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  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

    • 2,056
    • FAVS
    lickmysassholetoofabulashAlisonUlrich1seanchai24megindapegSpankMeIm0tyLaniBenoKhrisWarhol
    • 1,373
    • RETWEETS
    toofabulashAlisonUlrich1lacybronze1SpankMeIm0tyLaniBenoAGreaterMonstersaraowen10SaertjeMirror
    abrosenthalDrDweezilMascaraBanditjazmastaPaperWashSwishergirl24ShaunRightNowTrigg3rHippiemaebemarblescyclingfiend74
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

    • 1,429
    • FAVS
    blanco_basuraseanchai24ChiefRocka75SpankMeIm0tyEFAmericanatinaissaamishschoolvxlk
    • 1,319
    • RETWEETS
    SpankMeIm0tyAHouse21alfsixamishschoolAhmedFakherrbravenewgrrrlAGreaterMonsterthe_mincess
    DeadLionessLazerPunchblitheringidiom__MzSweetcheeks_jeanievilleTheDailySchmuck
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

    • 1,247
    • FAVS
    IAmKashWahidiositySpankMeIm0tyNikoleRichard_DilemmaEmmaEmmaragingvettiReynardAGreaterMonster
    • 757
    • RETWEETS
    SpankMeIm0tyragingvetAGreaterMonsterdavesalois__spuddydave10Mind_fukkSocheemarBigBrianKimani
    MrsJekyllsHydeElaineBBfanHeatherLuvsYou
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Don't think of it as a cubicle. Think of it as a starter coffin.

    • 898
    • FAVS
    IAmKashWahSpankMeIm0tydollywhackerPurldCrazedJanebrownie495MtbkgrlYourDailyGross
    • 589
    • RETWEETS
    SpankMeIm0ty1BasillCrazedJaneMtbkgrlVicFuturektoabgrasshoppergirlLaniBeno
    TheTweetParrotGreeblehausseanx3iMikosnycBlack__Elvislynyrdsbackyard
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

    • 918
    • FAVS
    SpankMeIm0tyLaniBenoNikoleRichard_par_asdRonin6750kitchucklesTheRealAni93mrtruthandsoul
    • 533
    • RETWEETS
    BillythebuddhaMrsPurpleKush_JNastyyymrtruthandsoulY0uSaidWhatNowHannahomalyAGreaterMonsterthejodiest
    DrDweezilbrittarnettYour_Boy_Dylan
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

    *Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

    Well that sucked.

    • 896
    • FAVS
    IAmKashWahSpankMeIm0tyobligatemefalawfelkoapennockmarstadnykLaPorte_Danielcurlymalloy
    • 532
    • RETWEETS
    i_am_squidneyHannnaSofiaakingfridaymusicKhrisWarholWheelTodGenevieveIrenea_man_named_JEDJMooreComic
    KhrisWarholjrza84rickolanternstevetwarnerOtherDanOBriennicfit75
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    It must be tough to get people to read your emails if you really are a Nigerian prince.

    • 845
    • FAVS
    bmackenzie0IAmKashWahSpankMeIm0tyAmigaRienteTups13Jack_Wagon1bethanybillmanalbywizzy
    • 403
    • RETWEETS
    ShermanPartsSpankMeIm0tydavesalois__albywizzyKentWGrahamgefiltecatNdeshi_MOrWasIt
    JamesCoolieDanKCharnleyBlack__Elvismiss_ogyny________
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I can’t enjoy movie car chases. That fruit stand was some guy’s livelihood, man.

    • 717
    • FAVS
    bryceukkrissTpissTSpankMeIm0tyjsaffle1nattylumpo88WoodyLuvsCoffeeAmigaRientetracefromks1
    • 362
    • RETWEETS
    SpankMeIm0tydavesalois__sweetemmaroseecallmesokratesWoodyLuvsCoffeeTups13Kemie_08NickHLozito
    DrDweezililgrandechucksarcazm2
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Friend: What time is it?
    Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
    Friend: Well?
    Me: Well what?

    • 546
    • FAVS
    priyank_sharmaSpankMeIm0tyAllie705angieissoAmigaRienteWastedHomecomintracefromks1Tups13
    • 335
    • RETWEETS
    MyPhoneIsDrunkSpankMeIm0tyTups13MissMalbecGianDohPOETICandFUNNYrankingTweetsmarrusya6
    krishna_van
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

    • 565
    • FAVS
    lickmysassholetoofabulashrandombeersSpankMeIm0tyheffroatlargesherrymparkerTRBLmakerJBSunpoetique
    • 256
    • RETWEETS
    ONECTGIRLtoofabulashlacybronze1SpankMeIm0tyOverRitzsherrymparkerTRBLmakerJBSunpoetique
    so_amused
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

    • 448
    • FAVS
    seanchai24SpankMeIm0tyjsaffle1Allie705Piecezillasherrymparkerbobbiekay9Ira_murumi
    • 324
    • RETWEETS
    la020210TMLAROCKSpankMeIm0tydavesalois__angieissoOverRitzBobbiolsoncamstromstedt
    DrDweezilxSpaceShotxAndyAsAdjective
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I said to a friend, “How are you?” & he said “Good, how are you?” & I said “Good, how are you?’ because I don’t know how conversation works.

    • 492
    • FAVS
    IAmKashWahSpankMeIm0tyjsaffle1AmigaRienteJack_Wagon1BeccaPianoMissMalbeckasauda
    • 237
    • RETWEETS
    lacybronze1SpankMeIm0tymarrusya6mkm118TheRealRHBgeorge_manniebrighteyes_23krishna_van
    cessperience
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I'm never entirely sure we really made plans.

    • 446
    • FAVS
    IAmKashWahkrissTpissTidiositySpankMeIm0tyOutOnTheMoorsivorytowerYolandaRichard7Hypercraxy
    • 257
    • RETWEETS
    SpankMeIm0tyOutOnTheMoorsangieissoKentWGrahamkasaudaK__g_nV_g_nrawwwwwwwwwwrrrTheRealRHB
    _CherriAnn_FatherWithTwinsMikeMcMikaelsonTangoEchoAlphaP__
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.

    • 425
    • FAVS
    IAmKashWahSpankMeIm0tystefanojayLoveNLunchmeatBoo_berries_zoegemMarzombraMrJack5150
    • 180
    • RETWEETS
    davesalois__MarzombraMrJack5150lllvvvzzzalanagracejoekdublinSwaughnhilaryfairie
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    If a woman looks sad, tell her "You'd be pretty if you smiled more" and you won't see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

    • 325
    • FAVS
    SpankMeIm0tythejodiestJack_Wagon1Bad_EpisodecatgoesbarkCookiesTheJewDrivelodeonjlock17
    • 260
    • RETWEETS
    CookiesTheJewjlock17hoffenbrau51lizhurleycopyAbbyHasIssuesnohaengjabronactitleyRegina_Universe
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

    • 413
    • FAVS
    IAmKashWahjsaffle1WaggerdyJSoulYodelerr_wolfcastleratnerpSelenaWaltmanGianDoh
    • 171
    • RETWEETS
    r_wolfcastleLizshiksGianDohgefiltecatSarahAborubhbreaker9999Eaton_Beavermarrusya6
    DallyDoll
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Email subject line: "Your invited." Thanks, I'll bring an apostrophe and an e.

    • 359
    • FAVS
    IAmKashWahSoulYodelerPatWallacegeorgiendiranguGianDohJimiTechmanMind_fukkAmigaRiente
    • 216
    • RETWEETS
    PatWallaceGianDohMind_fukkMissMalbecomggusLittlestSlobononotthelizardBazarComedy
    visceral71TroyWidner________
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    2nd rule of Fight Club: If you bring a dish to share, put your name on it so you’ll be sure to get it back. Thanks and enjoy the fighting!

    • 430
    • FAVS
    chesterscottyWoz8005thetobbieAmigaRienteJack_Wagon1BeccaPianoKentWGrahamMissMalbec
    • 141
    • RETWEETS
    chesterscottythejodiesthbreaker9999rawwwwwwwwwwrrrjifdendekkeYourmomisdirtylovemypsychosisxSpaceShotx
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    "Lunchables" is a good name because it doesn't make any grandiose claims: "This is able to be eaten as lunch."

    • 439
    • FAVS
    jsaffle1missrickleytwilperAshland_xoxoxochristagwalkerDSLikesIttoopragmaticCopernicus_THM
    • 114
    • RETWEETS
    alanagracedardarrbinksWheelTodaisling_dunnDigiFluidSamuraiBatgirlSoulYodelerr_wolfcastle
    jeanieville
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

    • 319
    • FAVS
    thejodiestTups13Jack_Wagon1BeccaPianoKentWGrahamMissMalbeckasaudaWhoopdeedoo22
    • 180
    • RETWEETS
    OverRitzTups13KentWGrahamSoulinGrieveTheRealRHBSteveDutzyMsMielAbeilledcorbett75
    jakob_huber
@JohnLyonTweets

@JohnLyonTweets

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