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  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

    • 2,091
    • FAVS
    DarrenAshley777KAABCAADavidGamblewhineallthewineRobNyhimnotasian1994JazzzzzminaFaux_Ma
    • 1,389
    • RETWEETS
    laurellbayDarrenAshley777ADavidGambleThePinkPhantomPemberton1988soul_to_squeezimnotasian1994Jazzzzzmina
    abrosenthalDrDweezilMascaraBanditjazmastaPaperWashSwishergirl24ShaunRightNowTrigg3rHippiemaebemarblescyclingfiend74
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

    • 1,612
    • FAVS
    ADavidGambleJazzzzzminaFaux_MaTheSolClarkeKimgee8smokeymccheefocarol_kawirakasumuni_
    • 1,445
    • RETWEETS
    MicheleS100Toofpick78kasumuni_Sub_Zeroowka_mwanaRosierowsmatt_travellingemilyness88
    OfficeofSteveDeadLionessLazerPunchblitheringidiom__MzSweetcheeks_jeanievilleTheDailySchmuck
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

    • 1,290
    • FAVS
    ADavidGambleFaux_Madonofalltrades1Toofpick78cferd3Kimgee8onume_matt_travelling
    • 783
    • RETWEETS
    donofalltrades1ariyoustupidzubinrathodLovelyreebrain_omenChadlyn13_02crunchenhancedFrenchTikla
    MrsJekyllsHydeElaineBBfanHeatherLuvsYou
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Don't think of it as a cubicle. Think of it as a starter coffin.

    • 966
    • FAVS
    backporchladyPYWLlinanneblackstephybaby1024U_Lookedmarpuucaldersage22gufsfan
    • 626
    • RETWEETS
    sinsarateaLMills_rongillmoreJohn_M15nowarrantyCourtJester333marintarasauceJazzzzzmina
    TheTweetParrotGreeblehausSeanX3iMikosnycBlack__Elvislynyrdsbackyard
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

    *Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

    Well that sucked.

    • 994
    • FAVS
    backporchladyJazzzzzminaFaux_Madonofalltrades1Kimgee8DoreyZoeChadwickRowanboyleb67
    • 587
    • RETWEETS
    donofalltrades1DoreyZoeMeems_MemesSSourblondieBY1959hythemafiakangaroosushiGeoroyo
    KatieBurnettKhrisWarholjrza84rickolanternstevetwarnerOtherDanOBriennicfit75
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

    • 957
    • FAVS
    ADavidGambleFaux_MaToofpick78Kimgee8clairecollins28TomTomHiltonA__KavanaghHalbeerz
    • 562
    • RETWEETS
    ADavidGamblepiper_princessTomTomHiltonDrewSmicer1080PeterTbanksTero_8_ShittyRambocarlielyn
    DrDweezilbrittarnettYour_Boy_Dylan
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    It must be tough to get people to read your emails if you really are a Nigerian prince.

    • 854
    • FAVS
    Faux_MaKimgee8KatieBurnettJuicedballswickedimproperLance_Said_Thisdadamantium__Donna_McCoy
    • 407
    • RETWEETS
    Toofpick78jeffreypicotteJuicedballsestattinShermanPartsSpankMeIm0tydavesalois__albywizzy
    JamesCoolieDanKCharnleyBlack__Elvismiss_ogyny________
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I can’t enjoy movie car chases. That fruit stand was some guy’s livelihood, man.

    • 729
    • FAVS
    Faux_MaKimgee8ShaeAaronBonniferCJuicedballswickedimproperLance_Said_Thisdadamantium__
    • 364
    • RETWEETS
    jeffreypicotteJuicedballssassy_fuchssquirrel74wkgnSpankMeIm0tydavesalois__sweetemmaroseecallmesokrates
    DrDweezililgrandechucksarcazm2
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

    • 648
    • FAVS
    Faux_MaAngryRaccoon2SingleGirlAlerttheevilwriterReticentTurnipgreggoodman77daniel_frijolesKimgee8
    • 311
    • RETWEETS
    EnjilerAngryRaccoon2LadyJWanderlustSingleGirlAlertdaniel_frijolesdebleech12AizatSaysnajwot
    so_amused
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Friend: What time is it?
    Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
    Friend: Well?
    Me: Well what?

    • 582
    • FAVS
    backporchladyFaux_MaKimgee8MichiganManuelemilypiffyJuicedballsjannalifedayRudnitzkyDorota
    • 356
    • RETWEETS
    Juicedballsartlop3PresidentSmith1WoodyLuvsCoffeeMK_ShenanigansDonna_McCoycoteri11underthetoe
    DrDweezilkrishna_van
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

    • 453
    • FAVS
    Faux_MaKimgee8Juicedballs4bodingAmydmarielilgapeach32__TheSuperParentsdadamantium__
    • 326
    • RETWEETS
    Juicedballslilgapeach32__dadamantium__la020210TMLAROCKSpankMeIm0tydavesalois__angieisso
    DrDweezilxSpaceShotxAndyAsAdjective
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I said to a friend, “How are you?” & he said “Good, how are you?” & I said “Good, how are you?’ because I don’t know how conversation works.

    • 497
    • FAVS
    Faux_MaKimgee8emilypiffyJuicedballsdadamantium__IAmKashWahSpankMeIm0tyjsaffle1
    • 238
    • RETWEETS
    Juicedballslacybronze1SpankMeIm0tymarrusya6mkm118TheRealRHBchaotic_guy_brghteyes
    cessperience
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I'm never entirely sure we really made plans.

    • 451
    • FAVS
    Kimgee8ElliUncensoredSunLightBroKHoppToItdadamantium__IAmKashWahkrissTpissTidiosity
    • 259
    • RETWEETS
    ElliUncensoredKHoppToItSpankMeIm0tyOutOnTheMoorsangieissoKentWGrahamkasaudaK__g_nV_g_n
    _CherriAnn_FatherWithTwinsMikeMcMikaelsonTangoEchoAlphaP__
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

    • 436
    • FAVS
    Kimgee8krismith4peter_tanptinnernectargerriDarceyccnomadBeccae20goatlady84
    • 180
    • RETWEETS
    ccnomadGinaBecker111Tisilkiner1FuneralwomanKathy_Cooperman18sydneyStnkyWeaslTeetsjlock17
    DallyDoll
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.

    • 429
    • FAVS
    Lance_Said_Thisjahan_tysonKHoppToItdadamantium__IAmKashWahSpankMeIm0tystefanojayLoveNLunchmeat
    • 182
    • RETWEETS
    Jedi_DaddyKHoppToItdavesalois__MarzombraMrJack5150lllvvvzzzalanagracejoekdublin
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    If a woman looks sad, tell her "You'd be pretty if you smiled more" and you won't see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

    • 333
    • FAVS
    juztepDarkTallBastardcanadian_eggdubwolCNstilettosmichellecohlruraljulesNiceLittleWife
    • 267
    • RETWEETS
    juztepDarkTallBastardcanadian_eggdanmatthews67leishugaGoneInTheMornmelissraxo4boding
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Email subject line: "Your invited." Thanks, I'll bring an apostrophe and an e.

    • 364
    • FAVS
    SaucyCleverClogwickedimproperKHoppToItdadamantium__67orbustIAmKashWahSoulYodelerPatWallace
    • 217
    • RETWEETS
    carlielynPatWallaceGianDohMind_fukkMissMalbecomggusLittlest_Slobononotthelizard
    visceral71__TroyWidner________
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    "Lunchables" is a good name because it doesn't make any grandiose claims: "This is able to be eaten as lunch."

    • 454
    • FAVS
    AmigaRienteMcJoCakesOhighIsisbecabirdprettygoodyearSound_DeptAn_Seabhaclphillips2002
    • 121
    • RETWEETS
    McJoCakesbecabirdprettygoodyeartalelynnDamonHunzekergenesis99_SteveDutzyalanagrace
    jeanieville
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    2nd rule of Fight Club: If you bring a dish to share, put your name on it so you’ll be sure to get it back. Thanks and enjoy the fighting!

    • 431
    • FAVS
    wickedimproperchesterscottyWoz8005thetobbieAmigaRienteJack_Wagon1BeccaPianoKentWGraham
    • 141
    • RETWEETS
    chesterscottythejodiesthbreaker9999rawwwwwwwwwwrrrjifdendekkeYourmomisdirtylovemypsychosisxSpaceShotx
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won't need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

    • 335
    • FAVS
    SteveDutzyElliUncensoredwmgradyharveydowd2002ShaistaJustinjudylp3447Kristinaperez17skbrettbug
    • 201
    • RETWEETS
    FireflyRaineElliUncensoredgoodjuju007DrivelodeonJedi_DaddyKHoppToItmceglinskiObscureTrevor
    bullfrog_1979
@JohnLyonTweets

@JohnLyonTweets

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