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Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Don't think of it as a cubicle. Think of it as a starter coffin.
I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Me: Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
It must be tough to get people to read your emails if you really are a Nigerian prince.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
If a woman looks sad, tell her "You'd be pretty if you smiled more" and you won't see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
I can’t enjoy movie car chases. That fruit stand was some guy’s livelihood, man.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Me: Well what?
Thanks for telling me this is your "pet cat" because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I'm never entirely sure we really made plans.
Don't regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I said to a friend, “How are you?” & he said “Good, how are you?” & I said “Good, how are you?’ because I don’t know how conversation works.
This mind intentionally left blank. http://twitter.com/search?q=from%3Ajohnlyontweets
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