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Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
It must be tough to get people to read your emails if you really are a Nigerian prince.
I can’t enjoy movie car chases. That fruit stand was some guy’s livelihood, man.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Me: Well what?
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
I said to a friend, “How are you?” & he said “Good, how are you?” & I said “Good, how are you?’ because I don’t know how conversation works.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I'm never entirely sure we really made plans.
2nd rule of Fight Club: If you bring a dish to share, put your name on it so you’ll be sure to get it back. Thanks and enjoy the fighting!
Email subject line: "Your invited." Thanks, I'll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
"Lunchables" is a good name because it doesn't make any grandiose claims: "This is able to be eaten as lunch."
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won't need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn't on my coupon.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I’m good at stretching words out to absurd lengths, but do I get any credit for it? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo