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  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

    • 2,079
    • FAVS
    KatieBurnettjsibbyKendrickBrinsonHellisWorthitSharkfartzBurkeyCatlinTheCattyLadyJuicedballs
    • 1,384
    • RETWEETS
    HellisWorthitTheCattyLadyJuicedballsarysto2tellHannibal_BaggaNitaFBDOdodd_blisschris_gauvin
    abrosenthalDrDweezilMascaraBanditjazmastaPaperWashSwishergirl24ShaunRightNowTrigg3rHippiemaebemarblescyclingfiend74
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

    • 1,590
    • FAVS
    KatieBurnettHellisWorthitDanny_Parisi_JakeMcDooSharkfartznakedlaughingRoman_burgeRJuicedballs
    • 1,433
    • RETWEETS
    SharkfartzPhilSeasJuicedballsMons_yapmerenlanchesterscottyPerth_Toppiebrskyrme
    OfficeofSteveDeadLionessLazerPunchblitheringidiom__MzSweetcheeks_jeanievilleTheDailySchmuck
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

    • 1,277
    • FAVS
    KatieBurnettHellisWorthitBalloonMerchantmuscleophagusJuicedballswickedimproperKHoppToItPetrickSara
    • 776
    • RETWEETS
    FrenchTiklaJuicedballsLauraWh49345929McCutty1GlaabTrappsych0ciaralilgapeach32__dadamantium__
    MrsJekyllsHydeElaineBBfanHeatherLuvsYou
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

    *Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

    Well that sucked.

    • 986
    • FAVS
    ChadwickRowanboyleb67Meems_MemestoastyveeSSourblondieBY1959hythemafiaAsYouNotWish
    • 586
    • RETWEETS
    Meems_MemesSSourblondieBY1959hythemafiakangaroosushiGeoroyorheaxoxxPirateLCH
    KatieBurnettKhrisWarholjrza84rickolanternstevetwarnerOtherDanOBriennicfit75
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Don't think of it as a cubicle. Think of it as a starter coffin.

    • 933
    • FAVS
    dkhamiltoncomicKatieBurnettPrettiestPleaseHellisWorthitSharkfartzwritermikeSnarkyLemurmuscleophagus
    • 616
    • RETWEETS
    TheresthatbearSharkfartzspiringcrazymuscleophagusjeffreypicotteRay_Gun007Juicedballsthesocialbeast
    TheTweetParrotGreeblehausSeanX3iMikosnycBlack__Elvislynyrdsbackyard
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

    • 943
    • FAVS
    AsYouNotWishchitownjimmyxoxSexyRexy8LoveryoulooklikeamomKaroonKiaEdDJGexdoindrugsfragmentarygirl
    • 553
    • RETWEETS
    WhitehawkJokerSexyRexy8LoverKaroonKiaEdDJGexreneee_eatonSibemolYrheaxoxxGiffRicci
    DrDweezilbrittarnettYour_Boy_Dylan
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    It must be tough to get people to read your emails if you really are a Nigerian prince.

    • 852
    • FAVS
    KatieBurnettJuicedballswickedimproperLance_Said_Thisdadamantium__Donna_McCoy67orbustbmackenzie0
    • 406
    • RETWEETS
    jeffreypicotteJuicedballsestattinShermanPartsSpankMeIm0tydavesalois__albywizzyKentWGraham
    JamesCoolieDanKCharnleyBlack__Elvismiss_ogyny________
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I can’t enjoy movie car chases. That fruit stand was some guy’s livelihood, man.

    • 727
    • FAVS
    ShaeAaronBonniferCJuicedballswickedimproperLance_Said_Thisdadamantium__Donna_McCoysassy_fuchs
    • 364
    • RETWEETS
    jeffreypicotteJuicedballssassy_fuchssquirrel74wkgnSpankMeIm0tydavesalois__sweetemmaroseecallmesokrates
    DrDweezililgrandechucksarcazm2
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

    • 640
    • FAVS
    NathanArkchullymortonaeniez2_Mins_Hateawesome_imranJulesJuliettarayyyychLerbsyCherbs
    • 306
    • RETWEETS
    debleech12AizatSaysnajwotPai_CheunLangJulesJuliettarayyyychethnovHenry_3k
    so_amused
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Friend: What time is it?
    Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
    Friend: Well?
    Me: Well what?

    • 579
    • FAVS
    MichiganManuelemilypiffyJuicedballsjannalifedayRudnitzkyDorotaartlop3MK_StephensWoodyLuvsCoffee
    • 356
    • RETWEETS
    Juicedballsartlop3PresidentSmith1WoodyLuvsCoffeeMK_ShenanigansDonna_McCoycoteri11underthetoe
    DrDweezilkrishna_van
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

    • 451
    • FAVS
    Juicedballs4bodingAmydmarielilgapeach32__TheSuperParentsdadamantium__jacksparrowsdadseanchai24
    • 326
    • RETWEETS
    Juicedballslilgapeach32__dadamantium__la020210TMLAROCKSpankMeIm0tydavesalois__angieisso
    DrDweezilxSpaceShotxAndyAsAdjective
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I said to a friend, “How are you?” & he said “Good, how are you?” & I said “Good, how are you?’ because I don’t know how conversation works.

    • 495
    • FAVS
    emilypiffyJuicedballsdadamantium__IAmKashWahSpankMeIm0tyjsaffle1AmigaRienteJack_Wagon1
    • 238
    • RETWEETS
    Juicedballslacybronze1SpankMeIm0tymarrusya6mkm118TheRealRHBshamelessuspectbrxghteyesgirl
    cessperience
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I'm never entirely sure we really made plans.

    • 450
    • FAVS
    ElliUncensoredSunLightBroKHoppToItdadamantium__IAmKashWahkrissTpissTidiositySpankMeIm0ty
    • 259
    • RETWEETS
    ElliUncensoredKHoppToItSpankMeIm0tyOutOnTheMoorsangieissoKentWGrahamkasaudaK__g_nV_g_n
    _CherriAnn_FatherWithTwinsMikeMcMikaelsonTangoEchoAlphaP__
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

    • 435
    • FAVS
    krismith4peter_tanptinnernectargerriDarceyccnomadBeccae20goatlady84KatarinaFo
    • 180
    • RETWEETS
    ccnomadGinaBecker111Tisilkiner1FuneralwomanKathy_Cooperman18sydneyStnkyWeaslTeetsjlock17
    DallyDoll
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.

    • 429
    • FAVS
    Lance_Said_Thisjahan_tysonKHoppToItdadamantium__IAmKashWahSpankMeIm0tystefanojayLoveNLunchmeat
    • 182
    • RETWEETS
    Jedi_DaddyKHoppToItdavesalois__MarzombraMrJack5150lllvvvzzzalanagracejoekdublin
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    If a woman looks sad, tell her "You'd be pretty if you smiled more" and you won't see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

    • 333
    • FAVS
    juztepDarkTallBastardjki_amdubwolCNstilettosmichellecohlruraljulesNiceLittleWife
    • 267
    • RETWEETS
    juztepDarkTallBastardjki_amdanmatthews67leishugaGoneInTheMornmelissraxo4boding
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Email subject line: "Your invited." Thanks, I'll bring an apostrophe and an e.

    • 363
    • FAVS
    wickedimproperKHoppToItdadamantium__67orbustIAmKashWahSoulYodelerPatWallacegeorgiendirangu
    • 216
    • RETWEETS
    PatWallaceGianDohMind_fukkMissMalbecomggusLittlestSlobononotthelizardBazarComedy
    visceral71__TroyWidner________
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    2nd rule of Fight Club: If you bring a dish to share, put your name on it so you’ll be sure to get it back. Thanks and enjoy the fighting!

    • 431
    • FAVS
    wickedimproperchesterscottyWoz8005thetobbieAmigaRienteJack_Wagon1BeccaPianoKentWGraham
    • 141
    • RETWEETS
    chesterscottythejodiesthbreaker9999rawwwwwwwwwwrrrjifdendekkeYourmomisdirtylovemypsychosisxSpaceShotx
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    "Lunchables" is a good name because it doesn't make any grandiose claims: "This is able to be eaten as lunch."

    • 441
    • FAVS
    dadamantium__67orbustjsaffle1missrickleytwilperAshland_xoxoxochristagwalkerDSLikesIt
    • 114
    • RETWEETS
    alanagracedardarrbinksWheelTodaisling_dunnDigiFluidSamuraiBatgirlSoulYodelerr_wolfcastle
    jeanieville
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won't need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

    • 335
    • FAVS
    SteveDutzyElliUncensoredwmgradyharveydowd2002ShaistaJustinjudylp3447Kristinaperez17skbrettbug
    • 201
    • RETWEETS
    FireflyRaineElliUncensoredgoodjuju007DrivelodeonJedi_DaddyKHoppToItmceglinskiObscureTrevor
    bullfrog_1979
@JohnLyonTweets

@JohnLyonTweets

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