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  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

    • 2,203
    • FAVS
    Sahadev214dheerajluthra2ShaneSpiralRibbyDwingerApartofhisplanperpetualkarmaAlyasChaudaryManMadeTroll
    • 2,120
    • RETWEETS
    IndiMaverickGamersRespawnSaskiadeRegt1venkatkkdarunprasad72Tan_TripathiRibbyDwingerSusanDadamo
    OfficeofSteveDeadLionessLazerPunchblitheringidiom__MzSweetcheeks_jeanievilleTheDailySchmuck
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

    • 2,253
    • FAVS
    kellyskellyLobsterToe67steviethekmamapojoonascaleof1210Jared_MahornHatfieldAnneamardey90
    • 1,590
    • RETWEETS
    RitikaSingh01mamapojoonascaleof1210OreoQuincyleighhandalvee_katVodkaTiemBackrowSeats
    abrosenthalDrDweezilMascaraBanditjazmastaPaperWashSwishergirl24ShaunRightNowTrigg3rHippiemaebemarblescyclingfiend74
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

    • 1,321
    • FAVS
    ImJimR87HeatherCulley2HatfieldAnneritaswan1itszizudrdbgFeatheredFreyjabevJacks
    • 807
    • RETWEETS
    MinskVodkaImJimR87HeatherCulley2HatfieldAnneDK_TLALEitsme007365___nasirFeatheredFreyja
    MrsJekyllsHydeElaineBBfanHeatherLuvsYou
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Don't think of it as a cubicle. Think of it as a starter coffin.

    • 975
    • FAVS
    LeadOurShipiloveskyrim71DestineyLynn_troyjohnsonjakegunst_oculusmundiCrownsAndScarsMarkMounce
    • 631
    • RETWEETS
    sissy__jessicaLeadOurShipCrownsAndScarsMarkMouncelilsislynnedzacharandai_oculusmundithrowingsheyd
    TheTweetParrotGreeblehausSeanX3iMikosnycBlack__Elvislynyrdsbackyard
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

    *Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

    Well that sucked.

    • 1,003
    • FAVS
    iloveskyrim71shannonscollDestineyLynnmostafa_baydounJay_Double_OJeffKeussventriclemousejakegunst
    • 592
    • RETWEETS
    damndilettantekissmeimapiratejakegunstfavstar1000favs_oculusmundidzacharandaiTlaxBoy05donofalltrades1
    KatieBurnettKhrisWordsjrza84rickolanternstevetwarnerOtherDanOBriennicfit75
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

    • 990
    • FAVS
    PolhunterPReticentTurnipDestineyLynnmostafa_baydounoneibrandiJoRobberechtsHe_Le_Na_HaleyLaynee
    • 578
    • RETWEETS
    iloveskyrim71DestineyLynnMelkMuylleRobWagner79NoraAFMGeneral_Gerald7nate_socratesMartiya_Johnson
    DrDweezilbrittarnettYour_Boy_Dylan
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    It must be tough to get people to read your emails if you really are a Nigerian prince.

    • 879
    • FAVS
    CynthiaJEllisbillycreatureJlynCSSshutupmackt_sheltsbrendon_bhAGreaterMonsteriloveskyrim71
    • 425
    • RETWEETS
    shutupmacpurelyamuseEeyorefan12Smitten_RPattzbrendon_bhAGreaterMonsterfavstar_historycm_rutvik
    JamesCoolieDanKCharnleyBlack__Elvismiss_ogyny________
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I can’t enjoy movie car chases. That fruit stand was some guy’s livelihood, man.

    • 746
    • FAVS
    HatfieldAnneaparna___Daniel_Veidt3ushatrivedixoxoC_Hart44AGreaterMonsteriloveskyrim71LorienLeo
    • 371
    • RETWEETS
    Cammille26simranshahfrnksmelonsharkAGreaterMonstercm_rutvikAmyQuotbOhEmGee56TlaxBoy05
    DrDweezililgrandechucksarcazm2
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

    • 682
    • FAVS
    HatfieldAnneDaniel_Veidt3UnderratdMeDrGGopieTreeKittyShittyyAGreaterMonsterTurtlesprints1momma_vodka
    • 333
    • RETWEETS
    Daniel_Veidt3LoraHelouCammille26Smitten_RPattzDrGGopieTreeAGreaterMonsterTurtlesprints1momma_vodka
    so_amused
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Friend: What time is it?
    Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
    Friend: Well?
    Me: Well what?

    • 600
    • FAVS
    shutupmacNCWolfpuckReadingParadoxAGreaterMonsteriloveskyrim71DestineyLynnmostafa_baydounTmoney68
    • 367
    • RETWEETS
    shutupmacSmitten_RPattzAGreaterMonsteranyta4ka4DWSAndrewsmash_landingmeganyybTlaxBoy05
    DrDweezilkrishna_van
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    If a woman looks sad, tell her "You'd be pretty if you smiled more" and you won't see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

    • 495
    • FAVS
    chloebrazendalemom_rodgersNicLazazzBrandtCowannikkashairathismeggandenisediaaz_siriciryel
    • 362
    • RETWEETS
    dardominiquebethanyspakeRockets2WritingMyka234melllzzz_siriciryelBabetteKDChl0eJ0y
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

    • 457
    • FAVS
    CynthiaJEllisTry2ActNormali_R_crimzyChiiracstewartsmith12JowalJonesNCWolfpucknsbrwttt
    • 334
    • RETWEETS
    Mjusi_peepnmutiemtombewanjiruwamburuMiss_NgugiGachirismi_R_crimzyAquiasSpies
    DrDweezilxSpaceShotxAndyAsAdjective
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I said to a friend, “How are you?” & he said “Good, how are you?” & I said “Good, how are you?’ because I don’t know how conversation works.

    • 511
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    zach_cwPhchi1shutupmackt_sheltsBased_ColeNCWolfpuckAGreaterMonsteriloveskyrim71
    • 244
    • RETWEETS
    october_bloodshutupmacSmitten_RPattzBased_ColeAGreaterMonstercarlielynJuicedballslacybronze1
    cessperience
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I'm never entirely sure we really made plans.

    • 464
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    thebitchyfairyeileenmiller041cstewartsmith12allienatorrrRuin2morrowJrfjparrottAGreaterMonsterPolhunterP
    • 266
    • RETWEETS
    Phchi1fjparrottAGreaterMonsteriloveskyrim71pfffftwhateverAltaf_JiwadzacharandaiElliUncensored
    _CherriAnn_FatherWithTwinsMikeMcMikaelsonTangoEchoAlphaP__
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

    • 440
    • FAVS
    iloveskyrim71DestineyLynndzacharandaiRdnucarpKimgee8krismith4peter_tanptinnernectar
    • 182
    • RETWEETS
    DestineyLynncarlielynccnomadGinaBecker111Tisilkiner1FuneralwomanKathy_Cooperman18sydney
    DallyDoll
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.

    • 433
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    iloveskyrim71pfffftwhateverdzacharandaijazbeebzLance_Said_Thisjahan_tysonKHoppToItdadamantium__
    • 183
    • RETWEETS
    dzacharandaiJedi_DaddyKHoppToItdavesalois__MarzombraMrJack5150lllvvvzzzalanagrace
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    "Lunchables" is a good name because it doesn't make any grandiose claims: "This is able to be eaten as lunch."

    • 474
    • FAVS
    i_wasnt_lookingelizahechtJohn26649305yerpalmildsaucetoomanytoesJustinGuarinibeateditVestaTot
    • 134
    • RETWEETS
    CwallsaggietoomanytoesVestaTotsherry_cokeAreSpyerAmymacutieTD_Ferraripwohlviandrift
    jeanieville
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Email subject line: "Your invited." Thanks, I'll bring an apostrophe and an e.

    • 373
    • FAVS
    kanzasaeed2strangerbabbleIwantmzr7backmsgwenlclumzy6Popper0_0_oculusmundioneibrandi
    • 222
    • RETWEETS
    kanzasaeed2mtns4everAbhayChalThatPakiBoybatoolvilleShehryar__malikAymanSherwaniOyeTalha
    visceral71__TroyWidner________
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    2nd rule of Fight Club: If you bring a dish to share, put your name on it so you’ll be sure to get it back. Thanks and enjoy the fighting!

    • 434
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    HatfieldAnneoneibrandibarnesgiawickedimproperchesterscottyWoz8005thetobbieAmigaRiente
    • 143
    • RETWEETS
    Ab_Humostafa_baydounchesterscottythejodiesthbreaker9999rawwwwwwwwwwrrrjifdendekkeYourmomisdirty
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won't need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

    • 355
    • FAVS
    RosalindSikoffGrungeArtTicaLeighNaver17gbobinaGiftedNappertheDanLawlerSpacedontheDate_MoonWinx_
    • 203
    • RETWEETS
    ShanePike_MoonWinx_itsmetrbsuzyawesomeninjasceptreRunwayDanSteveDutzyFireflyRaine
    bullfrog_1979
@JohnLyonTweets

@JohnLyonTweets

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