I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

It must be tough to get people to read your emails if you really are a Nigerian prince.

Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

I can’t enjoy movie car chases. That fruit stand was some guy’s livelihood, man.

I said to a friend, “How are you?” & he said “Good, how are you?” & I said “Good, how are you?’ because I don’t know how conversation works.

I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

"Lunchables" is a good name because it doesn't make any grandiose claims: "This is able to be eaten as lunch."

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

2nd rule of Fight Club: If you bring a dish to share, put your name on it so you’ll be sure to get it back. Thanks and enjoy the fighting!

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.

Put $5 in a street performer's hat and then awkwardly retrieved it because he was just a guy having a seizure in the street.

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I'm never entirely sure we really made plans.

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.

“They made Gatsby into a movie with 3D effects and rap and rock music? FINALLY.”
-ghost of F. Scott Fitzgerald

Self-confidence tips:
1. Acquire dragons.
2. Kill foes.
3. Remember, it's OK not to be perfect.
4. Kill anyone who says you're not perfect.

Learn cursive, they said. You'll need it your whole life, they said.

I guess eBay brings out my competitive side.

Anyway, this $1,800 can of peas better be good.

I'm sure Dick's Sporting Goods has a website but I'm afraid to search for it.