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  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

    • 2,064
    • FAVS
    TweTrostrangerbabbleminnie_in_pink7hollybear61Donna_McCoyMelissaMcRee75WhtUReallyMeanAndrea__B__
    • 1,376
    • RETWEETS
    madeleinedouxwhisperedesiresminnie_in_pink7Donna_McCoysanclemente_94WhtUReallyMeanAlyxGardnerKMayfield77
    abrosenthalDrDweezilMascaraBanditjazmastaPaperWashSwishergirl24ShaunRightNowTrigg3rHippiemaebemarblescyclingfiend74
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

    • 1,557
    • FAVS
    Donna_McCoygamegirl7200BCDoraShaniePrieLovelyLaRick1NiteNtheHamptsTheBeardedBrianaferg12
    • 1,392
    • RETWEETS
    weffy93ShaniePrieJ_Davies77historicbuildcoliddiardjonredsaraheadWallyDadMintyGr33n
    DeadLionessLazerPunchblitheringidiom__MzSweetcheeks_jeanievilleTheDailySchmuck
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

    • 1,263
    • FAVS
    Donna_McCoyMentalMistercajaspal_singhJaeMar68parupaaj67orbustlucidchemistryStaceeeeeyyyyy
    • 768
    • RETWEETS
    MentalMisterthenickideecajaspal_singhJaeMar68parupaajmslizcaitlinlucidchemistryfavstar_history
    MrsJekyllsHydeElaineBBfanHeatherLuvsYou
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Don't think of it as a cubicle. Think of it as a starter coffin.

    • 913
    • FAVS
    Donna_McCoyTMWrenchTheRomanParkerAnnMitchellMcDdavegramanaJeanieMacIsaac_zazaz_Kappa_Kappa
    • 602
    • RETWEETS
    AnnMitchellMcDAustin_Hodgens_zazaz_buddhacanvaskarenkalireighBadWolfloverTangltweetsRusttyIsMyName
    TheTweetParrotGreeblehausseanx3iMikosnycBlack__Elvislynyrdsbackyard
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

    *Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

    Well that sucked.

    • 935
    • FAVS
    Donna_McCoyHoldyoucloser13daniel_frijolesKappa_KappaMyNextVictimsoonerick76_btrc_freebird99_
    • 558
    • RETWEETS
    larrydbarberMyNextVictim96bhhbeefman138asajeremyjuliepie76Nictosfive_in_tokyo
    KhrisWarholjrza84rickolanternstevetwarnerOtherDanOBriennicfit75
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

    • 923
    • FAVS
    Donna_McCoyKappa_Kappalucy_nyholm12367orbustlucidchemistrySpankMeIm0tyLaniBenoNikoleRichard_
    • 536
    • RETWEETS
    lucy_nyholm12367orbustlucidchemistryBillythebuddhaMrsPurpleKush_JNastyyymrtruthandsoulY0uSaidWhatNow
    DrDweezilbrittarnettYour_Boy_Dylan
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    It must be tough to get people to read your emails if you really are a Nigerian prince.

    • 847
    • FAVS
    Donna_McCoy67orbustbmackenzie0IAmKashWahSpankMeIm0tyAmigaRienteTups13Jack_Wagon1
    • 403
    • RETWEETS
    ShermanPartsSpankMeIm0tydavesalois__albywizzyKentWGrahamgefiltecatNdeshi_MOrWasIt
    JamesCoolieDanKCharnleyBlack__Elvismiss_ogyny________
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I can’t enjoy movie car chases. That fruit stand was some guy’s livelihood, man.

    • 721
    • FAVS
    Donna_McCoysassy_fuchs67orbustLaniBenobryceukkrissTpissTSpankMeIm0tyjsaffle1
    • 363
    • RETWEETS
    sassy_fuchssquirrel74wkgnSpankMeIm0tydavesalois__sweetemmaroseecallmesokratesWoodyLuvsCoffeeTups13
    DrDweezililgrandechucksarcazm2
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Friend: What time is it?
    Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
    Friend: Well?
    Me: Well what?

    • 568
    • FAVS
    MK_Shenanigansmejiwahollybear61Donna_McCoykratosfrostbitecoteri11underthetoeolievl
    • 352
    • RETWEETS
    MK_ShenanigansDonna_McCoycoteri11underthetoeolievlLoliOssrablamingboredomVikeeysSecret
    DrDweezilkrishna_van
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

    • 574
    • FAVS
    Donna_McCoy67orbustKhalilsaad7OneOfTheseNitesCCLTamifemmenormaleSirenKn1ghtLazySavior
    • 261
    • RETWEETS
    ashwinrhegdeTisBestWithBKhalilsaad7FarahNasr1SamuelHLoweONECTGIRLtoofabulashlacybronze1
    so_amused
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

    • 448
    • FAVS
    jacksparrowsdadseanchai24SpankMeIm0tyjsaffle1Allie705Piecezillasherrymparkerbobbiekay9
    • 324
    • RETWEETS
    la020210TMLAROCKSpankMeIm0tydavesalois__angieissoOverRitzBobbiolsoncamstromstedt
    DrDweezilxSpaceShotxAndyAsAdjective
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I said to a friend, “How are you?” & he said “Good, how are you?” & I said “Good, how are you?’ because I don’t know how conversation works.

    • 492
    • FAVS
    IAmKashWahSpankMeIm0tyjsaffle1AmigaRienteJack_Wagon1BeccaPianoMissMalbeckasauda
    • 237
    • RETWEETS
    lacybronze1SpankMeIm0tymarrusya6mkm118TheRealRHBgeorge_manniebrighteyes_23krishna_van
    cessperience
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I'm never entirely sure we really made plans.

    • 446
    • FAVS
    IAmKashWahkrissTpissTidiositySpankMeIm0tyOutOnTheMoorsivorytowerYolandaRichard7Hypercraxy
    • 257
    • RETWEETS
    SpankMeIm0tyOutOnTheMoorsangieissoKentWGrahamkasaudaK__g_nV_g_nrawwwwwwwwwwrrrTheRealRHB
    _CherriAnn_FatherWithTwinsMikeMcMikaelsonTangoEchoAlphaP__
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.

    • 425
    • FAVS
    IAmKashWahSpankMeIm0tystefanojayLoveNLunchmeatBoo_berries_zoegemMarzombraMrJack5150
    • 180
    • RETWEETS
    davesalois__MarzombraMrJack5150lllvvvzzzalanagracejoekdublinSwaughnhilaryfairie
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

    • 421
    • FAVS
    JLazySAngus18sydneyJoshuaFlailStnkyWeaslTeetsDreedlesMcGeeBethsButtjlock1767orbust
    • 175
    • RETWEETS
    18sydneyStnkyWeaslTeetsjlock1767orbustr_wolfcastleLizshiksGianDohgefiltecat
    DallyDoll
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    If a woman looks sad, tell her "You'd be pretty if you smiled more" and you won't see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

    • 326
    • FAVS
    67orbustSpankMeIm0tythejodiestJack_Wagon1Bad_EpisodecatgoesbarkCookiesTheJewDrivelodeon
    • 260
    • RETWEETS
    CookiesTheJewjlock17hoffenbrau51lizhurleycopyAbbyHasIssuesnohaengjabronactitleyRegina_Universe
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Email subject line: "Your invited." Thanks, I'll bring an apostrophe and an e.

    • 360
    • FAVS
    67orbustIAmKashWahSoulYodelerPatWallacegeorgiendiranguGianDohJimiTechmanMind_fukk
    • 216
    • RETWEETS
    PatWallaceGianDohMind_fukkMissMalbecomggusLittlestSlobononotthelizardBazarComedy
    visceral71TroyWidner________
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    2nd rule of Fight Club: If you bring a dish to share, put your name on it so you’ll be sure to get it back. Thanks and enjoy the fighting!

    • 430
    • FAVS
    chesterscottyWoz8005thetobbieAmigaRienteJack_Wagon1BeccaPianoKentWGrahamMissMalbec
    • 141
    • RETWEETS
    chesterscottythejodiesthbreaker9999rawwwwwwwwwwrrrjifdendekkeYourmomisdirtylovemypsychosisxSpaceShotx
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    "Lunchables" is a good name because it doesn't make any grandiose claims: "This is able to be eaten as lunch."

    • 440
    • FAVS
    67orbustjsaffle1missrickleytwilperAshland_xoxoxochristagwalkerDSLikesIttoopragmatic
    • 114
    • RETWEETS
    alanagracedardarrbinksWheelTodaisling_dunnDigiFluidSamuraiBatgirlSoulYodelerr_wolfcastle
    jeanieville
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won't need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

    • 321
    • FAVS
    ObscureTrevorDarkerWillowamazymay72xskullpuppy11lllvvvzzzpfoagainhoodiehiderTheObscureGents
    • 193
    • RETWEETS
    mceglinskiObscureTrevorburchislurkingamazymay72xlllvvvzzzvhandzupfoagainDeadLioness
    bullfrog_1979
@JohnLyonTweets

@JohnLyonTweets

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