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  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Gift @JohnLyonTweets Favstar Pro to unlock their best tweet!Gift them Pro!

    • 4,650
    • LIKES
    BryantMMSafelyInDangerNorbertLiebigninastoessingerJvzGuarVelocityRaptoryezrakyrillaevansl
    • 4,122
    • RETWEETS
    VelocityRaptoryekSquaredWhoisJosettepoor_choicesLanceLDunnrebelliousDBVinoTicaBeardedNomad51
    damakattacksquirrel74wkgnTups13thejodiestdaemonic3
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

    • 2,630
    • LIKES
    thetitsPeterda66574520pryia17tety_britosemersondeklotzHollyMemphisskeptic67F_ScottTaft
    • 2,567
    • RETWEETS
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    El_nacho_NigredamakattackwickedimproperOfficeofSteveDeadLionessLazerPunchblitheringidiom__MzSweetcheeks_jeanievilleTheDailySchmuck
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

    • 2,727
    • LIKES
    interntcastawayH_JaspwatsenaamzoomymorgAJC_UpstatesuegandelTheJasonParsondentonlt
    • 1,848
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    AJC_UpstateMaggieTanniesTaraaLonggnadacomoencasaQueenSnokravs13lookitslehahaspsot
    damakattackabrosenthalDrDweezil__MascaraBanditjazmastaPaperWashSwishergirl24ShaunRightNowTrigg3rHippiemaebemarblesTuxedoTigers
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Don't think of it as a cubicle. Think of it as a starter coffin.

    • 1,502
    • LIKES
    HollyMemphissweetandsimple6Sarah_Bird7sarah6804CF_Robinson22stephieann_loveMatteroffact80BeardedNomad51
    • 976
    • RETWEETS
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    damakattackSarcasmo718__TheTweetParrotGreeblehausCleverDudiMikosnycBlack__Elvislynyrdsbackyard
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

    • 1,456
    • LIKES
    MsGreenGoddessCharsleySarahlisakitterHomeProbablyLousyBastardhero_squirrelEl_nacho_Nigremsbhaven81
    • 898
    • RETWEETS
    MsGreenGoddessHomeProbablyhero_squirrelmsbhaven81urmumsausernameSmuttWhispererCage_unlockedtheiasdad
    MrsJekyllsHydeElaineBBfanHeatherLuvsYou
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

    • 1,245
    • LIKES
    HollyMemphisstasiakeitastacywawa1CharsleySarahayakoremlisakitterHomeProbablynikhimself
    • 833
    • RETWEETS
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    DrDweezil__xSpaceShotxAndyAsAdjective
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Me: Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know.

    Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

    Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

    • 1,133
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  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

    • 1,142
    • LIKES
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    • 707
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  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

    *Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

    Well that sucked.

    • 1,053
    • LIKES
    Cr4yCr4yF1shDBStonerHomeProbablyficluv82stacywawa1hero_squirrelEl_nacho_Nigremsbhaven81
    • 616
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    KatieBurnettKLIM0VSKIjrza84rickolanternstevetwarnerOtherDanOBriennicfit75
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    It must be tough to get people to read your emails if you really are a Nigerian prince.

    • 987
    • LIKES
    joaograndeareaBryainiacjmjwestJazCajina1evilidiotcartwrightpgHollyMemphisDirtyGenes
    • 493
    • RETWEETS
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    BradBroaddusJamesCoolieDanKCharnleyBlack__Elvismiss_ogyny________
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.

    • 898
    • LIKES
    MsGreenGoddessJeneralizergoodtryfb666HomeProbablystasiakeitaficluv82HoldawayIanstacywawa1
    • 507
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    Mardigroan
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.

    • 810
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    jmanduchiProfessorTeresajsmedmassageMr_KapowskiRobertMetfan292KathrynRamblesSaveItForFestLoveNLunchmeat
    • 516
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  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    If a woman looks sad, tell her "You'd be pretty if you smiled more" and you won't see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

    • 680
    • LIKES
    AmyyyyKblissmydarlingRobertMetfan292JenLem143TheMarieGibbonskikimonstahh27arthursucksvictorysquat
    • 519
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    HollyMemphis
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I can’t enjoy movie car chases. That fruit stand was some guy’s livelihood, man.

    • 792
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    • 407
    • RETWEETS
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    iwearaonesieDrDweezil__ilgrandechucksarcazm2
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

    • 761
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    • 381
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    so_amused
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Friend: What time is it?
    Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
    Friend: Well?
    Me: Well what?

    • 643
    • LIKES
    donholley0stacywawa1hero_squirrelEl_nacho_Nigretrumpthechumphippocroteezchimneyspotterben_doughnut
    • 401
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    DrDweezil__krishna_van
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Thanks for telling me this is your "pet cat" because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

    • 632
    • LIKES
    MsGreenGoddessGreyAreaTweetsfuzzy_fotchBattyNatty_BPerry_Oasisstacywawa1lind3rzLMLMadness
    • 373
    • RETWEETS
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    QwertyJones3WheelTod
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I'm never entirely sure we really made plans.

    • 604
    • LIKES
    DamonHunzekerUnlucky__CharmskwirkyKerrihammbone84RdrJay47UR_MineForeverInyourtrunkRhiii_Edz
    • 357
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    _CherriAnn_FatherWithTwinsMikeMcMikaelsonTangoEchoAlphaP__
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Don't regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

    Disregard this if you are in prison.

    • 485
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    mollyramptonHoldawayIandonholley0stacywawa1kat_mom_entstwylaredsunanglesnachezAllInFunTx
    • 440
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  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I said to a friend, “How are you?” & he said “Good, how are you?” & I said “Good, how are you?’ because I don’t know how conversation works.

    • 576
    • LIKES
    NotKlingonRedContwixtHoldawayIanstacywawa1LousyBastardhero_squirrelnunohelenoMelon_ades
    • 285
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    cessperience
@JohnLyonTweets

@JohnLyonTweets

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