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Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Don't think of it as a cubicle. Think of it as a starter coffin.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
It must be tough to get people to read your emails if you really are a Nigerian prince.
I can’t enjoy movie car chases. That fruit stand was some guy’s livelihood, man.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Me: Well what?
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
I said to a friend, “How are you?” & he said “Good, how are you?” & I said “Good, how are you?’ because I don’t know how conversation works.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I'm never entirely sure we really made plans.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.
If a woman looks sad, tell her "You'd be pretty if you smiled more" and you won't see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Email subject line: "Your invited." Thanks, I'll bring an apostrophe and an e.
2nd rule of Fight Club: If you bring a dish to share, put your name on it so you’ll be sure to get it back. Thanks and enjoy the fighting!
"Lunchables" is a good name because it doesn't make any grandiose claims: "This is able to be eaten as lunch."
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won't need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.