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  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

    • 2,022
    • FAVS
    Skelemikavisceral71dxblarssonENGMsMielAbeillezannah_kAnemoneHegemonyMrJamesFeinbergSwollJoe69
    • 1,347
    • RETWEETS
    abbisahilvisceral71dxblarssonENGcindaaaaaithinkbessyjennmorin86twittle_blueDJCountry1
    DrDweezilMascaraBanditjazmastaPaperWashSwishergirl24ShaunRightNowTrigg3rHippiemaebemarblescyclingfiend74
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

    • 1,227
    • FAVS
    Skelemikavisceral71wabz2elvotisiPrakhar_ninjamoose101dxblarssonENGTomasTomba
    • 1,170
    • RETWEETS
    visceral71Richard_Mungawabz2iPrakhar_vinnie_tytazdxblarssonENGTomasTombaAlejawndruh
    DeadLionessLazerPunchblitheringidiom__MzSweetcheeks_jeanievilleTheDailySchmuck
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

    • 1,209
    • FAVS
    visceral71Heart_chooStefJoKFarrenkopfspikeinthemidgecpsempledxblarssonENGPaupardJohn
    • 734
    • RETWEETS
    visceral71Heart_chooKFarrenkopfcpsempledxblarssonENGMsMielAbeilleSonia_of_life_reTHICKulous
    MrsJekyllsHydeElaineBBfanHeatherLuvsYou
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

    • 882
    • FAVS
    visceral71MsMielAbeilleFickle_FillyJM4NN13jessilylesonelongbendergreg_veePowKaPowBoom
    • 514
    • RETWEETS
    visceral71MsMielAbeilleJM4NN13PowKaPowBoomkrishna_vanHunnerGoMeowun1xphyscoRestenfield
    brittarnettYour_Boy_Dylan
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    It must be tough to get people to read your emails if you really are a Nigerian prince.

    • 810
    • FAVS
    visceral71MsMielAbeilleMeems_MemesFickle_FillyJM4NN13jessilylesonelongbendergreg_vee
    • 388
    • RETWEETS
    visceral71greg_veePowKaPowBoomThatBrennakrishna_vanJIMBOSWELTSmileSamoreun1xphysco
    JamesCoolieDanKCharnleyBlack__Elvismiss_ogyny________
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Don't think of it as a cubicle. Think of it as a starter coffin.

    • 702
    • FAVS
    visceral71MsMielAbeilleHtown49erFanalexvanceJustJulieinOHFickle_Fillythochamishschool
    • 453
    • RETWEETS
    visceral71JustJulieinOHamishschool_runningshort2AlanRowothpwcJM4NN13gannonburgett
    Greeblehausseanx3iMikosnycBlack__Elvislynyrdsbackyard
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

    *Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

    Well that sucked.

    • 646
    • FAVS
    Skelemikavisceral71LindaInDisguiseX_traStoutdrummin_foolSamuelHLoweBeamskeBingMinus
    • 384
    • RETWEETS
    visceral71misterbristlessumbodysbabygrlHITLERSLEGHAIRstevie28wonderdrummin_foolSamuelHLoweBingMinus
    jrza84rickolanternstevetwarnerOtherDanOBriennicfit75
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I can’t enjoy movie car chases. That fruit stand was some guy’s livelihood, man.

    • 656
    • FAVS
    Akanishtavisceral71MsMielAbeilleFickle_FillyJM4NN13onelongbenderbright_eyes_23tsnerdcrafts
    • 322
    • RETWEETS
    visceral71shamroxmysoxJay1972JayFriskyandFeistyGodivaInBluechimp_chumpThatBrennakrishna_van
    ilgrandechucksarcazm2
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Friend: What time is it?
    Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
    Friend: Well?
    Me: Well what?

    • 521
    • FAVS
    visceral71MsMielAbeilleHiddenPinkyMeems_MemesFickle_FillyJM4NN13onelongbenderbright_eyes_23
    • 326
    • RETWEETS
    JM4NN13bright_eyes_23krishna_vanRestenfieldhunz74DeadLionessScott_A_GilmoreSandraRNWriter
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

    • 538
    • FAVS
    MsMielAbeilleFickle_FillyJM4NN13onelongbenderkrishna_vanJIMBOSWELTun1xphyscofletchworld73
    • 242
    • RETWEETS
    JM4NN13JJ_Longhornkrishna_vanBob_JankeSocialChalleng1AmyLee_Wjifdendekkeerrdayhustlah
    so_amused
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I said to a friend, “How are you?” & he said “Good, how are you?” & I said “Good, how are you?’ because I don’t know how conversation works.

    • 478
    • FAVS
    visceral71Meems_MemesFickle_FillyJM4NN13onelongbenderHatimdahodbright_eyes_23krishna_van
    • 232
    • RETWEETS
    JM4NN13bright_eyes_23krishna_vanJIMBOSWELTits_trishOkNowRunpeter_mccorkellErrenMichaels
    cessperience
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

    • 396
    • FAVS
    AmBunyardMerleWJRvisceral71MsMielAbeilleHiddenPinkyMeems_MemesFickle_Fillymikefofficial
    • 289
    • RETWEETS
    micalykatMerleWJRvisceral71Meems_MemesmikefofficialJM4NN13fah_q_buddiedshack8
    DrDweezilxSpaceShotxAndyAsAdjective
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I'm never entirely sure we really made plans.

    • 420
    • FAVS
    MerleWJRvisceral71MsMielAbeilleonelongbenderkrishna_vanJIMBOSWELThistwaddlelovemypsychosis
    • 249
    • RETWEETS
    HarryBallzak1MerleWJRvisceral71bright_eyes_23JIMBOSWELTOkNowRunDELPHINUS44eliserose5
    _CherriAnn_FatherWithTwinsMikeMcMikaelsonTangoEchoAlphaP__
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    2nd rule of Fight Club: If you bring a dish to share, put your name on it so you’ll be sure to get it back. Thanks and enjoy the fighting!

    • 417
    • FAVS
    visceral71MsMielAbeilleFickle_Fillyonelongbenderbright_eyes_23krishna_vanJIMBOSWELTun1xphysco
    • 137
    • RETWEETS
    jifdendekkeYourmomisdirtylovemypsychosisxSpaceShotxbreely216beerito_JacobSandersArtBRudlaff
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

    • 386
    • FAVS
    visceral71MsMielAbeilleMeems_MemesFickle_Fillyonelongbenderkrishna_vanJIMBOSWELTSocialChalleng1
    • 163
    • RETWEETS
    MsMielAbeillebright_eyes_23krishna_vanits_trishYumi_AmaranteLiisaTSNeuronicismSinnerEllaDeVil
    DallyDoll
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    If a woman looks sad, tell her "You'd be pretty if you smiled more" and you won't see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

    • 293
    • FAVS
    lllvvvzzzMsMielAbeillejennslynFickle_FillyHeyZeus666ToniBethsakshi91singhThBigBingTheory
    • 249
    • RETWEETS
    Bashi_DeeVictoriaStarmansteve_condraRiyaJayJohnsakshi91singhmejustbethTampaBayMommaAphroditeAfter5
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Email subject line: "Your invited." Thanks, I'll bring an apostrophe and an e.

    • 324
    • FAVS
    ellenmcricsempsychogoddessvisceral71MsMielAbeilleFickle_Fillyonelongbenderbright_eyes_23
    • 200
    • RETWEETS
    WomanlyWomanvisceral71UGANDANCRAZYits_trishGamersRespawnChevo_MqzfractaljackalTheAlexNevil
    visceral71TroyWidner________
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.

    • 370
    • FAVS
    visceral71MsMielAbeilleHiddenPinkyMeems_MemesFickle_Fillyonelongbenderbright_eyes_23krishna_van
    • 147
    • RETWEETS
    visceral71Meems_Memesbright_eyes_23steve_condraRandomAnticsgreggorrio_miawkoueScrambledMceggs
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

    • 305
    • FAVS
    ODeadInsideSteveDutzyMsMielAbeilledcorbett75ScrambledMceggsHatimdahodbright_eyes_23krishna_van
    • 175
    • RETWEETS
    SteveDutzyMsMielAbeilledcorbett75wytonwytScott_A_GilmoreWhatevaConcbright_eyes_23histwaddle
    jakob_huber
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won't need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

    • 299
    • FAVS
    visceral71MsMielAbeillebright_eyes_23krishna_vanJIMBOSWELTun1xphyscoBob_JankeSocialChalleng1
    • 180
    • RETWEETS
    visceral71SocialChalleng1histwaddleUGANDANCRAZYSofKonaris_rigasits_trishStnkyWeaslTeets
    bullfrog_1979
@JohnLyonTweets

@JohnLyonTweets

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