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  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

    • 1,994
    • FAVS
    JM4NN13onelongbenderhottentotsgotgreg_veeMultitudes8PowKaPowBoombright_eyes_23krishna_van
    • 1,309
    • RETWEETS
    JM4NN13garuda98PowKaPowBoomkrishna_vanHunnerGoMeowun1xphyscoRestenfieldCBodhar
    DrDweezilMascaraBanditjazmastaPaperWashSwishergirl24ShaunRightNowTrigg3rHippiemaebemarblescyclingfiend74
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

    • 1,200
    • FAVS
    xHxOxPx3PORNOPINIONJM4NN13onelongbenderCyClonePerryMmmmMinnyRoberta_Glassderprevere
    • 1,145
    • RETWEETS
    TheRealMicsterWordsbunchedupJM4NN13CyClonePerryBadass_BrunelliquasiseriousMmmmMinnyexotiknuella
    DeadLionessLazerPunchblitheringidiom__MzSweetcheeks_jeanievilleTheDailySchmuck
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

    • 1,189
    • FAVS
    JM4NN13jessilylesonelongbenderwordsartmagicgreg_veePowKaPowBoombright_eyes_23krishna_van
    • 717
    • RETWEETS
    JM4NN13greg_veePowKaPowBoomkrishna_vanJIMBOSWELTHunnerGoMeowun1xphyscoambernicolai_
    MrsJekyllsHydeElaineBBfanHeatherLuvsYou
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

    • 879
    • FAVS
    JM4NN13jessilylesonelongbendergreg_veePowKaPowBoombright_eyes_23krishna_vanJIMBOSWELT
    • 512
    • RETWEETS
    JM4NN13PowKaPowBoomkrishna_vanHunnerGoMeowun1xphyscoRestenfieldhistwaddleGregMercer1
    brittarnettYour_Boy_Dylan
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    It must be tough to get people to read your emails if you really are a Nigerian prince.

    • 806
    • FAVS
    JM4NN13jessilylesonelongbendergreg_veePowKaPowBoombright_eyes_23tsnerdcraftsThatBrenna
    • 387
    • RETWEETS
    greg_veePowKaPowBoomThatBrennakrishna_vanJIMBOSWELTSmileSamoreun1xphyscoLevDog23
    JamesCoolieDanKCharnleyBlack__Elvismiss_ogyny________
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Don't think of it as a cubicle. Think of it as a starter coffin.

    • 690
    • FAVS
    CurryBurritogrtJM4NN13cjchilversimcatnooneiTibzgannonburgettJamesRFriday
    • 450
    • RETWEETS
    _runningshort2AlanRowothpwcJM4NN13gannonburgettThatsMyBushtypeoneerrorrodley
    Greeblehausseanx3iMikosnycBlack__Elvislynyrdsbackyard
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

    *Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

    Well that sucked.

    • 625
    • FAVS
    JM4NN13jessilylesonelongbender1000mindsofmeMultitudes8SergeantSchultzbradjmyersPsychicStoner
    • 369
    • RETWEETS
    venomjunkie21000mindsofmeMultitudes8PsychicStonerJIMBOSWELTbright_eyes_23Literotica_comSmileSamore
    jrza84rickolanternstevetwarnerOtherDanOBriennicfit75
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I can’t enjoy movie car chases. That fruit stand was some guy’s livelihood, man.

    • 652
    • FAVS
    JM4NN13onelongbenderbright_eyes_23tsnerdcraftsshamroxmysoxBintyMustardJay1972JayFriskyandFeisty
    • 321
    • RETWEETS
    shamroxmysoxJay1972JayFriskyandFeistyGodivaInBluechimp_chumpThatBrennakrishna_vanbeejonesbaby
    ilgrandechucksarcazm2
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Friend: What time is it?
    Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
    Friend: Well?
    Me: Well what?

    • 516
    • FAVS
    JM4NN13onelongbenderbright_eyes_23krishna_vanfletchworld73ScrambledMceggsRestenfieldhistwaddle
    • 326
    • RETWEETS
    JM4NN13bright_eyes_23krishna_vanRestenfieldhunz74DeadLionessScott_A_GilmoreSandraRNWriter
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

    • 536
    • FAVS
    JM4NN13onelongbenderkrishna_vanJIMBOSWELTun1xphyscofletchworld73teamtaylaaaKEENANMULVANEY
    • 242
    • RETWEETS
    JM4NN13JJ_Longhornkrishna_vanBob_JankeSocialChalleng1AmyLee_Wjifdendekkeerrdayhustlah
    so_amused
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I said to a friend, “How are you?” & he said “Good, how are you?” & I said “Good, how are you?’ because I don’t know how conversation works.

    • 475
    • FAVS
    JM4NN13onelongbenderHatimdahodbright_eyes_23krishna_vanJIMBOSWELTun1xphyscofletchworld73
    • 232
    • RETWEETS
    JM4NN13bright_eyes_23krishna_vanJIMBOSWELTits_trishOkNowRunpeter_mccorkellErrenMichaels
    cessperience
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

    • 388
    • FAVS
    TerraWeaverJM4NN13ThatsMyBushcarlykennizhonisaenzNJGirlInVAKeithDeucesFirecat2785
    • 284
    • RETWEETS
    JM4NN13fah_q_buddiedshack8barrybhoy99onelongbenderMultitudes8jifdendekkeRestenfield
    DrDweezilxSpaceShotxAndyAsAdjective
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I'm never entirely sure we really made plans.

    • 417
    • FAVS
    onelongbenderkrishna_vanJIMBOSWELThistwaddlelovemypsychosisberger2323Scott_A_GilmoreDrDweezil
    • 246
    • RETWEETS
    bright_eyes_23JIMBOSWELTOkNowRunDELPHINUS44eliserose5kcMcCowgirlTwisted_MettleRising_Ape
    _CherriAnn_FatherWithTwinsMikeMcMikaelsonTangoEchoAlphaP__
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    2nd rule of Fight Club: If you bring a dish to share, put your name on it so you’ll be sure to get it back. Thanks and enjoy the fighting!

    • 414
    • FAVS
    onelongbenderbright_eyes_23krishna_vanJIMBOSWELTun1xphyscoSocialChalleng1Ami_Lucasjifdendekke
    • 137
    • RETWEETS
    jifdendekkeYourmomisdirtylovemypsychosisxSpaceShotxbreely216beerito_JacobSandersArtBRudlaff
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

    • 382
    • FAVS
    onelongbenderkrishna_vanJIMBOSWELTSocialChalleng1Meat_spoonhistwaddleits_trishRandomAntics
    • 162
    • RETWEETS
    bright_eyes_23krishna_vanits_trishYumi_AmaranteLiisaTSNeuronicismSinnerEllaDeVil2happyright
    DallyDoll
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    If a woman looks sad, tell her "You'd be pretty if you smiled more" and you won't see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

    • 290
    • FAVS
    HeyZeus666ToniBethsakshi91singhThBigBingTheorykjarolemonsTampaBayMommamonicasjungleJJ94JJ
    • 249
    • RETWEETS
    Bashi_DeeVictoriaStarmansteve_condraRiyaJayJohnsakshi91singhmejustbethTampaBayMommaAphroditeAfter5
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Email subject line: "Your invited." Thanks, I'll bring an apostrophe and an e.

    • 318
    • FAVS
    onelongbenderbright_eyes_23krishna_vanun1xphyscoRestenfieldMeat_spoonhistwaddletonyarhoades
    • 198
    • RETWEETS
    UGANDANCRAZYits_trishGamersRespawnChevo_MqzfractaljackalTheAlexNevilJaysonBoldonmichaellaburger
    TroyWidner________
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.

    • 365
    • FAVS
    onelongbenderbright_eyes_23krishna_vanJIMBOSWELTSocialChalleng1RestenfieldMeat_spoonhistwaddle
    • 145
    • RETWEETS
    bright_eyes_23steve_condraRandomAnticsgreggorrio_miawkoueScrambledMceggsZombie_Kitgillydunkley
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won't need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

    • 297
    • FAVS
    bright_eyes_23krishna_vanJIMBOSWELTun1xphyscoBob_JankeSocialChalleng1histwaddlearis_rigas
    • 179
    • RETWEETS
    SocialChalleng1histwaddleUGANDANCRAZYSofKonaris_rigasits_trishStnkyWeaslTeets9appletrees__
    bullfrog_1979
  • JohnLyonTweets
      John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

    Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

    • 300
    • FAVS
    Hatimdahodbright_eyes_23krishna_vanSocialChalleng1histwaddleberger2323DeadLionessScott_A_Gilmore
    • 169
    • RETWEETS
    bright_eyes_23histwaddleJenigmaticBob_A_GanushSuchaDumbWorldchristinawilderTwisted_MettleTheBMD1
    jakob_huber
@JohnLyonTweets

@JohnLyonTweets

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