLozitopaka_papitaTheAngryMailGuyGoldenSpiralsZombimannAlbyzznjirubrian
    ilgrandechucksarcazm2
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Friend: What time is it?
    Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
    Friend: Well?
    Me: Well what?

    • 537
    • FAVS
    albywizzyBeccaPianoMissMalbeckasaudaTDsareawesomeGianDohjannable9Whoopdeedoo22
    • 332
    • RETWEETS
    MissMalbecGianDohPOETICandFUNNYrankingTweetsmarrusya6TheRealRHBJM4NN13brighteyes_23__
    krishna_van
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

    • 554
    • FAVS
    albywizzyMissMalbeckasaudatelevictim22Bob_McgroaryRickAaronKatiaGRodrigueseye_spyder
    • 247
    • RETWEETS
    GianDohdarrrkstarrrmarrusya6rawwwwwwwwwwrrrTheRealRHBJM4NN13joshjensen39__krishna_van
    so_amused
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

    • 432
    • FAVS
    albywizzyKentWGrahamMissMalbecbelkertkasaudaJohnCarterCSAGregHenchmanZombie_Kit
    • 310
    • RETWEETS
    kasaudaZombie_Kittiatweetzjkittrell94lauraeclarkHoardingEnablerAddledPixieNorsebysw
    DrDweezilxSpaceShotxAndyAsAdjective
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I said to a friend, “How are you?” & he said “Good, how are you?” & I said “Good, how are you?’ because I don’t know how conversation works.

    • 487
    • FAVS
    BeccaPianoMissMalbeckasaudaGianDohhbreaker9999Norstackkmarrusya6rawwwwwwwwwwrrr
    • 235
    • RETWEETS
    marrusya6mkm118TheRealRHBJM4NN13brighteyes_23__krishna_vanJIMBOSWELTits_trish
    cessperience
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I'm never entirely sure we really made plans.

    • 435
    • FAVS
    KentWGrahamMissMalbecMarjaAndreassenkasaudaTDsareawesomeGianDohgefiltecathbreaker9999
    • 254
    • RETWEETS
    KentWGrahamkasaudaK__g_nV_g_nrawwwwwwwwwwrrrTheRealRHBHarryBallzak1MerleWJRvisceral71
    _CherriAnn_FatherWithTwinsMikeMcMikaelsonTangoEchoAlphaP__
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

    • 403
    • FAVS
    KentWGrahamMissMalbeckasaudabehindyourbackDrivelodeongefiltecatrockfairydivaSarahAborub
    • 168
    • RETWEETS
    gefiltecatSarahAborubhbreaker9999Eaton_Beavermarrusya6MsMielAbeillebrighteyes_23__krishna_van
    DallyDoll
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    2nd rule of Fight Club: If you bring a dish to share, put your name on it so you’ll be sure to get it back. Thanks and enjoy the fighting!

    • 425
    • FAVS
    BeccaPianoKentWGrahamMissMalbecTDsareawesomepizzasaucebossCrazyForMoxleyhbreaker9999rawwwwwwwwwwrrr
    • 139
    • RETWEETS
    hbreaker9999rawwwwwwwwwwrrrjifdendekkeYourmomisdirtylovemypsychosisxSpaceShotxbreely216beerito_
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Email subject line: "Your invited." Thanks, I'll bring an apostrophe and an e.

    • 349
    • FAVS
    BeccaPianoKentWGrahamMissMalbeckasaudajannable9Genevieve0404OneWonderWomanSilverKick
    • 213
    • RETWEETS
    MissMalbecomggusLittlestSlobononotthelizardBazarComedyKamaroPayneced1DanieChase
    visceral71TroyWidner________
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    If a woman looks sad, tell her "You'd be pretty if you smiled more" and you won't see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

    • 304
    • FAVS
    BeccaPianoKentWGrahamMissMalbeckasaudahanrizahbreaker9999lawyerthoughtsmarrusya6
    • 251
    • RETWEETS
    MissMalbecjilly_bo_fillyTheRealRHBBashi_DeeVictoriaStarmansteve_condraRiyaJayJohnsakshi91singh
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    "Lunchables" is a good name because it doesn't make any grandiose claims: "This is able to be eaten as lunch."

    • 424
    • FAVS
    BeccaPianoMissMalbecWhoopdeedoo22Ndeshi_MKappa_KappaorneryalwaysLoveNLunchmeatlewisandsnark
    • 105
    • RETWEETS
    zramsaycreepalerthighZombie_Kitjlock17TeejayRushmejustbethkristysfterio1429
    jeanieville
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.

    • 376
    • FAVS
    MissMalbecpizzasaucebosstgonefishinchrismerrillhbreaker9999rawwwwwwwwwwrrrvisceral71MsMielAbeille
    • 152
    • RETWEETS
    GhettoChr1s12chrismerrillhbreaker9999Eaton_Beaverrawwwwwwwwwwrrrvisceral71Meems_Memesbrighteyes_23__
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

    • 316
    • FAVS
    BeccaPianoKentWGrahamMissMalbeckasaudaWhoopdeedoo22Ndeshi_Mhbreaker9999rawwwwwwwwwwrrr
    • 178
    • RETWEETS
    KentWGrahamSoulinGrieveTheRealRHBSteveDutzyMsMielAbeilledcorbett75wytonwytScott_A_Gilmore
    jakob_huber
@JohnLyonTweets

@JohnLyonTweets

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