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Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Don't think of it as a cubicle. Think of it as a starter coffin.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
It must be tough to get people to read your emails if you really are a Nigerian prince.
I can’t enjoy movie car chases. That fruit stand was some guy’s livelihood, man.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Me: Well what?
If a woman looks sad, tell her "You'd be pretty if you smiled more" and you won't see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I'm never entirely sure we really made plans.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
I said to a friend, “How are you?” & he said “Good, how are you?” & I said “Good, how are you?’ because I don’t know how conversation works.
Tips for improving concentration:
-Make a list of tasks.
-Take on one task at a time.
-Take On Me was a fun song.
-Ooh I found the video.
No, you can't have candy for breakfast. Don't be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.
Email subject line: "Your invited." Thanks, I'll bring an apostrophe and an e.
"Lunchables" is a good name because it doesn't make any grandiose claims: "This is able to be eaten as lunch."
This mind intentionally left blank.
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