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  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

    • 2,109
    • FAVS
    _troyjohnsonmostafa_baydounjakegunstsaoirsepriorthomasakaobamaLambz_cappuccinoandcodennyforreal
    • 1,396
    • RETWEETS
    envanirmostafa_baydounchewnomars_Lambz_NooNii_LeeSirSnoops_ImTasha_ImTriniMoolz_
    abrosenthalDrDweezilMascaraBanditjazmastaPaperWashSwishergirl24ShaunRightNowTrigg3rHippiemaebemarblescyclingfiend74
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

    • 1,864
    • FAVS
    biratghimire37NepalSwearsmrkhyaauuNoah_DesmondBailey_Andrew31dreaanglaisK_peace_troyjohnson
    • 1,606
    • RETWEETS
    mrkhyaauurararararamblesScholes_CasatennredsoxfanBailey_Andrew31FenwayNationK_peacejacyacy
    OfficeofSteveDeadLionessLazerPunchblitheringidiom__MzSweetcheeks_jeanievilleTheDailySchmuck
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

    • 1,300
    • FAVS
    jakegunstTmoney68HannahwarmishamJohn26649305barnesgiapfffftwhateverdzacharandai_oculusmundi
    • 787
    • RETWEETS
    barnesgia_oculusmundianyta4ka4TlaxBoy05donofalltrades1ariyoustupidzubinrathodLovelyree
    MrsJekyllsHydeElaineBBfanHeatherLuvsYou
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Don't think of it as a cubicle. Think of it as a starter coffin.

    • 972
    • FAVS
    _troyjohnsonjakegunst_oculusmundiCrownsAndScarsMarkMouncepfffftwhatevernaggaliedzacharandai
    • 630
    • RETWEETS
    CrownsAndScarsMarkMouncelilsislynnedzacharandai_oculusmundithrowingsheydTlaxBoy05gretchanderson1
    TheTweetParrotGreeblehausSeanX3iMikosnycBlack__Elvislynyrdsbackyard
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

    *Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

    Well that sucked.

    • 1,001
    • FAVS
    mostafa_baydounJay_Double_OJeffKeussventriclemousejakegunst_oculusmundifmonge01None2Clever89
    • 592
    • RETWEETS
    damndilettantekissmeimapiratejakegunstfavstar1000favs_oculusmundidzacharandaiTlaxBoy05donofalltrades1
    KatieBurnettKhrisWarholjrza84rickolanternstevetwarnerOtherDanOBriennicfit75
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

    • 987
    • FAVS
    mostafa_baydounoneibrandiJoRobberechtsHe_Le_Na_HaleyLaynee_haaannnaaah_heidi_ughdennyforreal
    • 576
    • RETWEETS
    MelkMuylleRobWagner79NoraAFMGeneral_Gerald7nate_socratesMartiya_JohnsonLaPorte_DanielTmoney68
    DrDweezilbrittarnettYour_Boy_Dylan
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    It must be tough to get people to read your emails if you really are a Nigerian prince.

    • 870
    • FAVS
    jakegunstbabyelephantpooSamsaraSoulBoberPeterEcto3AMcChucklenutsrandomnloveitvexroid
    • 417
    • RETWEETS
    steve_condraSamsaraSoulrandomnloveitvexroid_oculusmundililsislynnedzacharandaianyta4ka4
    JamesCoolieDanKCharnleyBlack__Elvismiss_ogyny________
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I can’t enjoy movie car chases. That fruit stand was some guy’s livelihood, man.

    • 738
    • FAVS
    jakegunstTmoney68pfffftwhateverdzacharandaiAronMorrisAmyQuotbOhEmGee56TlaxBoy05
    • 366
    • RETWEETS
    AmyQuotbOhEmGee56TlaxBoy05jeffreypicotteJuicedballssassy_fuchssquirrel74wkgnSpankMeIm0ty
    DrDweezililgrandechucksarcazm2
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

    • 659
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    jakegunstTriumphantJenbuhsbaby_baby_oculusmundioneibrandiYaelHeberpfffftwhateverdzacharandai
    • 316
    • RETWEETS
    buhsbaby_baby_oculusmundipfffftwhateverGinaThomassonTlaxBoy05EnjilerAngryRaccoon2LadyJWanderlust
    so_amused
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Friend: What time is it?
    Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
    Friend: Well?
    Me: Well what?

    • 594
    • FAVS
    mostafa_baydounTmoney68pfffftwhateverdzacharandaianyta4ka4DWSAndrewJustForHTsmash_landing
    • 364
    • RETWEETS
    anyta4ka4DWSAndrewsmash_landingmeganyybTlaxBoy05C_A_R_L_O_S__WillsKaylacarlielyn
    DrDweezilkrishna_van
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

    • 456
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    pfffftwhateverdzacharandaijazbeebzFaux_MaKimgee8Juicedballs4bodingAmydmarie
    • 326
    • RETWEETS
    Juicedballslilgapeach32__dadamantium__la020210TMLAROCKSpankMeIm0tydavesalois__angieisso
    DrDweezilxSpaceShotxAndyAsAdjective
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I said to a friend, “How are you?” & he said “Good, how are you?” & I said “Good, how are you?’ because I don’t know how conversation works.

    • 502
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    Tmoney68barnesgiapfffftwhateverdzacharandaijazbeebzFaux_MaKimgee8emilypiffy
    • 239
    • RETWEETS
    carlielynJuicedballslacybronze1SpankMeIm0tymarrusya6mkm118TheRealRHBmadmanextdoor
    cessperience
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I'm never entirely sure we really made plans.

    • 456
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    barnesgiaAunt_KabetulesairafidzacharandaijazbeebzKimgee8ElliUncensoredSunLightBro
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    pfffftwhateverAltaf_JiwadzacharandaiElliUncensoredKHoppToItSpankMeIm0tyOutOnTheMoorsangieisso
    _CherriAnn_FatherWithTwinsMikeMcMikaelsonTangoEchoAlphaP__
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    If a woman looks sad, tell her "You'd be pretty if you smiled more" and you won't see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

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    mostafa_baydounjessieebeeNick_Emahhstewie_emahhpfffftwhateverdzacharandaiSusaRajamakiMoneypennyNaked
    • 277
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    XtaAnniejoy__ejessieebeeSassy_Ijetoro_ekanemstewie_emahhNick_EmahhManenors
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

    • 438
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    dzacharandaiRdnucarpKimgee8krismith4peter_tanptinnernectargerriDarceyccnomad
    • 181
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    carlielynccnomadGinaBecker111Tisilkiner1FuneralwomanKathy_Cooperman18sydneyStnkyWeaslTeets
    DallyDoll
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.

    • 432
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    pfffftwhateverdzacharandaijazbeebzLance_Said_Thisjahan_tysonKHoppToItdadamantium__IEatChawal
    • 183
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    dzacharandaiJedi_DaddyKHoppToItdavesalois__MarzombraMrJack5150lllvvvzzzalanagrace
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Email subject line: "Your invited." Thanks, I'll bring an apostrophe and an e.

    • 373
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    kanzasaeed2strangerbabbleIwantmzr7backmsgwenlclumzy6Popper0_0_oculusmundioneibrandi
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    kanzasaeed2mtns4everLahorunThatPakiBoybatoolvilleShehryar__malikAymanSherwaniOyeTalha
    visceral71__TroyWidner________
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    2nd rule of Fight Club: If you bring a dish to share, put your name on it so you’ll be sure to get it back. Thanks and enjoy the fighting!

    • 433
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    oneibrandibarnesgiawickedimproperchesterscottyWoz8005thetobbieAmigaRienteJack_Wagon1
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    Ab_Humostafa_baydounchesterscottythejodiesthbreaker9999rawwwwwwwwwwrrrjifdendekkeYourmomisdirty
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    "Lunchables" is a good name because it doesn't make any grandiose claims: "This is able to be eaten as lunch."

    • 455
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    pfffftwhateverAmigaRienteMcJoCakesOhighIsisbecabirdprettygoodyearSound_DeptAn_Seabhac
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    McJoCakesbecabirdprettygoodyeartalelynnDamonHunzekergenesis99_SteveDutzyalanagrace
    jeanieville
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won't need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

    • 335
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    SteveDutzyElliUncensoredwmgradyharveydowd2002ShaistaJustinjudylp3447Kristinaperez17skbrettbug
    • 201
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    FireflyRaineElliUncensoredgoodjuju007DrivelodeonJedi_DaddyKHoppToItmceglinskiObscureTrevor
    bullfrog_1979
@JohnLyonTweets

@JohnLyonTweets

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