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  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Gift @JohnLyonTweets Favstar Pro to unlock their best tweet!Gift them Pro!

    • 4,587
    • LIKES
    jorgiko1999MrsmerkinRopeSaintfotofahKateWouldHaveItUpperCaseyCage_unlockedD_Droppin_Dimes
    • 4,085
    • RETWEETS
    fotofahAllan_M_MRopeSaintKateWouldHaveItCage_unlockedTelaAntkowiaksoumya_rajaGabriel_K__
    damakattacksquirrel74wkgnTups13__thejodiestdaemonic3
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

    • 2,596
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    msbhaven81trumpthechumpJoeManuttihippocroteezMorgankarlaurmumsausernameHiJCPartlop3
    • 2,547
    • RETWEETS
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    damakattackwickedimproperOfficeofSteveDeadLionessLazerPunchblitheringidiom__MzSweetcheeks_jeanievilleTheDailySchmuck
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

    • 2,682
    • LIKES
    volks__trumpthechumpEmeraldCityLuluricemilyluvsgingersMrJack5150Cage_unlockedataviststrilogy
    • 1,826
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    volks__trumpthechumpMrJack5150Cage_unlockedWildBilbooim1ru12RdrJay47Darlainky
    abrosenthalDrDweezil__MascaraBanditjazmastaPaperWashSwishergirl24ShaunRightNowTrigg3rHippiemaebemarblesTuxedoTigers
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Don't think of it as a cubicle. Think of it as a starter coffin.

    • 1,449
    • LIKES
    ShesAlwaysWriteGypsy624krista432SevernjacaDoctorPeterMDstartupkeedaa3sunzzzmsbhaven81
    • 932
    • RETWEETS
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    damakattackSarcasmo718TheTweetParrotGreeblehausCleverDudiMikosnycBlack__Elvislynyrdsbackyard
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

    • 1,449
    • LIKES
    msbhaven81trumpthechumpurmumsausernameCage_unlockedMomofMPTtheiasdadjuneohara65WildBilbo
    • 895
    • RETWEETS
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    MrsJekyllsHydeElaineBBfanHeatherLuvsYou
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

    • 1,161
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    trumpthechumphugo_agudourmumsausernamefotofahSmuttWhispererCage_unlockedGianfranco1975SykoLady
    • 787
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    DrDweezil__xSpaceShotxAndyAsAdjective
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

    • 1,115
    • LIKES
    msbhaven81trumpthechumpdebbiefromiowaGsauer16GrutesperanzaF_ScottTaftidgaf_987AnupKumarPatel8
    • 695
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    madamepotsteinDrDweezil__elroyejenkinsYour_Boy_Dylan
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

    *Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

    Well that sucked.

    • 1,049
    • LIKES
    msbhaven81trumpthechumpMrJack5150Cage_unlockedvolks__clindsayswayLoveNLunchmeatMr_Kapowski
    • 613
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  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    It must be tough to get people to read your emails if you really are a Nigerian prince.

    • 962
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    msbhaven81fotofahc0untduckulaFromMarstoNovemMrJack5150Cage_unlockedRobertCLairdcatsandkerouac
    • 479
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    BradBroaddusJamesCoolieDanKCharnleyBlack__Elvismiss_ogyny________
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.

    • 884
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    • 501
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    Mardigroan
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.

    • 744
    • LIKES
    trumpthechumpchrojo77hippocroteezsonofdicksonwhatdoyoudoduderootwoman123NickC46Patheticist
    • 470
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    Black__Elvisonelongbender__
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I can’t enjoy movie car chases. That fruit stand was some guy’s livelihood, man.

    • 779
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    iwearaonesieDrDweezil__ilgrandechucksarcazm2
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

    • 751
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    so_amused
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    If a woman looks sad, tell her "You'd be pretty if you smiled more" and you won't see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

    • 608
    • LIKES
    msbhaven81trumpthechumpDrBlazarCage_unlockedKimberlyKimeriaGutenbergerthic_teaimogenjayy
    • 465
    • RETWEETS
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  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Me: Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know.

    Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

    Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

    • 586
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    volks__trumpthechumpscott_towelMadisonMillerschrojo77greggoodman77kayleighpugetWittySassBasket
    • 454
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    ElgatoEsmio
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Friend: What time is it?
    Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
    Friend: Well?
    Me: Well what?

    • 639
    • LIKES
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    • 400
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    DrDweezil__krishna_van
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I'm never entirely sure we really made plans.

    • 586
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    msbhaven81trumpthechumpMrJack5150Cage_unlockedvolks__iwearaonesieCelebrityChezJacobSnakehole
    • 346
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    _CherriAnn_FatherWithTwinsMikeMcMikaelsonTangoEchoAlphaP__
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Don't regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

    Disregard this if you are in prison.

    • 470
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    CollaredMomCrazyLadyLoriHoneyBaaBaaBlaineBrucetrumpthechumpBeanWalrusFaerieGlamourCage_unlocked
    • 431
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    emmaines_509HoneyBaaBaaBlaineBruceAtifAmeen7Cage_unlockedvolks__Mr_KapowskiSleepyduDe420
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Thanks for telling me this is your "pet cat" because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

    • 554
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    QwertyJones3WheelTod
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I said to a friend, “How are you?” & he said “Good, how are you?” & I said “Good, how are you?’ because I don’t know how conversation works.

    • 563
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    trumpthechumploriamayanand00016WaluigiLoverMarciZedalliespinsCage_unlockedSteveDutzy
    • 276
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    cessperience
@JohnLyonTweets

@JohnLyonTweets

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