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  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

    • 2,097
    • FAVS
    Spaced_Cowboy00barnesgiapfffftwhateverSimplyDivalanddzacharandai_oculusmundiHeathenaspargusanyta4ka4
    • 1,393
    • RETWEETS
    Spaced_Cowboy00barnesgiaSimplyDivaland_oculusmundiTlaxBoy05laurellbayDarren_Ashley77ADavidGamble
    abrosenthalDrDweezilMascaraBanditjazmastaPaperWashSwishergirl24ShaunRightNowTrigg3rHippiemaebemarblescyclingfiend74
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

    • 1,617
    • FAVS
    LAbizznessSpaced_Cowboy00barnesgiapfffftwhateverdzacharandaibuhsbaby_babysingingdoves13jazbeebz
    • 1,449
    • RETWEETS
    MarcellXX1LAbizznessbi0nicalSpaced_Cowboy00barnesgiaNNLYSdzacharandaijazbeebz
    OfficeofSteveDeadLionessLazerPunchblitheringidiom__MzSweetcheeks_jeanievilleTheDailySchmuck
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

    • 1,296
    • FAVS
    barnesgiapfffftwhateverdzacharandai_oculusmundianyta4ka4TlaxBoy05ADavidGambleFaux_Ma
    • 787
    • RETWEETS
    barnesgia_oculusmundianyta4ka4TlaxBoy05donofalltrades1ariyoustupidzubinrathodLovelyree
    MrsJekyllsHydeElaineBBfanHeatherLuvsYou
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Don't think of it as a cubicle. Think of it as a starter coffin.

    • 969
    • FAVS
    CrownsAndScarsMarkMouncepfffftwhatevernaggaliedzacharandaiIsisIrisimawakeadorkknightTweetsByTheTony
    • 630
    • RETWEETS
    CrownsAndScarsMarkMouncelilsislynnedzacharandai_oculusmundithrowingsheydTlaxBoy05gretchanderson1
    TheTweetParrotGreeblehausSeanX3iMikosnycBlack__Elvislynyrdsbackyard
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

    *Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

    Well that sucked.

    • 998
    • FAVS
    None2Clever89pfffftwhateverdzacharandaiTlaxBoy05jazbeebzyoopnativebackporchladyJazzzzzmina
    • 589
    • RETWEETS
    dzacharandaiTlaxBoy05donofalltrades1DoreyZoeMeems_MemesSSourblondieBY1959hythemafia
    KatieBurnettKhrisWarholjrza84rickolanternstevetwarnerOtherDanOBriennicfit75
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

    • 968
    • FAVS
    pfffftwhateverbearsnflamesptroup34starwarsshirtdzacharandaiTlaxBoy05P_dabholkarreal911stories
    • 568
    • RETWEETS
    starwarsshirtdzacharandaiTlaxBoy05real911storieslightfromlightyoopnativeADavidGamblepiper_princess
    DrDweezilbrittarnettYour_Boy_Dylan
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    It must be tough to get people to read your emails if you really are a Nigerian prince.

    • 860
    • FAVS
    pfffftwhateverdzacharandaianyta4ka4TlaxBoy05jazbeebzyoopnativeFaux_MaKimgee8
    • 412
    • RETWEETS
    lilsislynnedzacharandaianyta4ka4TlaxBoy05carlielynToofpick78jeffreypicotteJuicedballs
    JamesCoolieDanKCharnleyBlack__Elvismiss_ogyny________
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I can’t enjoy movie car chases. That fruit stand was some guy’s livelihood, man.

    • 736
    • FAVS
    pfffftwhateverdzacharandaiAronMorrisAmyQuotbOhEmGee56TlaxBoy05jazbeebzFaux_Ma
    • 366
    • RETWEETS
    AmyQuotbOhEmGee56TlaxBoy05jeffreypicotteJuicedballssassy_fuchssquirrel74wkgnSpankMeIm0ty
    DrDweezililgrandechucksarcazm2
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

    • 653
    • FAVS
    pfffftwhateverdzacharandaianyta4ka4GinaThomassonTlaxBoy05Faux_MaAngryRaccoon2SingleGirlAlert
    • 314
    • RETWEETS
    pfffftwhateverGinaThomassonTlaxBoy05EnjilerAngryRaccoon2LadyJWanderlustSingleGirlAlertdaniel_frijoles
    so_amused
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Friend: What time is it?
    Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
    Friend: Well?
    Me: Well what?

    • 592
    • FAVS
    pfffftwhateverdzacharandaianyta4ka4DWSAndrewJustForHTsmash_landingmeganyybTlaxBoy05
    • 364
    • RETWEETS
    anyta4ka4DWSAndrewsmash_landingmeganyybTlaxBoy05C_A_R_L_O_S__WillsKaylacarlielyn
    DrDweezilkrishna_van
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

    • 456
    • FAVS
    pfffftwhateverdzacharandaijazbeebzFaux_MaKimgee8Juicedballs4bodingAmydmarie
    • 326
    • RETWEETS
    Juicedballslilgapeach32__dadamantium__la020210TMLAROCKSpankMeIm0tydavesalois__angieisso
    DrDweezilxSpaceShotxAndyAsAdjective
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I said to a friend, “How are you?” & he said “Good, how are you?” & I said “Good, how are you?’ because I don’t know how conversation works.

    • 501
    • FAVS
    barnesgiapfffftwhateverdzacharandaijazbeebzFaux_MaKimgee8emilypiffyJuicedballs
    • 239
    • RETWEETS
    carlielynJuicedballslacybronze1SpankMeIm0tymarrusya6mkm118TheRealRHBchaotic_guy
    cessperience
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I'm never entirely sure we really made plans.

    • 456
    • FAVS
    barnesgiaAunt_KabetulesairafidzacharandaijazbeebzKimgee8ElliUncensoredSunLightBro
    • 262
    • RETWEETS
    pfffftwhateverAltaf_JiwadzacharandaiElliUncensoredKHoppToItSpankMeIm0tyOutOnTheMoorsangieisso
    _CherriAnn_FatherWithTwinsMikeMcMikaelsonTangoEchoAlphaP__
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    If a woman looks sad, tell her "You'd be pretty if you smiled more" and you won't see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

    • 344
    • FAVS
    jessieebeeNick_Emahhstewie_emahhpfffftwhateverdzacharandaiSusaRajamakiMoneypennyNakedautumnliz127
    • 277
    • RETWEETS
    XtaAnniejoy__ejessieebeeSassy_Ijetoro_ekanemstewie_emahhNick_EmahhManenors
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

    • 438
    • FAVS
    dzacharandaiRdnucarpKimgee8krismith4peter_tanptinnernectargerriDarceyccnomad
    • 181
    • RETWEETS
    carlielynccnomadGinaBecker111Tisilkiner1FuneralwomanKathy_Cooperman18sydneyStnkyWeaslTeets
    DallyDoll
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.

    • 432
    • FAVS
    pfffftwhateverdzacharandaijazbeebzLance_Said_Thisjahan_tysonKHoppToItdadamantium__IEatChawal
    • 183
    • RETWEETS
    dzacharandaiJedi_DaddyKHoppToItdavesalois__MarzombraMrJack5150lllvvvzzzalanagrace
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Email subject line: "Your invited." Thanks, I'll bring an apostrophe and an e.

    • 365
    • FAVS
    pfffftwhateverSaucyCleverClogwickedimproperKHoppToItdadamantium__67orbustIEatChawalSoulYodeler
    • 217
    • RETWEETS
    carlielynPatWallaceGianDohMind_fukkMissMalbecomggusLittlest_Slobononotthelizard
    visceral71__TroyWidner________
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    "Lunchables" is a good name because it doesn't make any grandiose claims: "This is able to be eaten as lunch."

    • 455
    • FAVS
    pfffftwhateverAmigaRienteMcJoCakesOhighIsisbecabirdprettygoodyearSound_DeptAn_Seabhac
    • 121
    • RETWEETS
    McJoCakesbecabirdprettygoodyeartalelynnDamonHunzekergenesis99_SteveDutzyalanagrace
    jeanieville
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    2nd rule of Fight Club: If you bring a dish to share, put your name on it so you’ll be sure to get it back. Thanks and enjoy the fighting!

    • 432
    • FAVS
    barnesgiawickedimproperchesterscottyWoz8005thetobbieAmigaRienteJack_Wagon1BeccaPiano
    • 141
    • RETWEETS
    chesterscottythejodiesthbreaker9999rawwwwwwwwwwrrrjifdendekkeYourmomisdirtylovemypsychosisxSpaceShotx
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won't need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

    • 335
    • FAVS
    SteveDutzyElliUncensoredwmgradyharveydowd2002ShaistaJustinjudylp3447Kristinaperez17skbrettbug
    • 201
    • RETWEETS
    FireflyRaineElliUncensoredgoodjuju007DrivelodeonJedi_DaddyKHoppToItmceglinskiObscureTrevor
    bullfrog_1979
@JohnLyonTweets

@JohnLyonTweets

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