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  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

    • 1,862
    • FAVS
    soltysjdcourcheenatedog2049KryseybLackOfShamejimmyando36DadLiesabsolutebailCA
    • 1,226
    • RETWEETS
    funTweetersLackOfShameandrew_salamoneiwearaonesieWilljGeorgebadboyversionsamdoyle__buttcrunchy
    MascaraBanditjazmastaPaperWashSwishergirl24ShaunRightNowTrigg3rHippiemaebemarblescyclingfiend74
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

    • 1,092
    • FAVS
    natedog2049HFairclothshshutyourmouthKryseybLackOfShameTrixtopherDukeiwearaonesieWilljGeorge
    • 659
    • RETWEETS
    LackOfShameMSWard52RanaHojeijsnarky_massholeTrixtopherDukeiwearaonesieiLikeCatShirtsmeg0brien
    MrsJekyllsHydeElaineBBfanHeatherLuvsYou
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

    • 866
    • FAVS
    natedog2049GoodGirlByNightLackOfShameDadLiesJacqueJoyy0709ChemicalClarityLousyBastardWilljGeorge
    • 785
    • RETWEETS
    natedog2049MataMoscazGoodGirlByNightLackOfShameChemicalClarityLousyBastardWilljGeorgeAstrid_yourgirl
    LazerPunchblitheringidiom__MzSweetcheeks_jeanievilleTheDailySchmuck
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

    • 788
    • FAVS
    natedog2049iwearaonesieWilljGeorgeGenevieve0404CodyCoconutsGreeblehaushyperbarnowlGenny_jello
    • 466
    • RETWEETS
    fractaljackalSchemerScreamerAndrea__B__Tinaleigh777imallwritecomJaysonBoldonQueefTornadoYaoKingofRock
    brittarnettYour_Boy_Dylan
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    It must be tough to get people to read your emails if you really are a Nigerian prince.

    • 699
    • FAVS
    natedog2049DadLiesWilljGeorgeLifestyleBitchGenevieve0404GreeblehaushyperbarnowlJMEDOLZ
    • 334
    • RETWEETS
    Genevieve0404abigailmdavis86hippynikiMkjkfitzgeraldjunejuly12jimhamrickfrnksrcmargoforehead
    JamesCoolieDanKCharnleyBlack__Elvismiss_ogyny________
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I can’t enjoy movie car chases. That fruit stand was some guy’s livelihood, man.

    • 595
    • FAVS
    natedog2049DadLiesGladdyBeartashabaker83iwearaonesieWilljGeorgeLifestyleBitchGenevieve0404
    • 294
    • RETWEETS
    iwearaonesieGenevieve0404JemalitoTheBlackSheep_jjgriffith88JennyMSibleyQueefTornadothagr8short1
    ilgrandechucksarcazm2
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Don't think of it as a cubicle. Think of it as a starter coffin.

    • 529
    • FAVS
    iwearaonesieGenevieve0404sharky54301dreamthievinQueefTornadostretchmarkmamahellojodiashleighweeden
    • 350
    • RETWEETS
    leosuccarrahestQueefTornadoKarynLesBoltonBigfish1960BlakeDuffinsuebee2009VolkaVot
    Greeblehausseanx3iMikosnycBlack__Elvislynyrdsbackyard
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Friend: What time is it?
    Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
    Friend: Well?
    Me: Well what?

    • 475
    • FAVS
    natedog2049WilljGeorgeHecklersDelightc123harrrisest1975blogInkedLestrangeallknutGenevieve0404
    • 302
    • RETWEETS
    Paulhcarrest1975blogInkedLestrangeallknutGenevieve0404Natali_AyNURGLEAVEST5PsychedelicHer
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

    • 483
    • FAVS
    Thaat_guyJonHerreraZmervynwarrenCategory9Razorberry67AndyAsAdjectiveflockseaWilljGeorge
    • 221
    • RETWEETS
    mervynwarrenCSmithAustindaviddasAndyAsAdjectiveWilljGeorgeAaronsOtherOneGipsyDanger7JoabPudindinker
    so_amused
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I said to a friend, “How are you?” & he said “Good, how are you?” & I said “Good, how are you?’ because I don’t know how conversation works.

    • 443
    • FAVS
    natedog2049Genevieve0404CodyCoconutshyperbarnowlCVTBabyNicoleroxxuJaysonBoldonkcirtap11
    • 220
    • RETWEETS
    hyperbarnowlMamtttaJaysonBoldonYaoKingofRockFoxadelicthotsnlyricssuz1973luqJbeats12
    cessperience
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I'm never entirely sure we really made plans.

    • 391
    • FAVS
    natedog2049thesnacktablesergeantself36Genevieve0404badboyversionhyperbarnowlGenny_jellofractaljackal
    • 237
    • RETWEETS
    Genevieve0404badboyversionfractaljackalSchemerScreamerJaysonBoldon__bonniee__trinityinwonderthagr8short1
    _CherriAnn_FatherWithTwinsMikeMcMikaelsonTangoEchoAlphaP__
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    2nd rule of Fight Club: If you bring a dish to share, put your name on it so you’ll be sure to get it back. Thanks and enjoy the fighting!

    • 388
    • FAVS
    natedog2049WilljGeorgejosephlhatfieldJacobSandersArtBRudlaffmissmoeysholypurgatorythefosterer
    • 131
    • RETWEETS
    JacobSandersArtBRudlaffstaceouterspaceTheAlexNevilblaaakemarieYaoKingofRockFoxadelicthotsnlyrics
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Email subject line: "Your invited." Thanks, I'll bring an apostrophe and an e.

    • 297
    • FAVS
    natedog2049Genny_jelloMrsDottieParkerfractaljackalmissmoeysfriggoffffTheAlexNevilCVTBaby
    • 194
    • RETWEETS
    fractaljackalTheAlexNevilJaysonBoldonmichaellaburgertgrath4YaoKingofRockFoxadelicAnonysub
    TroyWidner________
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

    • 344
    • FAVS
    natedog2049Genevieve0404fractaljackalSchemerScreamerallthingspoeticdadichiotaiMikosnycsuz1973luq
    • 146
    • RETWEETS
    SchemerScreamerdadichiotaAddledPixienattylumpo88friggoffffdevineceltTheAlexNevilrepolk
    DallyDoll
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

    • 275
    • FAVS
    natedog2049MythicPicnicfractaljackalAdyacesEmilyKnitsMistress_Ploppyshewillbloveddc123harrris
    • 213
    • RETWEETS
    BadMikeyBadOddWeirdoPeterClayton6This_Josh_guyTingySfrigate8carriannefTheAlexNevil
    AndyAsAdjective
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.

    • 318
    • FAVS
    natedog2049Genevieve0404badboyversionfractaljackalAdyacesquecmokcirtap11thagr8short1
    • 121
    • RETWEETS
    kcirtap11thagr8short1YaoKingofRockFoxadelicthotsnlyricscatcervenyiAchillesHeelXoolun
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    "Lunchables" is a good name because it doesn't make any grandiose claims: "This is able to be eaten as lunch."

    • 356
    • FAVS
    natedog2049Genevieve0404JaysonBoldonkcirtap11thagr8short1Foxadelicdaniel_shawMollySneed
    • 84
    • RETWEETS
    SeamusTheBoldUpscaleHobosheepandrobotssmash_landingknot_eyetsenzenisuz1973luqQIsHere
    jeanieville
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

    • 274
    • FAVS
    natedog2049WilljGeorgeGenevieve0404fractaljackalAdyaceskimmabayaCVTBabylissaloowhoo
    • 158
    • RETWEETS
    CVTBabylissaloowhooeborg01amishschoolscott_towelthagr8short1stxrstudded_mcsamwise
    jakob_huber
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won't need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

    • 259
    • FAVS
    natedog2049katiekatvineGenevieve0404badboyversionfractaljackalTinaleigh777JaysonBoldonkcirtap11
    • 164
    • RETWEETS
    Genevieve0404JaysonBoldonthagr8short1BrandonGuzman96benittto13Favstar250catcervenyBookishBunny
    bullfrog_1979
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn't on my coupon.

    • 272
    • FAVS
    natedog2049Genevieve0404dirkwiggler99fractaljackalratnerpcrazycircles_meowlory_mcbyrdie_num_num
    • 124
    • RETWEETS
    AbelMesganawfractaljackalcrazycircles_byrdie_num_numHandurdealtMamtttaglitzritzJaysonBoldon
    KevinBuffalo
@JohnLyonTweets

@JohnLyonTweets

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