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  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Gift @JohnLyonTweets Favstar Pro to unlock their best tweet!Gift them Pro!

    • 4,726
    • LIKES
    jencoodyhanaciousJenRayTheSolClarke420hipchickinsdstellaandmehanoiheroinnatechartier1
    • 4,166
    • RETWEETS
    JimBeam451JenRaynotmeganfields420hipchickinsdnatechartier1ThisIsUEChoedeehoedd9000
    damakattacksquirrel74wkgnTups13thejodiestdaemonic3
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

    • 2,700
    • LIKES
    Its_Me_CaitlynMSC6653ricky_dobbsnoahthehickeygillxinedomesticdiva242san_simnatechartier1
    • 2,608
    • RETWEETS
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    El_nacho_NigredamakattackwickedimproperOfficeofSteveDeadLionessLazerPunchblitheringidiom__MzSweetcheeks_jeanievilleTheDailySchmuck
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

    • 2,757
    • LIKES
    jsallysalCaitlynKafkaDailyDileoJenRayTheSolClarkedomesticdiva242san_simTheHassman44
    • 1,859
    • RETWEETS
    JimBeam451DailyDileonatechartier1hoedeehoeI_DisdainLisabug74SweetNan1CourtRundell
    damakattackabrosenthalDrDweezil__MascaraBanditjazmastaPaperWashSwishergirl24ShaunRightNowTrigg3rHippiemaebemarblesTuxedoTigers
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Me: Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know.

    Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

    Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

    • 1,578
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    JackBerisRobbi123ServeTheTruthJCJCarolinemomofguppiesZombeeSteemMavoSthecasanova_kara
    • 1,142
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  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Don't think of it as a cubicle. Think of it as a starter coffin.

    • 1,519
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    MavoStheetoilelointaineMIS41229cris10taymichelledeverormitchellokatzMeOwZ777777RockmanHalo
    • 986
    • RETWEETS
    MavoSthepointtarynMIS41229ShehzraeDonna_McCoyJacobSnakeholeAwesome_ToddMsGreenGoddess
    damakattackSarcasmo718__TheTweetParrotGreeblehausCleverDudiMikosnycBlack__Elvislynyrdsbackyard
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

    • 1,460
    • LIKES
    MavoStheTombeiBrasilAwesome_ToddSCBamaManMsGreenGoddessCharsleySarahlisakitterHomeProbably
    • 901
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  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

    • 1,251
    • LIKES
    ZombeeSteemMavoStheDonna_McCoyMsGreenGoddessAwesome_Toddnthall350HollyMemphisstasiakeita
    • 836
    • RETWEETS
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  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

    • 1,150
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    MavoStheMsGreenGoddessAwesome_Toddshipwreckseantimjo757FoxByteXxsatanprettymuchnthall350
    • 714
    • RETWEETS
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    madamepotsteinDrDweezil__elroyejenkinsYour_Boy_Dylan
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

    *Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

    Well that sucked.

    • 1,134
    • LIKES
    HighbeamshoesKay_SherriJWittstocksolommboppositeofalexesavlinDeCosterKenmatthewbaldwin
    • 664
    • RETWEETS
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  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    It must be tough to get people to read your emails if you really are a Nigerian prince.

    • 1,032
    • LIKES
    sleepingbeauteaVoice_by_EllaMavoStheBigMedwardsxandra85Queen_Ricky22dubairandidenis_goulet
    • 518
    • RETWEETS
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    BradBroaddusJamesCoolieDanKCharnleyBlack__Elvismiss_ogyny________
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.

    • 872
    • LIKES
    brianlong72SondraDeeMeoshun_oyajdjeffersskitzoetteamandajpandaKidsAreDorksLindaBariSax
    • 567
    • RETWEETS
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  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.

    • 907
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    • 511
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  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I can’t enjoy movie car chases. That fruit stand was some guy’s livelihood, man.

    • 940
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    • 475
    • RETWEETS
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  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

    • 856
    • LIKES
    ryandoboshSummerCandyEyesMom_OverboardCRAZYMO_BLKHEADparadox_tlcsabres1617Shaman_Of_SexyyBentleytheDog
    • 438
    • RETWEETS
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    Darlainkyso_amused
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    If a woman looks sad, tell her "You'd be pretty if you smiled more" and you won't see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

    • 689
    • LIKES
    MavoStheMsGreenGoddessNick_Aryadizackakazaimfuzahkifli_ZakiMarzukishtqnedakippish_
    • 543
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    HollyMemphis
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Thanks for telling me this is your "pet cat" because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

    • 709
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    Defiant_DollCravenCassandraTomPechillonoriker26Arman64892742hello_saylorChuckk_Tbermwalker
    • 413
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    QwertyJones3WheelTod
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Friend: What time is it?
    Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
    Friend: Well?
    Me: Well what?

    • 647
    • LIKES
    MsGreenGoddessFeatheredFreyjaSteveDutzyAwesome_Todddonholley0stacywawa1hero_squirrelEl_nacho_Nigre
    • 403
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    DrDweezil__krishna_van
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I'm never entirely sure we really made plans.

    • 633
    • LIKES
    TheBoyInTheBootthemummymarginbgmclennandlasantosbaseballchickiejcgreenBad_Episodejasonkabram
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    _CherriAnn_FatherWithTwinsMikeMcMikaelsonTangoEchoAlphaP__
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Don't regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

    Disregard this if you are in prison.

    • 486
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    SCBamaManmollyramptonHoldawayIandonholley0stacywawa1kat_mom_entstwylaredsunanglesnachez
    • 440
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  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    No, you can't have candy for breakfast. Don't be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.

    • 505
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    Eves1drunkmnmMsGreenGoddessdew_luluJeremyAFreedjimmybyucalvinthe_boldazsunbummm
    • 362
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    LinajkReturns
@JohnLyonTweets

@JohnLyonTweets

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